This is a question I often asked myself coming up in my own career. As a young Black woman and immigrant starting my career in corporate America, leadership was hardly ever mentioned around me. After all, I felt lucky enough and happy to have “snatched” a job after college…Just having a seat at the table, any table of any significance, felt enough of a privilege…
Fast-forward many career ups and downs, a full career transition into academia, and my under-developed views on leadership have quite significantly morphed. What I realized along my journey is that given the opportunity and space to do so, women can not only bring their own, intrinsic leadership to the table of their careers, but they can also develop it in ways that are truly authentic to them and hence more effective and powerful overall.
Yet, it has taken me a long time to even begin to think of myself as a leader. Leadership was not exactly one of the topics discussed around the dinner table in my single-parent home growing up in Senegal, a majority Muslim country where the majority of leaders were (and still are) men. However, I had the privilege of seeing my mother as the leader of our matriarchal household. Without realizing it then, I was already being primed to seeing women as leaders. Yet, I was not prepared to act on this image of leadership…
It’s not until now, decades later, that I started asking myself the question” “What does it mean to lead as a woman in a patriarchal society struggling to move beyond gender bias and barriers?”
Does it mean breaking the glass ceiling, or the concrete ceiling or wall for Black women, or the bamboo ceiling for Asian women? Does it mean ascending to the highest levels of one’s career? Does it even mean being recognized for your work? Is that leadership for women? Or is it merely the reflection of leadership we’ve received from the remnants of a patriarchal society we’re still holding on a feeble, yet sustained pedestal?
What is leadership, authentic leadership for women? What does it mean to lead in your own life, in an authentic, compelling manner? When I think of all the outer signs of career success and leadership, and the paradox it creates in so many women’s lives, pitting them against their own personal choices and sense of balance, I tend to ask: “But…is that leadership?” Or is it just about reaching an ideal that has not been set by women or for women?
Leadership as we know it, is not made for women. This is why so many leadership programs targeted at women, fail miserably. This is why as much as some companies are investing in women empowerment programs, they are not seeing expected returns. It is because the very foundation of leadership as we know it, is not adapted to working women and moms. This is what has been defined as the “second generation bias” largely explaining women’s under-representation in leadership roles, due to cultural assumptions and organizational structures reinforcing the lack of women role models, gendered work favoring and rewarding men, lack of network and sponsor access for women, and the mismatch between traditionally feminine qualities and leadership qualities.
In order to be a leader, you have to see yourself as a leader. In the absence of women leaders, and the absence or scarcity of leadership values that align with the reality of women’s lives and values, how can leadership as we know it be effective for and to women? How can women really lead, effectively and powerfully, in systems whose foundations were never made for them? Here are three ways that may help:
Revisit your beliefs about leadership
What are your personal beliefs about leadership? How have they been shaped in the course of your life? Do you even see yourself as a leader?
These are a few questions that started my own leadership journey, and may also help begin or continue yours. Oftentime as women in general, we may not see ourselves as leaders because we have not been exposed to leaders who look, think or act like us. Leadership is after all, very much a gendered and patriarchal concept, which has been modeled after men for the longest time. Only in recent years, have we begun seeing women leaders in various areas, from politics to business.
Similarly, the models of leadership we’ve grown up with have most often reflected the patriarchal society we live in. Despite the increasing presence of women leaders, and all the benefits associated with women in leadership position, this foundational model has not evolved much. This has in turn literally forced women to conform to a way of leadership often not in alignment with them, holding on to the belief that there is no other way to lead.
This is where revisiting your beliefs about leadership may help in changing how you view leadership, and start reframing leadership in a way that serves your values, purpose and principles.
Revisit the foundations of leadership in the organizations you’re a part of
In the same way, organizations, companies and businesses’ foundations of leadership have been modeled after patriarchal models. In most modern organizations, women are not seen as leaders, even when they hold a leadership position or title because men have been the leadership norm and default for so long. This is why so many leadership programs targeted at increasing the number of women leaders in organizations fail miserably. Leadership is deeper than just reaching a certain title or position, it’s about embodying the role of leader which requires seeing oneself and being seen as one.
This is where organizations must strive to identify , acknowledge and address what they define as leadership. In the process, they must seek to educate, empower, and steer their people toward a more diverse and inclusive concept of leadership.
Redefine your own brand of leadership as a working woman and mom
Because leadership has been modeled after men, and too many women have in one way or another adopted styles of leadership not aligned with their values or purpose, leadership has revolved around how it looks for too long. What if instead, each and every one of us started asking ourselves the question: “What is my own way of leading?”
Being an authentic leader means acting in alignment with one’s values and purpose. As a working woman and mother, it means leading myself, leading in my home as a mom and wife, and leading in the workplace in my capacity. To me, it means leading with compassion, with integrity, and openness.
What does it mean to you?
So all in all, can I really, truly and authentically lead as a woman?
As I write these words, the answer is: It depends. It depends on how I reframe and redefine leadership as a working woman and mom; but it also depends on the spaces in which I can fully lead, in integrity and authenticity. There is much work to be done on both sides, yet the prospect of a future where women can lead as themselves is worth it…
How many times have you heard women “need to be more confident at work”? How many times have you yourself, in your own career and life experience, been told that you needed to be more confident? And if you happen to be confident, how many times have you perceived or been told you were “tew much”? Talk about a confidence bias for women…
Women at work are encouraged to be more assertive, more goal-oriented, more driven at work, mostly according and in reference to patriarchal parameters initially set by and for their male counterparts. Yet, while they’re criticized for not having enough confidence, especially in workplace settings, they tend to get harshly judged when found to be displaying “too much” confidence. This in itself is the confidence bias that has plagued so many women in and outside of their careers…
Confidence bias is when career failure in women is associated with lack of self-confidence; yet when women demonstrate confidence, they are often perceived as overdoing it, and thus lacking confidence. This is how the very concept of confidence that women are criticized of lacking, is actually weaponized against them.
According to research by the Harvard Business Review, while women identify confidence as a major career obstacle, men do not. This not only confirms the highly gendered nature of confidence, but also exposes how damaging this concept can be to women themselves, who end up blaming themselves for or regretting events which where largely out of their control. Prior research also demonstrates a confidence gap, whereby women are shown to have lesser levels of self-assuredness than their male counterparts, thus lacking a trait that matters as much as competence at work. This gap can actually be traced to gender trait and role differences between men and women. While men are shown to naturally demonstrate traits commonly associated with confidence such as assertiveness, even aggressiveness; women tend to display more nurturing, compassionate and empathic characteristics, which are also reflected in the traditional societal roles assigned to both genders.
Despite this, the 2023 Women in the Workplace report reveals that women are actually more ambitious than ever, even as they continue to prioritize their personal lives. This is evidence that while the confidence bias is certainly real for many, if not most women, especially at work, it may not be as simple as it has been depicted to be. Why does confidence have to be defined in patriarchal and masculine terms and traits? Why can’t confidence also be defined in more feminine attributes such as collaboration, empathy, and intuition? While the latter are clearly leadership skills, and confidence is increasingly being classified as a “soft skill” (there is nothing “soft” about soft skills, by the way), they’re still not being associated with confidence for women.
This is why in my own experience as a Black woman at work, and an introvert to boot, I’ve had to learn to redefine the concept of confidence for myself. Emulating the masculine, and very much patriarchal model of confidence, based on overt assertiveness bordering on aggressiveness, has always felt inauthentic. Instead, developing my own brand of quiet confidence has always felt more like “me”. Granted, it did not work in the many environments where that brand of confidence was not valued (which unfortunately still constitute many, if not most work environments)…Yet, in the environments in which it has worked and been valued, the rewards, both personal and collective, have been astounding…
In some way, I have been waging my own quiet confidence war and revolution as a working woman and mom. So have many other working women and moms around… If this is something that resonates with you as well, here are a few tidbits from my own journey that you may find helpful:
Revisit your own confidence bias
Believe it or not, you hold your own confidence bias. We all do, and much of it has been embedded in our subconscious from the various messages, intentional or not, we’ve received from society. I know I’ve blamed myself for not being confident enough for the longest time, resolving myself to remain hidden in the background. For the longest time, I thought I was born that way, that confidence was a skill or attribute that I somehow had missed out on. This subconscious message was so deeply embedded in my mind that it became a personal belief I held on to for dear life.
Yet, what I learned from a complete career transition and a journey of personal and professional growth, is that not only is confidence a skill we possess as individuals; but that we can also develop our own brand of powerful and authentic confidence, especially in the workplace.
What are your assumptions and beliefs about confidence in general and about your own confidence?
Develop your own brand of confidence
What is your own brand of confidence? How do you most authentically feel self-assured in who you truly are? It took me decades to first recognize these questions as valid, and second find my own answers. I feel most confident when I am working in my purpose, writing, teaching, sharing and exchanging ideas. That’s what I would call my “zone of confidence.”
As a matter of fact, I’ve found confidence to be closely linked with authenticity of purpose and values. The more closely you are aligned with your purpose and values, the more confident you may tend to feel. Conversely, the further away you may be from your purposeful path, the harder it may be to muster an authentic sense of self-confidence. Not just the outer confidence we may feel compelled to put on display to respond to self-imposed or societally-imposed pressure; but rather the true sense of confidence that begins on the inside..
What is your zone of confidence? How and when do you feel your most confident? Are you able to find it in your current work? If not, it may be time to reconsider…
Embody what your own brand of authentic confidence is
Last but not least, embodying your own brand of confidence really means stepping into, and standing in your zone of confidence. This is the part that may require not just a mental shift, but also the power of repetition and practice to master.
For me, it’s a matter of cultivating the discipline to show up daily (or almost daily) in my zone of confidence, whether through writing, teaching, sharing or exchanging ideas. It’s the power of practicing imperfect action, day after day, and collecting the sometimes infinitesimally small rewards that add up to the work of our lifetimes.
Indeed, for the longest time, and to this day, society has largely defined confidence as a masculine and patriarchal concept, thereby creating a confidence bias that has been weaponized against women. Yet, what if this definition of confidence were nothing but a social construct that can be dismantled as well as it’s been built? What if confidence could be redefined, and reclaimed, for women in ways that truly align with their purpose and values? What a different and more evolved workplace and world we would see then….
What is your own working woman brand of confidence?
It’s the beginning of a new year, and you may be wondering which direction to take your career in in the next few months. As a matter of fact, this may very well be the question you ask yourself at the beginning of every year. As much as you may be excited (or not) at the prospect of a clean slate of time ahead of you, you may not be sure of the best way to strategize your career going forward. As a working woman and mom, you may not even have the time to devote to thinking about it as you juggle all the plates you have balancing in the air. Career strategy? How about a strategy to get through last week’s laundry?
The reality is, not having a career strategy in the long run, may leave you without a sense of purpose in your career, along with the feeling that you’re somehow stagnating professionally. In the worst case scenario, it may end up hurting your overall career prospects. This is even more significant as a working woman who may already be at a professional disadvantage as compared to your male counterparts as a result of the various gender-based biases experienced by women in the workplace, from the gender pay gap to the glass ceiling or concrete wall for women of color, to cite a few.
If you’re reading this and nodding along, you certainly are not alone. It took me decades to understand the importance of strategy as a crucial component of our careers, especially as working women and moms. I remember once when I was still in the corporate trenches, one of my mentors telling me: “It’s as if they put all the men in one room, and told them the rules of a game we were never told about.” By “we”, she meant professional women in general. Years later, I realized the rules of the game she was referring to, were really ways to strategize one’s career. Yet, I could not help wonder at the time: “How about the value of hard work? How about endlessly proving yourself by going above and beyond? Wasn’t that supposed to be the only career strategy?” Right? Wrong…
For many women like myself, hard work, endless dedication and unending service are often confused with an actual career strategy. Actually, it’s a mindset that has been tacitly imposed on women for the longest time, falsely rewarding us with the praise of self-sacrifice and devotion in and out of the workplace. So much so that working hard at work and working hard at home became the norm, until it wasn’t, that is…
With the advent of the work revolution during and after the COVID 19 pandemic, many women have been redefining the meaning of work in their lives and careers. From the “Great Breakup” to the “she-cession”, women have begun and continued abdicating the heavy crown of thorns that is underpaid, inequitable work and unpaid household labor, in favor of increased equity on the work and home fronts. Many women are choosing to start their own businesses as an alternative to underpaid careers riddled with gender bias and inequities. Others are opting for flexible schedules allowing them to strive in all their roles and capacities. Others yet again are stepping completely out of the career path, choosing to refocus on themselves and their families.
What this also means as women’s work is being reinvented, is that women’s career strategies also have to be reinvented accordingly. It’s no longer about emulating a masculine model of work, founded on a patriarchal system relying on women’s free labor and on the paradigm of trading time for elusive and unsustainable success. Nor is it about abandoning purposeful ambition in favor of choosing the safe harbor of inaction and passivity. Instead, it’s about aligning our career strategies with the priorities and values guiding us as women in and outside of the workplace.
Here are three steps that may help:
Outlining your priorities
Have you been operating on everyone else’s priorities and timetable but your own? I know I did too…Too often, it’s all about what’s urgent at work, what needs to get done on the home front, and everything else in between. As a result, it’s easy to have an entire career and life based off of priorities that are not yours.
What are your work priorities? What areas of your career are most important to you? What are your personal and collective priorities? How can these be aligned in a way so as to feed off of and serve each other?
As I started outlining my own career and personal priorities, I realized flexibility in my various roles as mother, partner, and professional, as well as being able to practice my writing and teaching craft, are at the top of my list. This has led me to orient myself toward a career that offers me a flexible environment, and encourages me to practice my craft.
Eliminate or delegate unpaid or invisible labor
One of the biggest obstacles to women’s careers is the “extra” fluff that gets in the way of the true, purposeful work. From excessive and unwarranted amounts of invisible and unpaid service work, to the unseen mental and household load, there are too many silent and frustrating obstacles in the path of women’s work.
Part of devising a successful career strategy as a working woman is addressing these obstacles. Reducing or streamlining the amount of service work is one way to do so, whether through less volunteering or bringing increased attention to the need to share the service load in the workplace. Having honest conversations followed by intentional action at home to help share the household labor and mental load can also go a long way. Underneath it all, ridding yourself of the guilt of not doing it all is also essential.
Applying the rule of 80/20
The rule of 80/20, also known as the Pareto rule, essentially dictates that 80% of our efforts produce 20% of our results. While this rule is most often used in business, it can be extended to any area of work or life. From a career perspective, it is a call to focus on the 20% of inputs that will produce the most, and best, results.
What are your most valuable skills that produce your best results at work? Are you most gifted at writing, public speaking, networking, research, analysis, or any other area? Can you capitalize on those skills to guide and direct you towards the areas and projects that you would be most successful at and prioritize those? Conversely, can you steer away from those areas and projects that do not use your best inputs and as a result do not produce your best outcomes?
Applying the rule of 80/20 in my career and life has been, and still is, much of a work in progress. While it’s been challenging to focus more on my most impactful skills and best outcomes, as opposed to desperately trying to do it all, it’s certainly paying off. One of the greatest side effects is the lessened amount of stress going into managing work and life. The greatest benefit yet is in being aligned with my purpose, and using what I have to do the work I’m supposed to do.
All in all, the right career strategy can be one of the most important tools for working women and moms to thrive in and outside of work. Devising a powerful strategy is about being aligned with one’s vision and values, setting the appropriate priorities, focusing on the best returns and reducing invisible and unaligned work. While it’s certainly not an easy feat, and very much a work in progress, it’s also one of the most profitable career and life investments.
How are you strategizing your career at the beginning of the year?
Picture this…It’s Monday morning, 7am, you’ve already dropped off the kids at the bus stop and sent them off to school, fitting in a quick 10 minute walk with the dog in the process, and thrown a load of laundry in the washer…By 8am, you’ve made your plan for the day, what with colorful highlighting and side notes on your favorite planner, and you’re ready for the first meeting of the day, polished Ann Taylor shirt on top, casual and oh so comfortable elastic pants on the bottom…The thought of not being stuck in morning traffic at least a couple of days a week and dealing with unavoidable work micro-aggressions is making you smile, as you mentally strategize for the week…
If you’re reading this, this may sound like the ideal work-from-home morning…Or if you’re fortunate enough, this may actually be what some, or most of your mornings feel like… The feeling of not having to choose between a well-integrated life that does not require an inordinate amount of running around, overwhelm and burnout….The sense of not having to give up on yourself, your values, your family for the sake of your work, or vice-versa…
For as long as I can remember, this drastic choice between a successful career and a well-integrated life that honors my values and myself as a woman, mother, wife, friend, sister, along with all the other hats we wear as women, has been there…It’s a difficult choice that ends up in a negative loss for all parties involved, mostly for women. Post COVID-19 pandemic, the newfound work flexibility and call to realignment to our values as individuals and women in particular has shaken the dust off of this old, cruel choice…Women are now understanding and claiming their right to own their ambition and lives without the threat of bias, guilt, or burnout…
Workforce trends from the “Great Resignation” , the Great Breakup” and “quiet quitting”, to the recent hype around “lazy girl jobs”, defined as flexible and well-paying jobs allowing for free time as an antidote to the burnout culture affecting many, especially women, have seen people, and women in particular, reevaluate their careers. Yet, despite this, women are far from being “lazy” in their careers. In fact, according to McKinsey&Company’s Women in the Workplace 2023 report, “women are more ambitious than ever, and workplace flexibility is fueling them”. The report reveals 81% of women expressing the desire to be promoted to a higher level, an 11% increase from 2019. A whopping 96% of women declared their careers hold an important place in their lives, in same numbers as their male counterparts. Even yet, 97% of women and men also admit to prioritizing their personal lives while still viewing their careers as important.
What this is suggesting is a new paradigm shift in the way women view their careers and lives. No longer is it a matter of making an excruciating choice between professional success and personal values and life, but rather a matter of re-shuffling the deck of cards to accommodate success in both areas. Thanks to the forced re-examination of our values and systems, as well as the flexibility card reinforced by the advent of the COVID-19 pandemic, among other factors, women are now redefining what success means to them. In fact, they are re-defining what success has always meant to them, but that they were not allowed to implement…
Yet, even in the midst of this re-defining movement, biases and stereotypes against women still persist. Among these, is the assumption that flexible work can be equated with “lazy work”, whereby employees taking advantage of this benefit are somewhat lacking motivation or are lesser performers. This bias also extends in the unequitable rewards and benefits men get from in-person attendance at the office, including interpersonal connections, access to select information, feedback, mentorship and general support. Meanwhile, women working in person at the office are rewarded with the debilitating impact of micro-aggressions as well as the “broken rung” syndrome whereby men benefit from higher level promotions at higher rates than women.
As a result, many, if not most women, are choosing to re-define where they stand in their careers and lives, somewhere between persisting ambition and lazy girl syndrome. Somewhere between aspiring to being all they can be professionally, and yet still prioritizing better work-life integration and keeping burnout, overwhelm and disease at bay…Somewhere where the choice is not between the better of two evils, but where evil is not a choice…
For this to be possible, it also means that companies, organizations, leaders and every single person out there, must get invested in the discussion and fight for:
Understanding and respecting women’s work and life values
Access to greater and fairer flexibility (that does not punish women)
Diversity, Equity and Inclusion programs and initiatives targeting micro-aggressions, as well as promotion and pay inequities
Are you somewhere between ambitious girl and lazy girl?
In this podcast, I discuss the impact of gender on the process of negotiation, and also on the outcomes! If you’ve struggled with negotiation as a working woman and mom, or just have been curious about it, this episode is for you! Some of the research cited in this episode include:
Thanks so much for tuning in and listening to this week’s episode! If you enjoyed this week’s episode, please share it by using the social media at the bottom of this post!
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I remember perusing article over article on negotiation tips while preparing for interviews as a young career woman. I had to do my research, come in with a certain number in mind, be assertive and not give in. Yet, somehow, more times than not, I ended up not even bringing up the topic of salary or compensation in general, blindly accepting whatever was given to me. The worst part was being disappointed at myself, gradually convincing myself (and others) that negotiating was not my strong suit.
Negotiation is a fundamental aspect of both personal and professional life that most of us cannot avoid. It also often carries underlying gender dynamics that not only influence the outcome, but also taint the entire process. This is also why recognizing these dynamics and understanding how to navigate them is essential for achieving successful negotiations.
Previous research shows undeniable gender differences in negotiation, as men have been proven to enter negotiations in larger numbers than their female counterparts. In addition, they’ve also been shown to get better deals when negotiating than women. It’s no surprise then that these disparities have given rise to significant gender gaps in wages and career advancement. However, more recent research concludes women do ask for raises and promotions in equal numbers than their male counterparts, but don’t get their requests satisfied. Even more recent research by Berkeley Haas professor Laura Kray, and co-authored by Vanderbilt University Associate Professor Jessica Kennedy along with Berkeley Haas post-doctoral scholar Margaret Lee in the Academy of Management Discoveries journal, confirms this fact. Contrary to popular belief fueling the gender-pay gap myth that women are at fault for not negotiating more, this last research actually demonstrates women negotiate their salaries more often than men, only to get turned down more.
While this body of research comforts us as to the fact that women should stop being blamed for not negotiating, it helps debunk an outdated, and hurtful, myth that has kept many women away from the negotiation table for way too long. It also reminds us to continue to strengthen our negotiating muscle as women, which heavily depends understanding the fundamental gender differences in negotiation. The better we understand, acknowledge and share these gender differences, the better we can fight related outdated beliefs and promote better negotiation outcomes.
Here are three of the main ways in which gender plays a role in negotiation, and how to effectively and purposely navigate these gender dynamics:
Stereotypes and Expectations
Gender stereotypes can, and do affect, the way negotiators are perceived. As women may be seen as nurturing and empathetic, while men tend to be perceived as more assertive and competitive, society tends to expect men and women to behave differently at the negotiation table. As a result of these expectations, women may feel pressured to be accommodating, while men might feel compelled to be more competitive.
Communication Styles
Research suggests men tend to adopt a more direct communication style in negotiations, while women may employ indirect or relational communication. Additionally, women are often perceived as better listeners, which can be an advantage in negotiation, allowing them to gather more information and build rapport.
Confidence and Self-Advocacy
Gender differences in confidence levels, also known as the confidence gap, can impact negotiation outcomes. A Cornell University study found men tend to overestimate their performance and abilities, while women tend to underestimate theirs.
In terms of self-advocacy, previous research has demonstrated when women advocate for themselves, they tend to experience negative backlash, which may keep them from doing so.
However, a recent 2021 study shows as younger women professionals enter the workforce, they may experience less backlash. However, persisting biases still make self-advocacy challenging for women. As such, men may be more inclined to self-promote and advocate for their needs, whereas women might downplay their achievements or put others’ interests first.
Here are some practical tips to counteract these three ways in which gender affects negotiation:
1. Be self-aware!
The first step in navigating gender dynamics around negotiation is self-awareness. Recognize how gender stereotypes may influence your own behavior and expectations. Reflect on your communication style, confidence levels, and self-advocacy tendencies in negotiation.
2. Preparation is Key
Irrespective of gender, preparation is crucial for successful negotiations. Research the negotiation topic thoroughly, gather data, and develop a clear strategy. Being well-prepared can boost confidence and mitigate the impact of gender-related biases.
3. Challenge Stereotypes
Challenge stereotypes by consciously defying them when they arise. If you’re a woman, don’t hesitate to assert yourself when necessary, and if you’re a man, embrace a collaborative approach when it suits the negotiation.
4. Embrace a Collaborative Approach
Negotiations need not be purely competitive. Embrace a collaborative approach that focuses on finding mutually beneficial solutions. This can be particularly effective in navigating gender dynamics, as it aligns with relational communication styles often associated with women.
5. Build Rapport
Building rapport is essential in negotiation, and it aligns with many communication strengths often attributed to women, such as active listening and empathy. Establishing a connection can create a more favorable negotiation environment.
6. Use Effective Communication
Regardless of gender, effective communication is key. Be clear, concise, and assertive when necessary. Employ active listening skills to understand the other party’s perspective fully.
7. Negotiate on Merit
Focus on the merits of your argument rather than gender-related expectations. Showcase your skills, achievements, and the value you bring to the negotiation. Let the substance of your proposal speak for itself.
8. Seek Mentorship and Support
Seek mentorship or support from individuals who have experience navigating gender dynamics in negotiations. Their guidance can provide valuable insights and strategies for success.
9. Negotiate in Numbers
Whenever possible, negotiate in groups or teams. Multiple voices can help mitigate gender bias and provide collective strength in negotiations.
10. Be Persistent
Overcoming gender dynamics in negotiation may require persistence. Don’t be discouraged by setbacks, and continue refining your negotiation skills over time.
In conclusion, as confirmed by research and experience, gender dynamics undoubtedly influence negotiations. However, they need not determine the outcome. By recognizing these dynamics and employing strategies to navigate them effectively, women can negotiate with confidence and success. Embracing your strengths, challenging stereotypes, and focusing on the substance of your proposals can help you reshape the negotiation landscape to ensure that gender is not a limiting factor but a source of diversity and strength in the negotiating room.
Get up, take care of the home, go to work, come back home, take care of the home and family, and do it all over again the next day… For many working women and moms, this is the song of dance we’ve been accustomed to for generations. Despite the advances towards gender equality and couple equity, many of which have been adversely affected, some even reversed with the COVID-19 pandemic, the song hasn’t improved much. If anything, its cadence has even increased, cumulating household, caregiving, and childcare responsibilities heaped on the minds, bodies and souls of women all across the US and the world at large. As a result, millions of women have exited the workforce, some due to lack of childcare support, others due to sheer burnout and exhaustion, most due to a virulent and urgent need to rethink and restructure the way of work as we know it…
The reality is, work as we traditionally know it, does not work for women and mothers. It never did…It wasn’t made to, after all. Work as we know it, even as it slowly seeks to morph into a more inclusive environment, was made for men with wives at home to support with the household, caregiving and childcare unpaid labor. Even as society’s advances made it easier for women to enter in and over time remain in the workforce, thanks to the advent of technological advances such as household appliances and childcare facilities, albeit insufficient, lessening the burden on women, significant challenges have and still remain.
While the COVID-19 pandemic was a wake-up call for many working women and moms, and society at large, shining the light on the tragic imbalances at the core of couple inequity and the general deepening gender inequality, it was also a signal of impending change. As the structure of work revealed the vulnerability of certain sectors mostly led and staffed by women, it also forcefully made way for more remote and hybrid arrangements. As a result, it’s become obvious that work can, and may well need to be, worked differently; that productivity is not necessarily tied to physical presence, flexibility is a working woman and mom’s ally, and lack of childcare is a crisis in and of itself. These factors, and many others combined, are leading a new discussion and thought leadership on how work should really be structured today to make room for more inclusive, diverse and equitable contributions and leadership.
For many, if not most, working women and moms, a familiar flame of struggle and progress has been re-ignited. It’s the same flame that prompted women to fight for employment outside of the home, to seek to enter careers only reserved to men, and to reject the notion of having to choose between family and career. Today, this familiar flame is seeking to burn bright over the inequalities and inequities still holding women back, and burn down the unfair vestiges of an antiquated childcare, caregiving and work structure.
As working women and moms, it’s also our prerogative to reflect on, discuss and implement the changes, at the micro and macro level, necessary for us to truly get back to work. Not the work we’ve known for decades, with its biases such as the maternal wall bias or performance review biases , ceilings and walls. Not the work that forces us to choose between family and career. Not the work that creates a societal chasm between genders, couples and families. Rather, it’s the work that strengthens us as it strengthens our families, communities and societies that we’re interested in getting back to. The work that recognizes women and moms as the legitimate other working half of society, with all the rights and privileges that entails. The work that is done on purpose, for a purpose, and with a purpose.
While many of these changes are to happen at a structural and foundational level, they also begin at the micro level through each and every one of us and how we choose to structure the work we do and the lives we live. It begins with:
Reflection:
Historically, the traditional structure of work has created a somewhat rigid organization and assignment of responsibilities, privileges and processes. By not making room for flexibility, change and inevitable progress, and upholding the status quo, this traditional structure of work has contributed for a long time to muting the professional aspirations and desires of many a woman. As such, it has also discouraged the natural process of self-reflection that accompanies all human evolution, regardless of gender.
It’s this natural process of self-reflection that prompts us to continuously take the pulse of our own evolution, to ask ourselves what gifts and talents we ought to use for ours and others’ benefits, what capacity we can expand to. Through self-reflection, we can challenge assumptions and status quo, positioning ourselves to create the changes we, and others, need.
When was the last time you made an inventory of your skills, gifts and talents? When was the last time you asked yourself whether you were operating at your full capacity, or stifling your own growth, thus depriving others of its fruits too? When was the last time you wondered what it would take for you to operate on purpose and gain fulfillment in this season of your life?
Planning:
Part of maintaining the status quo is about deliberately not changing or adjusting existing structures. When it comes to work, while many “quick” fixes have been implemented to attempt to remedy gender inequities, from increasing the number of women on boards to various gender-focused diversity initiatives, it’s the structural foundation that has to be addressed. I remember a good friend and colleague telling me years ago: “ The 9-to-5 is an antiquated relic, and will disappear someday”. As we navigate the post-COVID era, with the advent of remote and hybrid work, we’ve come across the realization that the structure of work can (and will) change without major repercussions.
This is where as working women and moms we can begin and continue to think about restructuring the way we work to our benefit, rather than putting up with work that runs opposite to our well-being, sanity and success. Re-imagining the way we work as women and moms entails not just performing a deep self, family and community assessment. It is also about making the often hard decisions required to get back to a different type of work. Some of these may require deciding on a change in schedules, a hybrid work arrangement, or a drastic change in employer or industry altogether.
Making the Change:
Last but not least, getting back to work, albeit this time work that actually works for working women and moms, also requires implementing the necessary changes. Whether drastic changes or minor scheduling adjustments, the reality is, on working women and moms’ obstacle-laced paths, changes, even when critically necessary, constitute yet another obstacle. Add to it the fact that many, if not most changes related to women, from access to certain professions reserved to men to even being allowed to work after having children, were challenging and lengthy to come by, to say the least. As working women and moms stand at the core of the family, the community and the society, any structural change affecting working women and moms also affect the latter.
This is where making a structural work change as working women and moms, such as negotiating flexible work arrangements, creating support networks, and advocating for policy changes, goes further than simply taking on new habits, or even setting systems and processes. Making effective, long-term and significant structural changes to the way we work and live, from changing our schedules to creating the support networks we need, involves:
Putting quality of life first: Determining and focusing on what constitutes our quality of life can help spot and pick the companies and businesses that offer more flexibility and well-being. It can also help in determining what needs to change both on the home and professional front.
Fostering open communication in and outside of home: Open communication requires identifying and addressing the issues we face. For working women and moms, open communication when it comes to our needs whether related to maternity leave or childcare support, can help amplify our voices and bring about much needed change.
Taking a stand and committing to long-term change: Making effective change demands having a long-term vision and commitment to it. What is the vision behind the change that needs to happen in our work and way of life? What is the “why” behind it, to fuel the commitment towards it? Realizing that some of these changes may well take more time than anticipated can also help keep us on track.
Overall, restructuring our work as a working women and moms to gain more purpose and fulfillment will require a similar struggle and progress than the women who have come generations before us. Yet, it’s a struggle and progress that also begins at the individual, family, community and societal level. One that requires reflection, planning and ultimately making the necessary changes.
How are you restructuring the way you work and live as a working woman and/or mom?
