May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and in these times of pandemic it is taking on a special meaning for everyone. For working moms especially, who are highly impacted economically and whose load is multiplied on the home, work and health frontlines, it is taking on a larger and more critical meaning by the minute. Yet, more than the unfair share of work and home responsibilities, it’s the mental load working moms carry that threatens their well-being.
It’s becoming increasingly important for working moms to take care of themselves and protect their mental health. Juggling the demands of motherhood and employment, not to mention the related economic and physical impact, not only take a mental, but also an emotional toll on mothers. One that we don’t talk about enough, and repeatedly ignore as a society as we keep glorifying the motherly sacrifice that is hurting more than it is helping anyone.
Faced with increasing demands on our time, energy and sanity, from inside and outside our homes, from our daily to-do’s to the mediatized messages around “doing and having it all“, it’s harder and harder not to fall victim to the temptation of constantly pushing ourselves. All along, we pretend to be fine. We pretend everything is ok, that we’re unstoppable, that we can take the heat, that we can attend the boardroom meeting AND be there for the kids’ soccer game, get dinner AND prepare the brief, and so on and so forth…We’ve just got to keep it together, at all times, at all costs…
Truth is, we don’t have to keep it all together. We don’t even have to keep any of it together. What we have to keep together is our mental health. What we must preserve is our wholeness, the same wholeness that our kids learn from and our communities are strengthened by. What we must fight for is our pulse, our capacity to be, live, and grow fully…And none of it includes over-scheduling ourselves and our kids, working ourselves to the bone, and feeling like we’re failing in all areas at the same time…
While there is a lot of expert advice on mental health awareness, protecting our mental health as working moms can start at home:
Let’s check in with ourselves
We check in with everyone else around us, from our families to strangers on the street. Yet, how often do we check in with ourselves? How often do we stop once during the day to simply ask: “How am I doing today?” How often do we stop and simply sit in silence and breathe?
Checking in with ourselves will let us know when we’re not ok, when the tightness in our chest is more than indigestion, or the constant headaches may be hiding something deeper. It’s the first gateway to taking our mental pulse, and the first step towards better mental health and wholeness.
How about letting go of the need to keep it together?
Why is it that we must tidy up the house before we leave, even if that means stressing ourselves and running late? Why do we feel that we must keep our homes, our families and ourselves looking a certain way, at the expense of our own sanity? Why do we feel the need to prove that we are perfect homemakers and can bake a cake three different ways? Not that there is anything wrong with keeping a tidy home and looking great, on the contrary, these are great, especially if they make us feel better. Plus who doesn’t love cakes? Yet, if it’s unauthentic or it’s coming at the cost of violating our integrity and authenticity, it is never worth it…Nothing ever is…
Letting go of the need to keep it together is hard. It’s going against all the messages we’ve been endoctrinated with at a very early age. It’s going against the very voices of our mothers, sisters, and friends. Yet, it’s essential, so we can stop suffering in silence to maintain an image that was never us…
When help comes in the form of therapy…
Asking for help is complicated. Asking for help when help is wrapped under taboo concepts such as therapy is even more complicated. It’s ok to fear it, and not want it at first, and believe we don’t need it…Everyone has their own journey, and makes their own decisions.
Yet, if at some fork of the winding road of motherhood, work, and life, we find ourselves needing an extra hand to take the next step, that may just be it…Even if it means someone else has to make the call for us, drive us, and wait for us at the door…
Welcome to Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
Dear Working Mom is our weekly letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
How many times this week/month/year have you set aside your own needs for that of others? How many times have you felt yourself shrinking, and sometimes even a bit resentful, at not being able to have a little tiny bit of a moment to yourself, to do something you truly enjoy, or just to be and breathe? How many times have you questioned yourself, only to be overwhelmed by this constant sense of guilt that seems to follow you everywhere, all the way to the bathroom as you strive to pee alone?
Yes, you’ve got a lot on your plate. And yes, you may not exactly in a position to pick and choose what to let go of, and what to keep of your obligations and commitments, because so many people depend on you. Yet, really, how much of all this stuff on your plate do you really have to take on all at once? Are all the to-do’s on your to-do list really to do? What would happen if you let go of some of the least essential of these, if you did not work all these extra hours to treat everyone, if you did not cook all the meals but taught the kids how to, if you did ask for the help you need? What would happen if you broke yourself a little less so others can remain whole, if you dared to say “No, this doesn’t actually work for me”, or “This is what I need‘’? What would happen then?
Maybe what would happen is that world would not come to an end…That others would come to your help, honor your value, and give you what you did not realize you really never asked for out loud…Maybe the world would open up entire streams of possibilities and opportunities as its usual gracious response to all those who dare to seek more of the wholeness they’ve always had but so selflessly gave away…
Maybe if you dared to please yourself for once, or twice, or a few times, you would realize that no one is going to break…That actually those who truly love you have been waiting for you to take yourself back, to take your time back, to take your wholeness back, so they too could learn through you to own their wholeness…That giving of oneself does not equate giving all of you because when you give all of you, you have nothing left to give…
Dear Working Mom, I hope today, and every day, even if it’s at the end of the day, or when the first rays of sun shine through the window of your soul, that you decide to put yourself first. I hope you don’t feel shame pleasing yourself once, twice, or many times, not at the expense of others, but at the expense of hiding your true, beautiful and unique wholeness to a world that needs it more than it will ever need your sacrifice…
Dear Working Mom is our weekly letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
So often, the world tends to measure and glorify your worth by how much you do. How much you dedicate yourself to your family, how well you’re able to “balance” it all, be it career, life or relationships, and how good you are at making it look all easy and glamorous in the process. The more you can do, and add to your already full plate, the more you’re glorified and encouraged to take on even more.
With enough time, external and internal pressure, you may have come to value yourself as a working mom based on what you do. So you keep going, despite being exhausted and unsure at times, adding to your already overwhelming to-do list, running from work meetings to the kids’ extra-curricular activities, making time to answer texts and hang out with the girls, and still managing to look impeccable in the process…
Yet, no one really knows as much as you do how tired and in need of a break you are. Even when it seems you can take a break, life manages to fill it up with chores to catch up on, programs to devise, and something extra to do…At the end of the day, you feel that you are defined by what you do rather than simply by who you are…What if you were not around? What if you couldn’t do what you do? What if…
It would take something monumental to happen for you to stop and observe the much-needed pause you’ve been craving for so long…And even then, you may still have someone to help, someone to rescue, some task to carry out…While you may find it challenging to resist the temptation to define yourself and base your value on what you do, there are a few self-probing questions that may help you, and all of us in the process, move back to valuing who we are and not just what we do:
Who are you when you’re not doing?
How many times have you asked yourself who you really are when you’re not doing? When you’re not taking care of someone else, working towards a goal or for someone else, or striving to satisfy yours or others’ expectations? What are the passions, likes and dislikes at the core of yourself, that you may have neglected to instead carry out your various responsibilities and duties?
As you ask yourself these questions and others along the same lines, you may find out some pretty fascinating things about yourself. You may re-connect with past loves and interests, discover some parts of yourself you may have buried deep inside a long time ago, and fall back in love with the individual behind the overachieving, high-performing woman.
How would you re-define yourself outside of what you do?
If you could re-define yourself, what would you do more of? What would you do less of? How would you re-invent yourself? What would your ideal life and work look like?
When you take some time away from doing, achieving and performing, you may just find yourself ready to go in a different personal and professional direction. Or you may find that some aspects of the way you’ve been living and working should change, or at least be modified somewhat.
How can you protect the truth of who you are?
When there are so many demands on your person, time and energy, how can you protect your authenticity? How can you remain to your true desires and nature when you barely have time to stop and take a pause to even discover these? How can you draw healthy boundaries that allow you to preserve the truth of who you are, while allowing you to grow into the best version of yourself, at your own pace?
As you distance yourself from just what you do and get closer to who you are, you may start feeling the urge to protect your precious authenticity from society’s demands and impositions. You may begin to think of stricter boundaries on your time, what you devote your energy to, and where you choose to put your attention.
Because Dear Working Mom, you are not defined by what you do. You have value and worth simply because of who you are…
When what you can see on the outside is not exactly encouraging, or remotely aligned with your hopes and expectations, it’s hard to have faith, whatever you may call your own faith. When the gap between what you can see and what you desperately want to believe widens so much your vision of the future gets blurry, believing becomes a hard target to reach…Yet paradoxically enough, it’s the very faith that tends to be compromised in times of challenge that is acutely needed to go through these times…
Like many, I’ve certainly struggled with keeping my faith intact in times of trouble. As we currently face the coronavirus pandemic, keeping the faith is especially challenging, in light of the monumental threats to our health, both physical and mental, as well as our economic stability.
However, despite some of the impossible challenges we may face, keeping the faith is essential to not only surviving, but also thriving in times of crisis. I’ve also learnt that one of the keys to doing so is to believe beyond what you can see, and re-visit your faith in a positive, productive but also forgiving way:
What’s your faith anchored in?
Crisis forces us to question and re-focus on our core beliefs and assumptions about life. It stops us in our busy and familiar tracks, and stills us enough to consider what we’ve been anchoring ourselves, lives, careers, and ultimately faith in. I know I’ve struggled with this as I’ve had to seriously ask myself during this coronavirus pandemic when many are losing their jobs and others are working under different, remote circumstances, how much of my own faith is based on my own circumstances.
What’s your faith anchored in? Is it anchored in your own self-worth, your spirituality, your career, your current socio-economic condition, or any other factor? If so, how is your faith anchor holding up in times of crisis?
Re-direct the core of your faith
Questioning what your faith is anchored in also prompts you to re-direct it. For some, it may mean reinforcing its core and re-directing it towards your current circumstances. For others, it may mean taking an entirely new direction when it comes to your beliefs, and sometimes even doubting your faith. For me, it has been a matter of focusing on my inner belief process, as opposed to its outer manifestations.
How are you re-directing the core of your faith in times of crisis? How are you modifying or developing your key assumptions or beliefs when crisis hits?
Reframe your faith
You may have to re-frame your faith in a more practical way to address your current circumstances, especially during challenging times. What happens when you can no longer practice your faith as you are used to, when places of worship are closed and large regroupments of people are prohibited? What do you resort to when you have to worship and praise differently? How do you adjust to your faith looking and feeling different in the face of new events?
During this coronavirus crisis when large groupings are people are prohibited, what I’ve been used to in terms of gathering in common places to worship has been fundamentally changed. As a result, I’ve had to re-frame my faith in a more practical way, and find ways and spaces to worship in my own home with my family.
How are you experiencing your faith in times of crisis?
For better or worse, marriages can be wonderful, but they also require work. Lots of work, especially during challenging times. As we’re navigating the current coronavirus crisis, and entire families are safe at home together, many, if not most, marriage bonds are tested. As a matter of fact, a skyrocketing rate of divorces is being expected as a result of it.
Whereas busy dual-career couples may have barely passed each other like ships in the night before, they are now continuously sharing the same spaces day in and day out. Relationships which were already tense are bound to get even more tense, while decent, even happy marriages are now being put to the test of the mundane, while facing the harsh threats of disease, economic uncertainty and even death.
As a self-proclaimed “independent” working mom, like so many, going from being able to go about my daily life as I pleased, to having my freedom of movement restricted and being confined to the traditional home environment, has certainly been a huge shift, both mentally and practically. Before this, I already knew, and experienced, the unequal distribution of responsibilities between men and women in the household, as does the large majority of working women and moms. Yet, I was far from imagining how these harsh disparities would be brought to the forefront in these current circumstances. Even with partners who significantly contribute to the household’s management, as is the case with dear hubby, the majority of the household responsibilities and chores statistically predominantly falls on women’s shoulders. This can certainly lead to conflicts in the household, in addition to the pressure of the heightened stress, anxiety, and worry stemming from this crisis, not to mention dealing with childcare, kids’ homeschooling right along with business and career responsibilities.
As such, preserving your marriage in challenging times of crisis such as these can seem close to impossible. Truth is, these are unprecedented times that also call for unprecedented measures, and a drastically different approach to the way we view marriages and relationships in general. I’ve been learning a lot through these times, and much of this learning has been quite tough. Some of the lessons I’ve garnered about my own relationship, and through conversations with sister friends, can be summarized as below:
Ask: What do you need from me in this season?
The main problem in most relationships, romantic or otherwise, generally lies in lack of communication, especially as relationships and circumstances change. I know I’ve certainly been guilty of it, overestimating my own capacity to handle different situations and contexts. However, I’ve learnt at my own expense to have more honest and more frequent conversations with my spouse, not just in times of crisis, but as we both evolve as individuals in general and face new contexts like job changes, family losses, personal disappointments and victories, etc…
As I was listening to one of Sarah Jakes Roberts’ Woman Evolve podcast episodes, I was struck by her suggestion to check in periodically with one’s partner and ask: “What do you need from me in this season?”
As both partners evolve and situations and circumstances change, it becomes crucial to check in with each other through the inevitable change and growth. For me, it’s been about checking in as to what it means now to work from home together, homeschool our kids, and spend much more time in close quarters than we’ve been accustomed to.
What do you need from your partner in this season?
Re-frame your definition of your own marriage and commitment
As you and your partner evolve and learn to know each other better, your definition of commitment and marriage may change with time. I know it certainly did for me, from all love, butterflies and also senseless disagreements, to job changes, kids, financial obligations, and so much more… As we faced many a crisis together, we’ve certainly had to re-frame our own sense of commitment and marriage.
As you move through your own process of life, your own relationship may also be re-defined over and over again. As you face challenging times, its very foundation may be shaken and you may again have to re-delineate the boundaries and expectations of and about your relationship.
In this current coronavirus pandemic, for me it’s been about re-framing my own definition of partnership and caring for each other to partnering more on the small details of daily life that make a world of difference in our current stay-at-home arrangement, from who washes the dishes to how to give each other personal space.
How are you re-framing your definition of marriage and commitment in this crisis?
Learn as you go
The most beautiful thing about marriage and relationships is the endless potential for learning about oneself and others. I’ve learnt marriage really acts as a big, giant mirror reflecting who we truly are. Every disagreement, every conflict, every conversation, and definitely every change and crisis, is an opportunity to re-discover a side of oneself, and of the other, we may not have seen before. It takes a lifetime to know and grow into who we really are, into the best version of ourselves, and to really know others.
As we change, others change as well, because, really, the only constant is change, and without change in ourselves and others, we’re really keeping ourselves stuck and stagnating when the very process of Life consists in growing, evolving and flourishing.
Throughout this crisis, I’m learning to identify my own triggers, cultivate some much-needed patience, and remind myself daily about these “for better or worse” vows, among other daily lessons I’m getting hit with…
What are you learning as you go in your relationship?
Dear Working Mom is our weekly letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
As the coronavirus pandemic is beating our emotions and confining us home with our families, many of us may be tempted to think, more than ever, that we’re not enough. Much of it may stem from our own inadequacies, our insecurities, and society’s constant message that we have to constantly do more in order to be more, or at least to be perceived as more…
This crisis has probably stretched you to the maximum, increasing your daily to-do’s and confirming the heavy burden you were already carrying. It may have made you question your own sanity, and wonder if you can adapt to this new normal made up of homeschooling, remotely working, cooking, cleaning, and everything else in between.
As you worry about your family, elderly parents and grand-parents, and watch your children grow up in a world that looks like nothing you’ve ever experienced, you may fluctuate between hope and despair. As you consider the job you’ve lost, the bank account that is rapidly declining, the tragic news buzzing around on television and social media, you may be wondering if things will ever go back to normal…Add to this the guilt that you’re not doing enough, not protecting your family enough, not caring for your elderly parents and other family members, not caring enough for your friends and yourself, and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy may settle in…
Yet, you get up every day and manage to put a smile on your face. Despite it all, you’re still running a whole household, working through online meetings, teaching your kids, cooking, cleaning, and still keeping your sanity, or at least a sliver of it. You’re still getting back up on your feet after the layoff, the financial challenges, and the worry and anxiety that seem to invade your thoughts…
But although you may not feel this way, you’re enough, you’re doing the best you can with what you have, right where you’re at. You always have. It’s not business as usual, and it may not be for a while. Whatever may happen, you are always enough, as an individual, as a mother, as a friend, daughter, sister, and any other role you may be filling…
