Self-care? What self-care? That’s the question many working women and moms ask themselves (and others) when constantly pummeled with the urgency of self-care. When everything else is urgent, from the kids’ school activities to professional responsibilities and household duties, how do we make time for self-care? How do we even begin to care for ourselves when there is so much to do to care for others? And most importantly, how do we maintain a consistent habit of self-care when our schedules are prone to so much change and upheaval, from kids’ sick days to hybrid work?
If you’re reading this and nodding, then you know how setting and keeping self-care habits as a working woman and mom is daunting. It’s all fun and games to read the plethora of self-care advice out there, especially coming from women who are able to hire personal chefs, trainers and assistants? Yet, when you’re busy saving for the kids’ college and catching up on your own retirement, all the while trying to get your sleep on and snatching some childcare on the fly, where do you fit self-care?
Like so many other working women and moms, I have, and still am, grappling with all these questions, plus the undercover guilt of not properly taking care of myself at times. Finding the time, money and resources to practice and maintain proper self-care is no easy feat. So what are some simpler ways, accessible and available to most of us, to do this without breaking the bank, the schedule or losing our minds? Here are three simple ways to get started:
Build small self-care habits into your daily routine
Planning for the monthly spa date with the girls or a solo trip is certainly great for most of us. However, for many among us, it’s not always feasible. Even when it is, it may not be sustainable in the long run, what with the little one catching a cold, an unexpected bill popping up, or a marriage crisis brewing in the background. Besides, what are we to do in between the monthly spa dates and solo trips? This is where building self-care into your daily routine can make a difference. It starts by seeing self-care differently, as just the simple act of caring for oneself, and not necessarily champagne-infused indulgences at the local spa. This can be done by building small self-care habits in the margins of life and work, such as waking up a few minutes earlier to enjoy a cup of coffee alone, or going to bed earlier to read a few pages of your favorite novel before catching some zzz’s. Long commute? How about finding some self-care podcasts to listen to, such as one of my favorites, “The Science of Happiness”.
Set an easy budget
Google the word “self-care”, and you may easily be overwhelmed with glamorous pictures of girls’ trips in Napa valley sipping on some fancy wine, or overpriced spas offering the latest fad in Swedish massages…Even self-care apparently requires money these days. Don’t get me wrong, I can enjoy a fancy spa and gourmet wine too, just not one that adds more financial stress…
If you’re like me, setting an easy “self-care” budget can help. This can be as easy as setting up an automatic $20 deduction a week from your paycheck into an account appropriately called “Self-Care” or “Self Love” (or whichever name will bring a smile of relief on your face). That’s $80 a month, $240 a year, and can take care of some the indulgences you would list under self-care.
Make it a family habit
For the working mamas reading this, we all know how self-care can be daunting. Just getting time on the toilet to gather your thoughts together or scroll through Instagram can be a challenge, never mind a stroll at the local mall or 15 minutes to get your eyebrows waxed without the little one requesting your undivided attention. So how about making self-care a family habit? I get it, the point is to get away from the family, however building family habits around self-care can help everyone understand and respect the need for it. This can take the form of implementing some “quiet time” at home, or teaching kids about the importance of self-care by helping them develop their own self-care habits.
Get a self-care accountability partner
One of the biggest obstacles to taking care of ourselves, is actually maintaining good self-care habits. Often, especially at the beginning of a year or season, we start on a good footing, only to fall back a few weeks or months later, overtaken by other “urgent” tasks and too tired to re-commit. This is where a self-care accountability partner can help. Sharing your self-care goals and being accountable to someone else can go a long way toward ensuring you don’t fall off the bandwagon. And if you do, someone will be there to catch you.
All in all, as attractive as the prospect of self-care can be, the reality is, it can also be daunting for many working women and moms already stretched too thin. However, by building self-care into our daily routine, setting an easy budget, making it a family habit, and getting a self-care accountability partner, it is possible to include more self-care into our daily lives.
One of the most challenging parts of growth as an individual, and especially as a working woman and mom, is the part when you realize that not everybody will grow and go with you. It’s a daunting and saddening realization that can be heartbreaking at times. Yet, it’s the sometimes heart-wrenching reality of personal growth. The part when caring for yourself means letting go of people not mean to grow with you….
Very often, especially as women, we’re socialized into groups and relationships that are supposed to last a lifetime. These are the friendships from “back in the day”, the associations from “way back when”, that we’re too attached to release, even when it’s clear they are no longer working in our favor. So we stay and hang around, and suppress that little voice inside telling us it is time to move on. So we shrink a little more, and a little more, to fit into boxes we’ve outgrown, for the sake of not shaking the boat…Yet, despite all your best efforts, you find yourself stagnating, not just in that relationship, but in many if not all areas of your life.
Beyond weekly manicures and pedicures, self-care also means letting go of those not meant to grow with you. While being a complex process, this release process is all too often necessary. While certainly challenging, it doesn’t have to be a drastic or dramatic process. Often, it’s just a matter of re-classifying relationships in a way that truly reflects who you are and your process of growth, which may require a few steps:
Trust yourself
How many times have you gotten this sense in your gut that things weren’t quite right? And how many times have you silenced your own instincts, preferring to trust the comfort of old habits?
The first step to releasing relationships that are no longer meant for us (or were never meant for us) is to trust ourselves. Our bodies will tell us when something is not quite right. We’ll sense it in our gut. The key is to trust ourselves.
Release in peace
Letting go, be it of relationships, associations, or jobs, does not have to be a dramatic process. Being at peace as we release what is no longer meant for us helps us keep a clear mind and spirit as we move on to the next step in our lives, on purpose.
While there may be times when confrontation is unavoidable, as much as possible, keep your peace.
More acceptance, less resistance
The difficulty in letting go of what or who is not meant to grow with us is often a matter of resistance. It’s hard to accept that we’ve been used to for so long, whether it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a career, is coming to an end. So we resist and struggle to maintain the status quo, instead of accepting things as they are.
Being accepting of what is does not mean being complacent and taking whatever comes at face value. It simply means believing you are provided for at all times, and something or someone leaving is only making room for better.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and in these times of pandemic it is taking on a special meaning for everyone. For working moms especially, who are highly impacted economically and whose load is multiplied on the home, work and health frontlines, it is taking on a larger and more critical meaning by the minute. Yet, more than the unfair share of work and home responsibilities, it’s the mental load working moms carry that threatens their well-being.
It’s becoming increasingly important for working moms to take care of themselves and protect their mental health. Juggling the demands of motherhood and employment, not to mention the related economic and physical impact, not only take a mental, but also an emotional toll on mothers. One that we don’t talk about enough, and repeatedly ignore as a society as we keep glorifying the motherly sacrifice that is hurting more than it is helping anyone.
Faced with increasing demands on our time, energy and sanity, from inside and outside our homes, from our daily to-do’s to the mediatized messages around “doing and having it all“, it’s harder and harder not to fall victim to the temptation of constantly pushing ourselves. All along, we pretend to be fine. We pretend everything is ok, that we’re unstoppable, that we can take the heat, that we can attend the boardroom meeting AND be there for the kids’ soccer game, get dinner AND prepare the brief, and so on and so forth…We’ve just got to keep it together, at all times, at all costs…
Truth is, we don’t have to keep it all together. We don’t even have to keep any of it together. What we have to keep together is our mental health. What we must preserve is our wholeness, the same wholeness that our kids learn from and our communities are strengthened by. What we must fight for is our pulse, our capacity to be, live, and grow fully…And none of it includes over-scheduling ourselves and our kids, working ourselves to the bone, and feeling like we’re failing in all areas at the same time…
While there is a lot of expert advice on mental health awareness, protecting our mental health as working moms can start at home:
Let’s check in with ourselves
We check in with everyone else around us, from our families to strangers on the street. Yet, how often do we check in with ourselves? How often do we stop once during the day to simply ask: “How am I doing today?” How often do we stop and simply sit in silence and breathe?
Checking in with ourselves will let us know when we’re not ok, when the tightness in our chest is more than indigestion, or the constant headaches may be hiding something deeper. It’s the first gateway to taking our mental pulse, and the first step towards better mental health and wholeness.
How about letting go of the need to keep it together?
Why is it that we must tidy up the house before we leave, even if that means stressing ourselves and running late? Why do we feel that we must keep our homes, our families and ourselves looking a certain way, at the expense of our own sanity? Why do we feel the need to prove that we are perfect homemakers and can bake a cake three different ways? Not that there is anything wrong with keeping a tidy home and looking great, on the contrary, these are great, especially if they make us feel better. Plus who doesn’t love cakes? Yet, if it’s unauthentic or it’s coming at the cost of violating our integrity and authenticity, it is never worth it…Nothing ever is…
Letting go of the need to keep it together is hard. It’s going against all the messages we’ve been endoctrinated with at a very early age. It’s going against the very voices of our mothers, sisters, and friends. Yet, it’s essential, so we can stop suffering in silence to maintain an image that was never us…
When help comes in the form of therapy…
Asking for help is complicated. Asking for help when help is wrapped under taboo concepts such as therapy is even more complicated. It’s ok to fear it, and not want it at first, and believe we don’t need it…Everyone has their own journey, and makes their own decisions.
Yet, if at some fork of the winding road of motherhood, work, and life, we find ourselves needing an extra hand to take the next step, that may just be it…Even if it means someone else has to make the call for us, drive us, and wait for us at the door…
As working moms, many, we’re on the front line of caring for loved ones and families in times of crisis, such as the coronavirus pandemic we’re currently facing. This also may mean we may not have much time to care for ourselves, in between handling childcare, homeschooling, remote work, and household chores, among others. Considering many working moms already do not invest enough time in self-care, situations of crisis only worsen things. Many of us feel we don’t have enough time, don’t deserve it, or feel it’s an indulgence we’d feel guilty to take advantage of.
As a working mom myself, I hesitate to take time for myself for self-care when considering the needs of my own family, especially in times of crisis. When I do, it’s with a lagging sense of guilt that may prevent me from enjoying it altogether. I know many working moms feel the same, and it’s especially prevalent when a crisis occurs. However, it’s important to constantly remind ourselves that our well-being doesn’t only serve us, but serves our families, loved ones and anyone else who may come in contact with us.
As counter-intuitive as it may sound, prioritizing self-care in times of crisis is crucial for working moms. As we handle so many responsibilities at home and at work, our vulnerability resulting from lack of self-care directly affects those around us.
Here are a few ways to care for yourself as a working mom in times of crisis:
Prioritize your mental health
Periods of crisis tend to heighten our anxiety, worry and sense of despair, along with any tendency we may have to mentally suffer. Any negativity around these, especially through social media, may reinforce it. Our mental health as working moms is put on the test during times of crisis, as we may neglect it to care for others and assume our many responsibilities. Yet, without a healthy mindset, it’s extremely challenging to keep up with raising kids, working, uplifting our families and taking care of our loved ones and households.
Prioritizing our mental health may mean rising up earlier or taking time out for activities such as praying, meditating, or journaling. It may also be a matter of reaching out to friends and family members, seeking therapy (online therapy is an option), reading or watching your favorite show.
Schedule your self-care
In between all our obligations and duties, it may be challenging to find time for self-care, which is why scheduling it is necessary. Adding self-care, whether it’s an exercise session, a therapy appointment (live or online), or just some time to read or relax, can make all the difference.
For working moms, it may mean blocking our calendars to resist the temptation of overworking, and informing our families that we need to care for ourselves.
Take breaks from work
In times of crisis, we may be tempted to overwork or give in too much of ourselves to our responsibilities. Scheduling breaks, such as a formal lunch break instead of just eating while working, can go a long way.
While we may be tempted to work overtime, it’s important to discipline ourselves to take breaks. Using a timer or an electronic reminder to do so can help, as well as setting firm boundaries.
Take a break from the kids
Yes, we love our kids, but we also need a break from time to time, even from our most precious loved ones. This may be a matter of having a partner or trusted family member or friend relieve us for a few hours, while we rest and recharge. Or it may be building a family schedule including individual activities for the kids that allows us to have some breathing moments here and there.
It’s also a welcome break for our kids, who can learn to develop their independence.
Ask for help
Last but not least, as brave as we may be, learning to ask for help is an important part of our self-care. Whether it’s asking our partner to support us in a way that truly helps us, requesting assistance at work, or seeking support from professionals such as therapists for instance.
Overall, periods of crisis should not prevent us from caring for ourselves, even in the most basic way, as working moms. Whether it’s prioritizing our mental health, scheduling self-care activities, taking breaks from work and even our kids and asking for help, self-care during times of challenge should be a priority.
I remember the feeling of being engrossed in a book for hours, enjoying every single sentence, treasuring every single word as I l crouched hidden as a child in my closet with a candle on to finish (or start) a book. If you are a book lover and bookworm like myself, you know the feeling. And then life happened, kids happened, pick-ups and drop-offs along with work schedules and the whole “adulting” thing, took over. Gradually, as a working mom, I was barely getting to one page a day, then a week, then the babies started ripping pages off my favorite books, when these would not accidentally slip in the toilet as I struggled to hide in the bathroom to sneak some personal mama time. Before I knew it, I had almost given up on books as a source of learning and as pure, unadulterated joy, for lack of time to read.
Reading has been proven to have a plethora of benefits, from mental stimulation that can slow the progress of dementia and Alzheimer’s, to reducing stress, increasing knowledge and vocabulary, to improving memory, concentration and focus, to cite a few. Many of the most successful and influential individuals, from Oprah to Bill Gates, credit reading for much of their inspiration and achievements. For me, it’s always been a source of escape, and my favorite way to learn about anything. As a student, it has allowed me to grasp the most complex concepts. As a working woman, it’s been my saving grace to acquire the skills I needed, and as a writer and teacher, the fuel to my inspiration and the essence of my life’s work.
Giving up on it as the pressures of life, parenting and work accumulated felt like an unfair punishment, in addition to a blatant disadvantage as a working woman and mom. The more intentional I decided to be about how I spent my time and what to say yes to, the more it became crucial to re-establish reading as a part of my schedule. Here are some ways that helped me do so, and that may help you as well as you make more time to enjoy the pleasures and benefits of reading:
Make reading a part of your sacred time
When I started re-prioritizing my time and how I spent it, I began to re-classify some of what I call my pillar activities as my sacred time. These include my prayer and worship, meditation, family, exercise and reading time, as my sacred time. By sacred, I mean non-negotiable, at all. For me, it means reading for 30 minutes a day at the very least, usually early in the morning or at bedtime. It also means letting go of non-sacred activities, such as browsing social media, or watching TV, in order to fit some yummy book-reading in. At the end of the day, it’s all a matter of priorities.
One effective way to make more time for reading is to make it a family activity. I love public libraries, and as a new mom on maternity leave, I would often sit at the local library for hours with the babies reading while they would play or nap. It later turned into a regular family activity, which also instilled in my kids a love for reading. As they carve out their own time to read, I also now take it as an opportunity to enjoy a good book myself. And voila, it works for everyone!
Consider technology as a way of reading too
I recently started listening to audiobooks and to my surprise, I really enjoy listening in on a good book on my long commutes to work and school. It’s another way I found to get some reading in, especially when driving, doing laundry or cleaning the house. Granted, I still prefer my good old paper books (blame it on habit), especially when it comes to fiction books. I find it easier to listen to a non-fiction, practical book than a fictional account, but it’s mostly personal preference.
If you’ve been considering giving up on reading, or have been struggling to fit it in as part of your schedule, I hope these suggestions motivate and inspire you to continue to invest in yourself through books.
How will you make more time to read as a working mom?
As working women and moms, the reality is we often neglect our mental health. Faced with all the responsibilities and duties imposed (and self-imposed as well) on us, we tend to put this part of self-care on the back burner a lot. This is especially relevant when we consider the dark stigma around mental health and therapy, especially in minority communities. I grew up in Senegal, West Africa, where the entire concept of mental health was (and in many ways still is) ignored altogether.
Back then, we didn’t talk about mental disease, only pitying the “crazy” men and women abandoned on the streets for lack of better care. Despite the existence of mental health hospitals, there was a strong stigma on mental health, or the lack thereof. As a result, for me, the necessity of caring for one’s mental health was non-existent. You just had to cope with whatever came your way in life, and that was that…
It wasn’t until later in life, after experiencing the heart-wrenching blow of suicide, loss and grief, that I started wondering about mental health. As an immigrant in a different culture that was more open to considering the importance of mental health and therapy, I had the opportunity to learn more about it. First, from books, then through conversations, and ultimately through experiencing the benefits of therapy myself at a turning point in my life and work.
Like many, I felt the stigma and the associated sense of shame around it initially, especially as a strong Black woman who was taught to “handle my business privately”. Yet, what I learnt about myself, my beliefs, values and story, and the deep process of healing and freedom that ensued, absolutely amazed me, and prompted me to share my experience with fellow women and moms:
Going to therapy is an act of bravery and NOT weakness
One of the main reasons why so many women, and people in general, avoid therapy (or any form of mental health care) is because of the stigma of weakness associated with it. For many, to go to therapy means admitting to being weak, to not being able to cope with life, or being unable to “handle your business”.
As a result, the rate of suicides and depression have been climbing at an alarming rate, as individuals are left to struggle alone. On the very contrary, taking care of one’s mind is an act of courage, an act of bravery that says: “I want to be whole, so I can in turn help others be whole”.
Your mind is your most important asset, and you should care for it
The most important asset we have is our mind. It’s the battleground where our thoughts define the way we see, and act towards, the world. It can literally make or break us. So why wouldn’t we, especially as women and moms who are in charge of so much of the world’s education through our influence on families and children, care for it as well as we do our bodies?
Imagine dealing with everything you deal with as a working woman and mom, and not stopping to wonder if you’re ok mentally? It’s with our minds that we raise our children, follow purpose, help others, build striving lives and careers, and they deserve the best care.
Your growth and healing affect others
We all carry baggage from our pasts and present. From childhood on, we are shaped by beliefs and values transmitted to us by well-meaning parents, family members and communities who themselves carried negative baggage from their own experiences. As such, we’re not always responsible for the cards we’re handed in life. Yet, what we are responsible for is our own healing and growth as individuals. Without it, we run the risk of stagnating and not evolving ourselves, not to mention bleeding on and hurting others who may not be able to defend themselves, including our children.
As moms especially, our mental health deeply affects our children, and we are the ones instilling many of the values and beliefs they keep for most of their lives. It also affects our marriages, couples (hence the importance of couple therapy as well) and relationships. That is a heavy responsibility that we must be aware of and heed carefully.
All in all, caring for your mental health as a working mom is far from being an indulgence. It’s actually a necessity that doesn’t just impact you, but whose benefits extend to everyone and everything around you. However, it requires courage, commitment and the willingness to preserve one’s mental well-being.
Have you been considering your mental health and ways to better care for it?
