by Solange Lopes | Oct 23, 2018 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
Have you ever felt the pressure to be the perfect working mom or parent in general? Do you scroll through social media picture-perfect accounts of overachieving parents spending their weekends on the soccer field or traveling to ballet competitions, wondering if your own parenting is sub-par? Or are you exhausted trying to keep up with the impossibly busy schedules of your little (or not so little) ones?
As a perfectionist, ex-teacher pet and recovering overachiever, I believed the same qualities could be applied to parenting when I became a parent myself. Add to that being an African immigrant subjected to the excellence standard so many immigrants are familiar with, I thought it natural to pass it on to my children as well. Although I’m not the kind of mom you’d catch baking batches of cookies for the school’s bake sale or running from competitive soccer games to ballet competitions, there’s still enough of the “perfect parenting pressure” of modern times to keep me on my tired working mom toes. Enough to keep me, and other working moms and parents, pushing ourselves to do as much as humanly possible to cater to every sporting event, school activity, or extra-curricular requirement of our children (and exhausting ourselves in the process)…
Growing up in Senegal, West Africa, in a loving, yet strict single-parent household, I was fortunate enough to experience the tough yet wise African kind of parenting. That brand of parenting where love meant injecting a healthy dose of “constructive” criticism” to everything you did, and holding you to rigid standards of respect and social behavior. The kind of parenting where affection was served with a helping of struggle and a “you can’t have it your way” attitude. While I was privileged in many aspects, there was no being shuttled left and right to a gazillion activities, I had to figure out my own homework, and I had better not bring anything less than an A home. Oh, and did I mention, all family members, plus the neighbors, were not only allowed, but encouraged, to set me straight shall I stray from the expected path.
Fast-forward a few years, becoming a parent myself, as an immigrant, I’d find myself running to and fro activities and poring over school projects too big for my limited artistic skills. Add to that feeling guilty for messing up the frosting on the Halloween brownies and missing my son scoring a goal beI had never signed up to be a perfect parent, so I had to check myself (and my own sanity). I also had to learn that perfect parenting is a myth that can only end up with thinned edges and premature fine lines. Instead, I opted for imperfect, yet healthy, parenting, and this is why:
-
There is no such thing as a perfect mom/parent
Repeat after me: there is no perfect parent. There has never been, and never will be. Parenting is a process, which also means we are ALL learning, including the moms who are dealing with their fourth child and those who are just starting out. Different parenting approaches work for different families
Accepting this fact goes a long way in helping to deal with the normal ups and downs of parenting. I know it helped, and still does help me, on those days when mommy guilt overtakes me and I’m not sure what I’m doing any more.
-
You are not just a mom
I often hear the phrase: “Being a mom is my most important job”. I’d agree. I’d even go a step further, motherhood, and parenting in general, is a lifetime commitment. My maternal grandmother used to say: “Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems”. I can now see why…
However, we’re not just moms, despite it being so important in our lives. We’re also individuals with full personalities, particularities and lives, daughters, sisters, wives, friends, filled with divine potential and purpose. Developing all these parts of ourselves also helps us become the best, yet still imperfect, mothers we are.
-
Allow yourself room to grow (and teach your kids to grow as well)
Being an imperfect parent has lots of perks, one of which being that it allows you room to grow as a mom. It also allows you to teach your kids to grow with you. I’m always learning about better ways of parenting that are more aligned with who I am, which makes the entire process so much more exciting and rewarding! As I forgive myself for the mistakes I make, I can also teach my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes, and grow in the process too.
Maybe the best way to parent is to be more open, vulnerable, and imperfect. Maybe it’s less about teaching our kids who they should be, but showing them how they can be who they were created to be…
The Corporate Sis.
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Solange Lopes | Aug 7, 2018 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
As busy working moms, it can be challenging to nurture our marriages. Between raising children, breaking ceilings in our careers and businesses, not to mention dealing with the proverbial laundry and house chores (which we still do most of), nurturing your marriage can quickly be relegated to the end of your gigantic to-do list.
Seriously, who wants to plan romantic walks on the beach with your significant other when the kids can’t find underwear, you can’t find a babysitter, and both of you have MAJOR work meetings in the morning? How do you keep the romance (or any conversation) going when you’re checking your work email and planning to finish a report after dinner? And how can you nurture your special bond when you barely have time to have a real conversation?
As a working mom, I’m amazed at how fast time flies between home, work and life in general. Days turn into weeks which turn into months and years. Like many other working moms, I’ve had to stop and ask myself how to concretely make time for my marriage. Not just fit in whatever free minute I could save here and there, even if half-asleep.
While it still is a struggle, there are a few ways to systematically nurture your marriage, in the midst of busy family and work demands:
-
Take care of YOU first
I remember a date night during which I broke down and admitted that I didn’t want to go on a date. Not because there was any particular issues (other than the usual “whose turn is it to wash the dishes”), but because I was exhausted. As a mom of toddlers at the time, I felt like the whole “getting pretty”/”looking human” pre-date process, along with the effort of keeping my eyelids open during dinner (and dessert), were additional to-do’s on my unending list. I felt bad for feeling this way, considering how hard it was to get babysitters, and guilty for being so crass to the hubby.
Yet, what I came to understand was that I was simply not taking care of myself enough to have anything left for my marriage. You just can’t give what you don’t have. In this case, you cannot give to someone else what you’re not first giving to yourself.
It became obvious to me that part of nurturing my marriage, actually the most important part, was to take care of myself first. It took me a while to figure out what that looks like for me and my particular circumstances. Sometimes, it’s simply reading a book, sitting quietly somewhere, or hanging out with girlfriends. Yet when I started doing it, I also started finding more energy, desire and strength to nurture my marriage. Kinda like the whole exercising to have more energy thing, don’t ask me how it works, but it does…
-
Be intentional about it
When you have a work deliverable due in the morning, the kids both have fever, and your hair hasn’t been washed in days, it’s hard to be intentional about anything, including marital bliss. After all, it takes work to nurture a relationship, especially a marriage. It requires attention, time, energy, availability, and the capacity to not fall asleep on your spouse sharing their career frustrations or long-term dreams. Yet, it’s necessary.
For me, it’s a matter of setting an intention for my relationship as often as I can, whether through prayer, journaling, or even just in thought. Nothing elaborate either. It’s a simple commitment to try and be more present in our marriages. No false lashes, perfect curls, or flat stomachs required. Just to be there, fully there…
-
Plan your schedule accordingly
I used to chuckle at couples who would actually plan out their dates and time together. While some room should be left for spontaneity, when you’re juggling the pressure of keeping your job, your sanity, and your kids on track, scheduling becomes a must. Yes, even for dates (or just alone bathroom time)…
And no, planning does not take the romance away. What it does take away is the stress of having to take the kids to a non-kid friendly restaurant as you wobble on your stilettos and body-con dress because it’s probably the only opportunity you’ll have to wear them…
-
Spend time away from the kids
As a self-proclaimed helicopter parent, I can proudly confirm that time away from the kids is not only necessary. It’s indispensable. There are only so many cartoons, and kiddie conversations one can have. You need adult conversations, and possibly beverages with pretty colors, albeit in moderation.
Here too, scheduling is key. Schedule some alone time, well in advance (as you may have to run a whole campaign to get anyone to agree to keep ALL of your kids for more than two minutes). The point is, give yourself permission to have this time alone to re-connect (or just sleep, in clean hotel sheets someone else will be washing the next day)…
-
Have honest, raw conversations
Whoever said happy couples don’t argue, please send me the memo I missed. Nurturing your marriage when you have so much to do you’re thankful your head is screwed on right (or you hope) also means being honest about:
- Things not working out
- Things being too busy
- Your or him not exactly being happy at the moment
- Your aversion to laundry, etc…
The point is, you can schedule all your dates, find the best babysitters, and jet-set to Phuket kids-free; yet if you’re not willing to face the ordinary, mundane times when even Netflix needs extra TLC, then “Houston we have a serious problem”. And yes, those are going to happen, more often than you think…
-
Respect your couple’s dynamics
Different couples have different dynamics. Which also means the whole #couplegoals hashtag is absolutely irrelevant. The same couple smiling on camera two minutes ago is probably now swapping choice words around who forgot to put gas in the car (not that I would know). But I digress…
As busy working moms, it’s even more important to understand and respect our own couple dynamics. Some couples are perfect spending the whole day apart and reuniting in the evening to share highlights of the day. Others send each other emoji-filled love notes every hour on the hour. Some have joint bank accounts, others are adamant about each person’s financial independence. Whatever your own couple dynamics is, get it, talk about it and respect it. Oh, and skip the #couplegoals posts on Instagram too…
-
Let go and start over
If relationships are filled with trial and error, then marriage is a whole obstacle course. When you add to it the ups and downs of careers, businesses, parenting, and uneven landscaping (some of us have different problems), it gets complicated. As a matter of fact, that’s what I tell myself pretty much daily: “It’s complicated…”
Nurturing your marriage as a busy working mom also means starting over, letting go of the mistakes and errors on the way, and doing it all over again. From trying to fit in date night in five years, to picking the right school district, not to mention changing jobs, being out of work, and having the ugliest front yard in the neighborhood, it’s a process. Allow it!
How do you nurture your marriage as a busy working mom?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sister.
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Solange Lopes | Jul 19, 2018 | PODCAST
Welcome to Episode 15 of the TCS Podcast: How to Survive the Summer Slump as a Working Woman
In this episode of The Corporate Sister podcast, I’m discussing how we, as working women and moms, can survive the summer slump, while still taking the time to recharge our batteries and be as productive as we can. Listen in!
Related:
Thanks for Listening!
Thanks so much for tuning in and listening to this week’s episode! If you enjoyed this week’s episode, please share it by using the social media at the bottom of this post!
Also, leave me a review for the TCS podcast on iTunes!
Got questions? Email me at corporate@thecorporatesister.com!
Finally, please don’t forget to subscribe on iTunes to get automatic updates!
Any feedback you’d like to share? Please leave a note in the comments section below!
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sister.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe:
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Solange Lopes | Jul 17, 2018 | Career, Working Mom & Woman Tips
There is no doubt that becoming a mom is a life-altering event. Your entire existence, from your schedule to your life plans, not to mention your surroundings, changes in the most drastic way. Nothing is ever the same again, in a good way. Not even your career…
I didn’t realize how much my independent life of an ambitious career woman would be thrown upside down before my babies came to the world. As much as I made sure to have the main logistical components covered, from the paint on the nursery to the babywear colors, there was still (and still is) a huge component that was left to chance, although I didn’t quite know it yet. As I sat in the doctor’s office a few weeks before each of my babies made their world entrance, I had specific plans laid out. How I was planning on giving birth, what I would do during my maternity leave, when I would return to work, my schedule after baby, etc….
Needless to say, nothing happened as planned, from emergency surgeries to being late for every doctor’s appointment thereafter. I still smile thinking about how little went according to plan, and how pretty much everything else just happened.
Yet what I wasn’t expecting as much was how motherhood was going to change my career in some of the deepest ways imaginable. It wasn’t until I left my first baby with the babysitter the first time around to head back to work after my maternity leave that the reality of this change started dawning on me. Months and years later, as I re-visited my perspective on work and what it meant to me, I could really grasp how much becoming a working mom had altered what work meant for me, mostly in these seven ways:
-
I started asking myself about the purpose of my work
After becoming a mom, and contemplating the smallness of pretty much everything around as compared to the miracle of carrying and nurturing life, I started thinking about Purpose more and more. One morning, Dear Daughter asked me: “Mommy, why do you go to work?” I stopped in my (already late) tracks, foundation brush in hand, wet wipe in the other, contemplating if I should answer and lose my job due to excessive lateness.
After this morning interlude, one question that kept popping in the back of my mind was: “Why do we get up every single day to do what we do?” Yes, bills have to get paid, and one must work in life. Yet, there has to be more to life and work than simply checking the career box and making money. As we raise children who look at what we do more than they listen to what we say, how important is it to us that what we do inspires them in a good way when we’re not even sure why we do it?
For months afterwards, my answer was something along the lines of “To take care of you and the house.” Yet her reply was always: “But why?” It prompted me to think about why I was doing what I was doing, besides paying the bills. Which is how this small question also prompted me, without me even knowing, to change my career path to writing and teaching, because that is my purpose.
-
It became important to teach my children about the meaning of work
Work occupies such an important part of our lives. From an early age on, I saw my mother work hard as a single mom, in and outside of the home. It was important to me to follow her example and build a successful career as well.
Yet, after having children, as they asked about the work we did as parents, it became important to share this part of ourselves with them. Growing up in conservative Senegal, West Africa, my parents never really told us much about work. It was just something you were supposed to do, along with taking daily showers and cleaning up after yourself. I didn’t really understand it, or questioned it, until I started working myself and the unanswered questions turned into personal and professional dilemmas.
As a parent, I make it a point to open the lines of communication with my children as a way to bond and share more with them. When it came to the question of work and career, interestingly enough, I didn’t know what to tell them. This is where I started re-evaluating my own understanding of my career and what it really meant for me. Only by understanding it better myself, could I share this meaning with them. It also forced me to make changes to the way I viewed my work, and the direction of my career path.
-
Being fulfilled became more important than making money
Growing up in a single-parent family, it’s always been important for me to have financial security. While my mom was a hard worker and we never lacked of anything, I understood earlier on that the line between having and not having can be really thin. I made it a priority to always be financially secure as a woman, which directed me towards a career in finance and accounting. Making money and achieving financial freedom as I started my career was more important than getting married or even starting a family.
Fast-forward a few years, and motherhood managed to turn my priorities upside down. While financial security is still important to me, fulfillment takes a front seat. It became obvious that lack of fulfillment in my work would negatively impact me as an individual and a mom. That’s when being fulfilled and joyful in my work beat any amount of zeros on that bi-weekly paycheck…
-
I had permission to chase my dreams
As I speak to many moms around me, it seemed as if motherhood is the signal to stop living for ourselves. Somehow, after becoming moms, it seems we ought to give up on our individuality and stop chasing our dreams to dedicate ourselves entirely to the task of raising our children. I was tempted to buy into it as well….
Until I remembered that you cannot give what you don’t have. How could I as a mom, give my kids the hope, joy, ambition and anticipation of going after their dreams if I abdicated mine? How would I explain to them someday that I didn’t live the life I wanted to because of them? Way to make them feel falsely indebted as opposed to joyfully equipped….
Interestingly enough, it wasn’t until I had children that I gave myself full permission to chase my dreams. Not just because I owed it to myself (because we do), but also because I owe it to them to at least try…
-
The goal is more freedom
The first time I dropped off my baby at the babysitter’s to head to work post-maternity leave, one word popped into my mind: “Freedom”. In that case, the lack thereof. Like so many moms out there, I didn’t exactly have a choice. While many of us can now negotiate phased-in returns from maternity leaves and even work for home longer, most of us are not in a position to choose.
That’s when the pursuit of time and space freedom became a priority for me. Flexibility was now so much more important, and had to become a major part of any career I would be in. The goal became to create more freedom in my work, not just money or advancement.
-
Being the best version of myself became crucial
I’ve secretly already planned Dear Daughter and Dear Son’s wedding, locale, outfits and all. Ok, I may be over-exaggerating, or maybe not. The point is, becoming a mother also made me gasp at the thought of missing my babies’ milestones. For someone who only got gym memberships because the exercise outfits were cute, and would rather go for a root canal than doing a set of abs, becoming the healthiest and most present version of myself was scary at first.
Even more than exercising and breaking up with bread and cheese, it also meant doing my best and most fulfilling work. Which also translated into letting go of so much professional stress, re-directing my work in a way that allowed me to be present, healthy, grateful and, ultimately, happy!
-
Leaving a legacy is key
One of my favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 13:22 “A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children.” As moms, and parents in general, most of us work to leave a legacy to our families, whether in monetary form, examples or memories.
Considering how much work occupies our existences, it forces us to think about the legacy we’re leaving our kids when it comes to our careers. What are we teaching them about work? What are not teaching them that we should? How are we impacting the important work they will be doing? It certainly pushed me to consider what I was leaving my babies to ponder upon when it came to work and careers, of which the most important: “To do work with purpose on purpose, and lead by serving.”
How has motherhood changed your career?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sis.
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Solange Lopes | Jun 22, 2018 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
For many, if not most of us, summer equates with travel time. From weekend getaways with the family to girl trips, it’s a great time for working moms to get their relaxing on and spend precious quality time with family and friends. It’s also a time that can be quite expensive, because, well…traveling costs money.
Although I look forward to summer, I’m careful to be smart about budgeting my expenses as it often turns out to be the most expensive time of year for our family. Between summer camps, impromptu outings and trips, vacation and summer events, it’s easy to lose track of your budget, especially as a working mom. By the time my little ones bribe me into buying them ice cream every other day, and all the mini-trips to keep them entertained, I’m checking into my budget in sheer disbelief.
If you’re a working mom who likes to keep the reins on your summer spending without having to sacrifice all the summer fun, here are a few tips you may find useful:
-
Search for the lowest flight and hotel rates with comparison sites
Repeat after me: I will never pay full-price for another flight or hotel again! When you add to it your two or three (or more) little ones paying full-price only to end up on your lap, you realize how important it is to save money on your flight prices.
Use comparison sites such as Trip Advisor, or Pricelineare great for finding reasonabley priced flights. Other well-known comparison sites include Hotwire, Cheap Flights, as well as Trip Advisorand Expedia. CheapOAirand Travelocityare also some of my favorites.
-
Take up road-tripping
As a non-adventurous mom, I never thought going on road trips would be remotely fun for me. However, after being coerced into a car with two little humans, I have to admit it can be quite the interesting adventure. It allows the entire family to experience various areas, cities and states, while still being able to observe pit stops and go at a reasonable pace.
I would advise taking advantage of some amazing car rental rates to save money on road trips. Companies such as Dollar Rent-a-carand Thriftyare reasonable options price-wise.
-
Save on transportation costs with Uber
When visiting a city, take advantage of the low prices and convenience of Uber. It has become my transportation of choice when I travel, as I can find Uber drivers pretty much anymore. There are many cost-effective options available, from being in an Uber pool with other riders to more exclusive ridership options.
-
Stay at an Airbnb
If you don’t want to pay hotel rates, how about considering the Airbnb option? These accomodations are rented out by their owners and usually come at a less expensive price than regular hotel rates.
Besides, it’s fun to visit a place by staying in a local home and experiencing what living like a local feels like.
-
Cruise it up
If you don’t want to fly anywhere, cruises can be a good, and less pricey alternative. With the cost of flights constantly increasing and no longer including certain amenities such as snacks, meals, or Wifi, cruises end up being more economical.
Companies such as Princess Cruiseshave a strong reputation for fun and price-conscious cruises. Sightseeing cruises provided by companies such as City Cruises are also economical and fun to experience.
-
Use credit cards for travelers
There are many cards that offer numerous travel advantages. However, as a working mom, there are some in particular that are best for traveling families because of the great rewards they offer.
I particularly like the low-fee cards such as the Capital One Venture One Rewards card which keep your annual fees low. In addition, these cards tend to also offer access to car rental and accident protection, as well as emergency travel assistance.
Another good option consists in branded airline and hotel credit cards. These allow you to accrue points based on your mileage, which can even end up getting you some free trips. A popular one is the Gold Delta Sky Miles credit card.
-
Travel during off-peak seasons
Costs can creep up pretty significantly as the family grows. This is why it may be more beneficial for families to make travel arrangements during off-peak seasons. The prices tend to be more affordable then, and there tend to be less crowds as well.
Another option is to purchase your tickets well in advance to lock the best prices. The longer you wait, the more the prices creep up.
-
Check rates around 4:30pm EST on Tuesdays
Interestingly enough, it appears that rates tend to be lower on Tuesdays at 4:30pm. Many customers report paying significantly lower prices for flights and other travel accomodations then. In any case, it’s good to check on the fluctuation of prices often so as to catch any decrease in rates.
-
Pack snacks and food
You can never go wrong packing your own snacks and food, especially as you travel with kids. Having fruits, vegetables, and other healthy foods on hand will save you lots of money (and time) on the road (or in the air). You can easily spend hundreds of dollars on fast-food and other snacks as you travel if you don’t take earlier precautions.
-
Take cash with you
In general, taking physical cash helps curb excessive spending, especially when surrounded by children asking for the next snack or toy around. As you’re traveling, make sure to carry cash with you. This will not only serve in case of emergencies, but also to limit your expenses to what you have on hand.
Over to you: What are your best tips to save money on travel as a working mom?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sister
Like this:
Like Loading...
