I’ve been impatiently waiting to see “Bad Moms“, and yesterday finally grabbed my sis-in-law, kissed the hubby and kids good-night, and headed straight for a movie treat. And what a treat it was!
This hilarious yet sentimental comedy had me laughing, tearing up, and leaving most of my “mommy guilt” on the movie theater seat. I said most of it, still gotta worry about some stuff after all…
Think of it as the mommy/female version of the Hangover movie. A comedy aimed at destroying the gender stereotype of smother mothers everywhere. You know the mothers I’m talking about…The ones who spend hours making their babies’ homemade foods only to give you the side eye when you pop your store-bought jars of pureed carrots from your stained diaper bag. Or the ones who raise their eyebrows when you don’t volunteer for at least two extra-curricular activities, or bring non-homemade goodies to the school’s bake sale…
In “Bad Moms”, Amy, a devoted 32-year-old working mom to her two kids, bends over backwards to emulate that stereotype. So she runs from kids’ drop-offs to annoying work meeting, then to two-hour-long PTA meetings and unending bake sales…all the while her husband’s cheating on her and she’s nearing a mental breakdown. Until the day she decides enough is enough, and goes on a “bad mom” trip…And the rest is an artfully orchestrated sequence of funny, inspirational and at times downright emotional, yet oh so real moments…
I loved watching Amy (played by the amazing Mila Kunis), as the “good mom gone bad”, put her childish, cheating husband out and decide to stop coddling her kids so much, so she can have a real life. The neurotic, “doormat mom” Kiki (played by Kristen Bell) had me jumping off my seat when she told her hubby to figure out how to care for their kids on his own. And the overly sexed-up, hilarious Carla (Kathryn Hahn) had me in stitches as she sought to make out with pretty much anything reminiscent of a male sexual organ, while unapologetically being her own kind of “bad mom”.
The thing is, I could find myself in each and every one of these women. I, and most moms out there, have been there. Trying to fit in the annoying work meeting with the kids’ pickup schedule. Bringing store-bought brownies to the bake sale (albeit on a beautiful platter, pretending they just came out of the oven). Saying yes to the school PTA meeting when all you really want is go home and lay down. We’ve also been on the other side of the spectrum too, obsessing over every detail, and checking to make sure the baby’s diapers are bio-degradable. Or just skipping that last diaper change, giving hurried instructions to the babysitter so we could enjoy a night out with the girls.
I know I have…And I know I’m not the only one. It still stings a bit when I remember this fellow mom bragging about what an honor it is to give birth “naturally”, after I had just delivered my first baby via emergency C-section. Or the unsolicited advice from other women about pretty much everything from how to feed your kid to how much time you should spend with them…And the silent shame and guilt at being an ambitious working mom hustling for my dreams, instead of focusing every single minute of every waking day to my kids…Feeling like I had to get it (and keep it) together, at work, at the kids’ school, on the playground, or as I try to pee alone. Exhausting! Utterly, definitely, unbelievably exhausting!
Being a mom has never been so hard as it is today. In our ultra-connected, social-media driven society where our kids are over scheduled, over-stimulated, and frankly over-spoiled, we feel the need to do it all, and do it all perfectly all the time. To be the mom who takes her kids to all the swim meets and piano lessons and soccer games, while making sure their school projects are the best, that they eat enough protein and look perfect on every Instagram picture. Truth is, that seemingly perfect mom, is so tired she falls asleep as soon as she sits down somewhere, and has to buy extra packages of concealer to make it through a regular workday. No wonder she doesn’t exactly think about sex (unless it’s scheduled ahead of time) or still wears her mom bra from her last pregnancy five years ago…
Bottom line: none of us is perfect, and none of us is a perfect mom. And it felt so good to see our fears, awkward, happy and crazy mommy moments translated on-screen in such a simple yet personal way. It felt so good to just kick my heels and for once, stop blaming myself for not being like the next mom. To just laugh at the mistakes, celebrate the good, and accept that there’s a “bad mom” in all of us, and that it’s OK.
I stepped out of the movie theater with a pep in my step, a fresh swipe of my Revlon lipstick bought on sale earlier, and a newfound appreciation for the woman inside. I can’t guarantee I won’t be late for the kids’ pickup next week, but what I’m sure of is, I’ll never look at myself the same again. Or at any other mom out there. We’re all doing the best we can, and that’s a heck of a lot already…
So for today, I’ll just enjoy being a “bad mom” and skipping the laundry…and the dishes too…Oh and by the way, we’re ordering out….
And if you’re still on the fence, check out the official trailer here:
PS: Shoutout to all the “bad moms” out there, you rock!
So the other day, as we were discussing prospective plans for Father’s Day, I got to asking Dear Hubby a few questions about being a working dad.
“Honey, how does it feel to be a working dad?”
“What do you mean? I work and I’m a dad!”
“Yeah, but, do you feel like you’re stretched thin between your commitments at work and at home? Do you ever feel like you’re in over your head and you just need a break to breathe sometimes?”
“Uuuuhhh… you mean, me or you?”
As you can tell, our conversation didn’t go very far…The more I kept asking what I thought were more and more probing, deep questions about the “human state of being a working dad”, the more Dear Hubby kept looking at me in total bewilderment. And the more passionate I got about transferring my own emotions and frustrations as a working mom onto him, the quieter he got…Hindsight being 20/20, I bet you my morning coffee he must’ve tuned me out by about the second question…
It soon became hilariously obvious that I was transposing my own reality as a professional mom onto this poor guy, who was just trying to have his coffee in peace, and maybe down another piece of organic waffle swimming in full-fat Aunt Jemima syrup…
It’s tough being a working dad (the non-laundry-adverse kind) in a world of working moms…On one hand, you’re praised for loading the laundry machine and earning a decent paycheck (albeit not at the same time), and on the other, you’re scrutinized for not having it as tough as the moms out there. Never mind when you get to work, and have to tread carefully with your female colleagues and bosses not to get caught under that glass ceiling that’s about to get smashed any day now…
Of course, the statistics are here to prove the facts we all know. According to the Pew Research Center, even in homes where both parents work, and where quality time and discipline are shared equally between these, scheduling and sick days still fall on the mother. Additionally, “working moms are more likely than dads to say parenting has interfered with their career progress”. Yet, what’s interesting to see through these stats, is that all in all, both working parents feel the pinch of time spent with the kids, with over 50% of working dads wishing they’s have more time with their little ones.
All humor and stats aside though, as I looked over at my husband, I felt a pinch of inner guilt as I considered all the times I came home from work and let the poor dude have it…About how hard it is to be the only woman in the room…Or how tough women have it, from carrying a baby 9 months to buying all these stretch mark oils to the gender gap and not even being able to wear flats at work once in a while…All the while he was cooking dinner, giving the kids a bath, and pouring me some Pinot Noir…
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a mea culpa for working moms towards the dads in their lives…Neither is it an absolution from doing the laundry, washing the dishes, or changing diapers in their favorite suit and tie…What this is, is a recognition that somewhere in between the confidence gap, the gender gap, and all these gaps society has created for women in and out of work, there are also those amazing spaces filled by loving, hard-working, and non-laundry-adverse working men out there…
I should know…I was raised by a single mom, with no dad in sight for the majority of my life…Until I had babies of my own, I didn’t know what a man who’d participate at work and at home, remotely looked like. As a very early feminist and advocate for women, I followed in my mom’s footsteps, and decided to do it on my own. All of it, the work stuff, the house stuff, the bills stuff, the kids stuff, all of it…
Except life has an interesting way of making you look outside of yourself, and in the midst of that struggle you’re in, make you acknowledge you’re not alone in the battle for clean underwear and sleep equality…So for all the non-laundry-adverse, bath-giving, Pinot-Noir-pouring, loving working dads out there, here’s a heartfelt confession and a sweet token of appreciation…
Which you may redeem for a no-laundry pass this week only (please note that it expires on Father’s Day, after which you’d be solely responsible for clean underwear —or the lack thereof)….
PS: Here’s to my favorite working dad in the world, the hubby Walter!
I remember returning to work after maternity leave for my first and second baby, being lost and trying to find my marks for weeks. Dealing with the emotional and physical pressure at home, and the mental upheaval at work. After missing so many months at work, there was so much catching up to do. Even as my mind was still reconciling the change in circumstances, when my heart was longing for my fuzzy-haired babies, and my body was juggling the two as I struggled to pump enough milk while reading the quarterly report at work.
This is the dilemma for many moms returning to work after baby. How to adjust to this life change, while still showing ourselves as competent, competitive and ready to shatter that glass ceiling all the while pumping adequate amounts of milk? And how to even expect our male-dominated workplaces to understand what it means to go through the experience of making another human being and emerging as a totally different human being?
While we may expect companies and management to help us through this transition, truth is, we have to do the bulk of the understanding, and the working, and the making peace with all the milk and diapers and quarterly reports mess. And if you’ve been in the same situation, you know all too well what it feels like..
And sometimes, many times actually, we learn more from what not to do, than from what to do. And after breaking my own records of what not to do, in and outside of work, here are a few of my not-to’s for us ladies returning to work after maternity leave:
Don’t try and be SuperWoman! More than any other time, work after baby feels like having to be Superwoman, except instead of the cape, we have to make do with milk-stained blouses and haunting dark circles (hello waterproof concealer). After baby#1, I though I could come back to the professional life and do it all. Pump while taking the conference call. Get the house in tip-top shape, baby fed, bed made, all before heading out the door in the morning. The reality was, my expectations, more than anything else, drove me bonkers. In addition to having to comb my hair and apply my make-up in the office bathroom, I had to deal with the disappointing frustration of feeling that I was not enough. And of course, my work, and entire life, suffered. Take it one day at a time. Stepping out of the house fully clothed and with matching shoes is already a big accomplishment, acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can.
Don’t stay in your corner! After returning to work from maternity leave both times, I literally hibernated in my cube for a while. At the time, I thought this would be the best way to catch up and to find my marks. What ended up happening though, is that I failed to re-integrate the work environment as well as I could have. As a new mom back at work after baby, it’s easy (and somewhat normal at first) to stay in your corner and take some time to readjust. Yet, you want this transition period to be as short and swift as possible. Even if you’re still overwhelmed and uncomfortable the first few weeks, come out of your cube. Go meet and talk to people. Ask about changes that have happened in your absence. Do your own, subtle yet effective “after baby networking”. Better than catching up on email, it’s the fastest and most effective way to get yourself back in the groove of all work things. And it’s also the best way to show that you are indeed, back!
Ask for what you need!Many new moms fail to ask for what they need. What they really, desperately need. Instead, we try to do it all, and end up frustrated, unhappy, and paralyzed into inaction. After baby#2, our family schedule had changed, and I needed to be able to come in earlier so I could leave earlier to pick up both babies. Instead of asking for what a slight schedule adjustment, I would instead drive myself insane trying to leave a few minutes late and curse my way to the daycare. Not the most effective way to keep sane! Do you need to leave at 4:30pm to feed the baby? Ask for a more flexible work arrangement. Do you need to take an hour at lunch to pump? Check with your manager and block that time on your calendar. The better you are at asking for what you need in order to perform your job well, the better you’ll be able to fulfill your professional duties. And yes, there may be instances where the answer will be no! Yet you owe it to yourself to ask.
Don’t think of your circumstances as obstacles. I was speaking to a close friend earlier about her career progress. And what she said made me realize the sad truth for many moms returning to work after maternity leave. “I don’t think I’ll get the promotion. I’ve just had my second baby, and I’m sure I won’t even be considered for the job. They’ll probably think I won’t be committed enough, with all my family responsibilities and all…” So she didn’t go for the job…at first. Until her own husband pushed her to apply and go for it. And she did get it…This is a happy ending that may not happen in many other instances. Yet, way too often, we take ourselves out of the race mentally first. Thinking that we won’t be able to do the job. Or that “they” won’t consider us for it (who’s “they” anyways?). If you don’t think of your circumstances as obstacles, even if these look the part, chances are others won’t.
In summary, here are the no-no’s to absolutely avoid when coming back to work after baby, milk-stained shirts and sleepless nights galore:
Avoid the Superwoman trap at all costs!You can’t do it all, and you can’t please everyone. You’re not a plate of cheese!
Get out of that office, cube, or wherever else you may be hiding out after baby!Network your way back into the fold, show your face, and get back on track!
Put your needs out there! No more trying to beat traffic, or concoct excuses! If you need it, ask for it!
What’s happening to you is normal, it’s not an obstacle!Stop thinking of and presenting your circumstances as obstacles to your career advancement and progress! The more you learn to thrive in your circumstances, the more success you will attract your way!
What else would you suggest as a no-no for women returning to work after abby? Care to share your own story? Please chime in in the comments…
Before I even start ranting, let me add a disclaimer here: I believe all women are working women, whether we are professionals excelling at work or mothers raising kids at home (which by the way happens to be the toughest job on Earth).
Ok, now back to my rant…I remember after having my first child, in the first few weeks of the frazzled rest of my life, looking at childless women in the office almost with envy. Their perfectly manicured hands, rested looks and generally more relaxed appearance against my early foray into motherhood’s “Sorry” land. “Sorry I can’t make that meeting, gotta pick up the kids!” “Sorry I have to miss happy hour!” Sorry, sorry, sorry…
You know what I’m talking about, the feeling of being sub-par because all your childless colleagues can attend all the work’s social events, stay extra late at work, and be constantly available. Does this mean childless women at work are more successful than professional moms? I’d say, it depends on your definition of success. Yet, is there sometimes a subtle competition between moms and non-moms at work? Hmmm…
I’ve been on both sides of the fence. As a young, career-focused woman in Boston, spending my entire paycheck on rent and shoes (who needs food?), working late and never missing a happy hour. As a mom (even as a somewhat experienced mom), I miss my laundered shirts and 5-inch heels (and my waist too), and work is no longer number one. And I’m certainly not going to apologize for being a working mom.
All I can say is when it comes to moms and non-moms at work, success and struggle do go hand in hand…And whether we believe one group may have the upper hand on the other, at the end of the day, it’s really all up to your personal definition of success…
Do you ever feel like your week-ends are made of unending lists of to-do’s and deliverables of all kinds? I know I used to. Saturdays would start with the kids’ soccer practice, then cleaning the house, running errands and visiting family. Sundays would be a mad dash to church, followed by the grocery store, catching up on laundry and planning the week. Oh, and did I mention the birthday parties, kids’ playdates, and other social activities…By the time Sunday would roll around, I’d be wiped out…literally!
The end result is that so many of us end up at work on Mondays looking for our sanity and a clean coffee cup! This is only so we can start working on the weekly memo, catch up on email and tackle that gigantic work to-do list. No wonder so few of us working moms have the motivation to excel at work, when our week-ends are so whirlwinds of activities and chores!
Here are some quick ways we can start reversing the tide, and stopping our week-ends from ruining our careers (and sanity):
1. Quit spinning your wheels!
Ever felt like a hamster spinning on a wheel of unending tasks and chores on week-ends? Between running to the grocery store, (barely) making it to kids’ sports practice, rushing to the next kids’ birthday party (as you scramble for a pen to scribble on the party bag because you mixed up the birthday boy’s 2-year birthday card with your aunt’s 60th), it just NEVER ends! Yet what we don’t realize is that not only is there nothing fun about spinning one’s wheels, but ultimately it leaves us depleted, ineffective and highly annoyed! When it comes to being effective, at work or in life, quality trumps quantity, so please, stop spinning!
2. Use the work week!
I realized a while ago that if the work week is going to suck anyways, I might as well spare my week-ends! Translation: stop putting off all your chores and tasks to the week-end! Laundry backed up? Schedule one hour after the kids go to bed to tackle the monster during the week. Kids’ piano lesson on Saturdays at 9am? Can that be scheduled after work so you can have a normal Saturday morning again? Food shopping? Take the kids on a supermarket field trip in the middle of the week, and call it a day.
3. Party on Sundays!
While you may think of Sundays as your day to get a break, relax on the couch or catch up on laundry, you may actually be better off having a good ol’ time right before returning to work. So go ahead and host the kids’ birthday party on Sunday afternoon! Or join a few friends for some Sangria! Whatever you do, don’t sit there thinking about what a drag going back to work will be in a few hours!
Are your week-ends ruining your career? What are you doing about it?
So the other day, as we were discussing prospective plans for Father’s Day, I got to asking Dear Hubby a few questions about being a working dad.
I remember
