Working mothers are hitting a wall during and as we slowly emerge from this pandemic. Millions among them are exiting the doors of their hard-earned careers for lack of adequate childcare and support. Many more are silently caving under the pressure of wearing too many hats while still having to uphold the very fabric of our families and societal structures. In the midst of all this pressure, the very concept of mothering has been made incredibly more complex than ever, what with the forced necessity to homeschool children while in quarantine, the instability of schools, educational institutions and governments, and the ever-looming threat of economic precariousness, political volatility, and health scares…
The beautiful gift that is mothering has become fraught with uncertainty, pressures and distractions of all kinds, from social media debates on the validity of vaccines to the need to do it all for our children, families and careers without ever skipping a beat…The result? Working mothers are exhausted. Not from the exhaustion that requires a day (or a month) off, or a nice vacation in a far-away tropical location with exotic beaches and strong cocktails…Rather, working moms are in dire need of a simplified, more balanced, less mentally, physically and emotionally tyrannical idea of what parenting ought to be in the 21st century…An idea that demands re-imagining the concept of motherhood down to its essential basics, rather than up to unattainable ideals of performance.
How do we re-imagine, then, a simpler idea of working motherhood than the one we’ve been grappling with for the past 18 months, and frankly, for years before that?
The first step here is admitting to ourselves that we’ve pushed ourselves, often through no or little fault of our own, way past the brink of over-exhaustion. In sometimes desperate attempts to prove we can have it all, so many of us have, consciously or not, subscribed to an elusive idea of performative motherhood anchored in perfectionism, guilt and laced with heavy hints of imposter syndrome.
The second step is to realize at the end of the day that although we can have it all, we can’t have it all at the same time…That everything is a trade-off… That some seasons might have us trade our purpose and fulfillment for our families, while others may have us stepping on the gas of our calling as our little ones learn to fly off the nest on their own…That all in all, even as we may count some as losses and others as gains, nothing is wasted in the building of the unique mothers birthed and grown out of our unique experiences and callings…
Last but not least, simplifying the idea of modern motherhood requires us to make peace with and embrace the uncertainty and change that are not only at the core of motherhood, but has also been our reality for the past 18 months. Understanding that change is the only constant, especially as working moms navigating a precarious global health crisis, not only helps us keep our sanity; but also helps us model a nimbler, more flexible and adaptable way of working and living.
Are you re-inventing a simplified approach to work and life?
If you are a working mom yourself, the mental load involved in running a household and caring for children is no surprise to you by now. Truth is, many working moms feel quite alone carrying this invisible load, as their partner and society at large are often blissfully unaware, or unwilling to acknowledge, the strain they are under on a near-constant basis.
What does this invisible mental load look like? On any day, it may go from having to remember the kids’ doctor appointments, activities, grocery lists, clean (or not so clean) laundry, to having to improvise when a child is sick or an emergency presents itself. This is on top of holding a full-time job, trying to advance one’s career, caring for family and relatives, and attempting to be a decent human being overall. No wonder so many working moms end up feeling drained, exhausted, and resentful at the end of the day…
This mental load is also part of the reason why many working moms are not able to achieve their full potential, losing the race towards their purpose before it even starts. It also certainly has contributed to the working mom exodus we’ve witnessed during the COVID-19 pandemic. The unequal distribution of this mental load, along with its physical baggage of household chores, childcare and elderly care, is no longer sustainable in families increasingly relying on two incomes. Neither is it sustainable in a society where women constitute half or more of the population, and play a crucial role at all levels, including socially, economically, and politically.
Protecting working moms and their potential then requires equalizing the mental load between household partners. This is no easy feat, as the structural, societal, political and economical structures we’ve been socialized in, and are still living, heavily contribute in perpetuating it. In some instances, crises such as the COVID-19 pandemic tend to even accentuate it. There is no doubt then that equalizing the mental load between partners is more of a process of undoing archaic systems, beliefs and behaviors ingrained in individuals, communities and organizations for centuries. These are antiquated systems even we, as working moms, still adhere to and often unconsciously co-sign and perpetuate to our own detriment. However, it’s also a process that can reap so much fruitful progress, finally opening the door to working moms’ potential, and changing the narrative for so many little girls and boys watching their own mothers for cues for the future.
Here are a few ways to get started:
Acknowledge your own invisible mental load and beliefs
Many, if not most working moms do not acknowledge their invisible mental load until it’s almost too late and they’re too angry to get past it. Don’t get me wrong, in most instances, the anger is justified. So is the sheer exhaustion and pain hiding behind it. This is where acknowledging in an honest, concrete and pragmatic way the actual weight, impact and effect of this load come into play.
It’s hard to understand the true extent and impact of it until one takes a good, hard look at what life really is like on a day-to-day basis. It may be a matter of making a list of all the demands on one’s time on a day-to-day basis, and concretely make an honest assessment. The latter also requires honestly assessing the role one plays in carrying, even hoarding this mental load, as we often unconsciously subject ourselves to it for fear of stepping away from the “norm” as we’ve always known it.
Have an honest conversation with your partner
This may be the most challenging part by far in this process of equalizing the invisible mental load in one’s partnership. Making someone else see and perceive the heaviness of your experience, especially the parts of it that are not readily apparent to others, is no easy feat. Considering how traditional gender roles have been constructed over time, it can be even harder to challenge the status quo and preconceived notions.
Implement a process
The most effective way to tackle equalizing the invisible mental load as partners is to implement a proactive, concrete plan. Just talking about it is barely enough. Instead, getting deep into the nitty-gritty of daily tasks, concerns and questions is crucial. This may be a matter of designating who’s responsible for making and keeping appointments, who makes the phone calls, or who picks up and drops off on what days…Ideally, the distribution of tasks and responsibilities would align with each partner’s areas of strength and what they enjoy doing, so they can actually keep doing it for as long as possible.
Check in and recalibrate periodically
Processes are not infallible. Processes that challenge what most of us have been accustomed to from infancy are even less infallible. So many working moms report attempting to equalize the invisible mental load with their partners, only for things to return to the unsustainable normal it was before. This is why it’s so important to check in with each other, and re-calibrate as often as possible.
All in all, equalizing the invisible mental load for working moms is not only necessary, but it should be a priority for working moms, partnerships, and society in general to thrive. As life gets increasingly complex, it’s becoming a matter of survival for families, and an imperative in raising well-balanced children.
There are moments as a working mom when overwhelm just takes over, and you realize the boundaries between work and life have been significantly blurred. While work-life balance is but an elusive ideal, unclear or blurred boundaries between your career and life can spell havoc over your entire existence. This is when resetting your work-life boundaries is absolutely necessary.
For most working women, the COVID-19 pandemic has been a significant turning point in their careers and lives. I know it has definitely been for me…Plagued with the brunt of the pandemic’s weight in terms of household chores and work demands, overcome with the mental weight of a global human and economic crisis, mothers have had to (and still have to) pay a dear price. As a matter of fact, close to five million jobs were lost to American women back in December 2020out of sheer overwhelm and the need to care for their families and loved ones. Now more than ever, work-life boundaries are not only essential, they’re indispensable for working mothers.
Yet, what does re-setting your boundaries, any boundaries at all for that matter, look like in a constantly evolving world with an uncertain future? What does it look like to draw a line in the sand when you’re a working mother juggling s many drawing sticks in the air? Which one do you put down? Which one do you pick up? Where do you draw the line? This is the incessant, heavy dilemma so many moms deal with, aggravated by the advent of a reformative pandemic and a shifting world. This is also where traditional, time-oriented, rigid boundaries, no longer work. Instead, the next normal we’re stepping into is requiring flexible, adaptive boundaries with the potential of shifting and expanding us, rather than constricting, limiting separating walls ridden with the anxiety and the frustration of motherly guilt:
Set a strong intention first.
The process of setting boundaries is usually approached merely as a mechanical endeavor consisting of separating tasks, obligations and commitments. Often, this is done without much thought or appreciation for the genuine intention (or the lack thereof) behind it. As a result, similar to New Year’s resolutions, these boundaries end up only surviving for a limited time, quickly replaced by the status quo in one way or another. Setting a strong intention by questioning the “why” of your decision first can instead create a longer lasting impact, turning an otherwise mechanical process into a flexible and malleable concept filled with meaning and purpose.
Define what your own work-life boundaries look like
So much has been said and written about the proverbial “work-life balance” that it has come to represent a blanket set of ideas around what work-life boundaries truly are. However, the reality is, every working mother’s work-life boundaries are unique. As each working mom has her own vision of living, parenting and working, this vision permeates the very meaning, extent and impact of her own boundaries. This is especially relevant in this post-pandemic era when many, if not most women are redefining what their lives and work mean, and what success, fulfillment and happiness look like to them on a daily basis. This is why subscribing to a general and falsely popular idea of work-life boundaries or balance can be detrimental. Instead, taking some time to reflect on what your ideal day, life and work look like, can prompt you to define the best, clearest and most practical boundaries for yourself and your environment.
Create a flexible routine of your own
This is where action meets intention, and where the true challenge of setting boundaries lie. It’s in the implementation and enforcing of one’s boundaries that many obstacles and challenges come to the forefront, highlighting areas to work on and constant improvements to be made. Working mothers, more than anyone else, are keenly aware of the beautiful pressure of juggling life and work, career and parenting, reports and laundry. This is where not just creating a routine, but crafting an adaptive, flexible approach, can pay immense dividends over time. For some, it may mean a different allocation of time and space. For others, it may entail hard conversations, difficult decisions, and renewed commitments. For most, it’s a hodgepodge of personal, professional, spiritual, and psychological elements, presenting new, exhilarating discoveries about oneself and one’s environment, highlighting new challenges, and overall creating new opportunities to grow and evolve.
All in all, being a working mother is a beautiful journey of becoming, growing, and juggling. It’s also one whose very beauty and integrity lie in the in-between creases of life, work and everything in between. The work then, the challenging yet uplifting work, is in constantly ironing these creases, setting and re-setting the boundaries that keep us thriving, growing and evolving in the fullness of all we are.
If you spend the majority of your time at work, it’s safe to say your career definitely has an impact on your life. Even if you’re working reduced hours or part-time, the quality of the hours spent working is bound to have an indelible effect on you. This is especially true if you’re a working woman and/or mom, as you may already handle the mental and emotional toll from all the other areas of your life, including motherhood, marriage, and caregiving, just to cite a few…Considering more women tend to be more prone to depression and other mental health conditions, a career that exacerbates the latter could literally turn deadly…Does this mean women may have to choose between work and mental health?
Research shows 18% of employees aged 15 to 54 report symptoms of mental health troubles. However, due to the stigma attached to mental health issues, there may be a general reluctance by employees to admit to these or seek treatment. Furthermore, mental health disorders tend to be concealed in the workplace for fear of retaliation or judgment, when they’re not flat-out overlooked. Among these mental health disorders, depression is prevalent and affects more women than men, at a rate of eight women for each man affected. Other disorders such as anxiety, sexual trauma-related PTSD and bipolar disorder also tend to affect more women, or have different effects on them. Married women particularly appear to be more at risk for mental illnesses, mostly stemming from husbands’ negative reactions to their partners’ paid work and lacking participation in childcare.
The reality is, unless you have found a career aligned with your purpose, schedule and values, or are striving to build one, your career may be undermining your mental health. Even if and when you are fortunate enough to work in a career you love, there may still be societal, relational and other ramifications of it, from the backlash effect suffered by women who dare to go against traditional gender norms, to the stigma often plaguing working women and moms.
While some of the threats to your mental health may be directly related to your work and professional environment, many other factors, including your mental load, your childcare and caregiving responsibilities, your family and personal environment may also play an important role in literally destroying your mental health.
What then is the alternative for working women and moms? Is it to give up on the prospect of purposeful professional fulfillment and settle for less? Or is it to brave numerous and sometimes unforgiving career obstacles seeping into our personal lives at the high cost of our mental health and balance? I don’t believe there is an “either or” answer to these questions. What there is, is the reality of the purposeful battle for gender equity in and outside of the workplace, and that of the heated, century-long opposition against us. In the midst of it all, stands the flaming hope that the many women’s (and men’s) voices loudly and blazingly uncovering this brewing female mental health crisis will succeed at awakening the dormant public consciousness to the mental plight of working women and moms.
In the meantime, we shall keep sounding the alarm, loudly, unapologetically, relentlessly…
Disclaimed: Please note this is a sponsored post. I may be compensated if you use the links in this post to make a purchase. Thank you for reading!
If you’re a working mom, and have ever gotten home after work, and stood in front of the fridge wondering what in the world of nutritious and tasty meals you could whip up in about 30 minutes, you’re certainly not alone…I’ve certainly been there, especially considering that I’m not the most creative or skilled cook out there…
I remember running to pick up the kids after work, only to face terrible traffic with cranky little ones in the back of the car, sometimes running to extracurricular activities and sports before getting home. This was all to get home just a short couple of hours or less before bed time, and squeeze family time, dinner, bath and bed time in a record amount of time. As African immigrants whose traditional recipes tend to be quite elaborate, cooking can be quite time-consuming.
According to this U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics survey, women tend to handle the bulk of grocery shopping and cooking in the household. As a matter of fact, mothers are the household members usually in charge of meal preparation, compared to only 19% of men preparing meals. On average, moms spend 68 minutes a day cooking meals, as compared to 23 minutes for dads. This pattern is consistent among both households with children and childless couples.
As working moms, getting good food on the table on a daily basis while juggling work, house chores, administrative tasks and healthy relationships, not to mention our own self-care, is certainly an exercise in flexibility, resilience and creativity. Even for the most efficient of moms and parents our there, daily meal freshness is not always possible, as we can be tempted to batch otherwise healthy meals to save time and maintain some level of a sane schedule. As a result, mealtime can often turn into a stressful time, instead of allowing for the fun of togetherness and healthy nutrition. Considering how limited the time we spend together as working families is, reclaiming meal time is essential.
This is where Yumble Kids comes in. Created by Joanna Parker, a mom of three who, like the rest of us, understands the pressure of spending hours every day planning and cooking healthy and delicious meals for our kids. Like so many among us, she understood perfection as a mom is not only impossible, but unnecessary. So she came up with a solution. Nutritious, delicious and ready-to-heat and eat meal choices requiring zero cooking but making possible lots more quality family time…
To do this, Yumble strives to deliver meals right to your doorstep that combine the freshness of regionally-sourced ingredients, the sustainability of 100% recyclable packaging, and the balance of healthy and yummy recipes…All this freshly delivered in a refrigerated box with a fun and engaging packaging…Speaking of fun, Yumble also goes above and beyond by sending out kid-approved activity extras, such as table topics and sticker sheets so the whole family can be entertained…
The best part? All the meal subscriptions are flexible, so you can order when you need to, and cancel or snooze too. The prices are quite reasonable, ranging from $7.99 a meal for 6 meals a week, to $5.99 a meal for 12 meals a week. You basically select a plan based on the number of meals desired, and your kids can choose from the weekly menu. The food is cooked and delivered to your doorstep every week. All you have to do? Refrigerate and heat for 90 to 120 seconds before serving.
I have to say, my kids loved the options available, and so did I. Who here does not eat their kids’ food, seriously? Our favorites as a family include the Creamy Mac and Trees (mac’n cheese and broccoli), the Vegetarian Bean Burrito and the Cheesy Veggie Casserole.
Overall, we enjoyed the delicious and nutritious meals, and the break it gave us from having to come up with good, healthy and fresh food every day. While as a family, we will still be cooking at home and bonding over our traditional African recipes, mostly on weekends and holidays when we have more time, we definitely welcome the yummy break and extra quality meal time during otherwise packed weekdays…
