I remember coming home with my first baby, not having a single idea how I was going to care for this new life. I had all these gigantic, larger-than-life expectations about what I could, and would, be doing as a new mom. Little did I realized that as a working, I would have to re-calibrate most, if not all, of these expectations I had for myself.
Fast-forward almost 10 years later, and my definition of motherhood, as well as my intentions, goals and expectations have drastically changed. For the better, I have to say. I’ve learnt to stop holding myself to impossible standards, such as reading to my babies every single night, or feeding them home-cooked meals every single day. I’ve also given up on comparing my mothering style to that of other women, constantly questioning whether I was doing a good or totally lousy job at it. All in all, I finally made peace with re-defining motherhood as my own brand of working mother, minus the guilt, false beliefs, and the crushing weight of society’s opinions.
Being working moms has absolutely pushed the boundaries of what motherhood has always meant for women and society alike. As working mothers, we’ve had to couple our own unrealistic expectations with that of the world around us, while still striving to shatter glass ceilings and brick walls in the same breath. Then we’ve started wondering why we never quite feel satisfied, bathing instead in a constant cloud of exhaustion and self-doubt. We’ve desperately tried to hold on to the sanctity of traditional motherhood, what with its perfectly ironed bed sheets, prepared meals, and sparkly-clean households. Except we’ve also managed to add to the mix unending to-do lists, corporate ladders and business board meetings. We’ve tried to lean in, only to realize that we were instead leaning out of alignment with ourselves. Now, many of us are slowly stepping back, re-evaluating our own definitions of what it truly means to be a working mother.
For me, redefining my own brand of motherhood has been quite the process, as I struggled, like so many other working moms, with fitting into the “perfect mother” box. From desperately attempting to make it to every soccer game, to minimizing fast-food trips, not to mention keeping up with the astronomical amount of laundry piling up at the speed of the light, I stretched beyond my own personal, physical and spiritual boundaries. Until I could no more… Until it was necessary to find a new name, a new system and some new sense to this thing called being a “working mom”…
This is what it meant for me, and what it may also mean for you, as you journey through your own process of re-defining motherhood for yourse:
- Learning to get the help we need:
As I spoke with many working moms around me, I realized how hard it can be for us to ask or get the help we need. Popular culture has turned supermoms and superwomen into such icons to be venerated and celebrated, that most of us have succumbed to the unrealistic call. In the process, we’ve forgotten that it’s ok to ask and get the help we need.
I know I had. Until I gave in and invited services like Blue Apron and HelloFresh into my life, freeing up both mine and dear hubby’s evenings and weekends by ordering out. Or until I made room in my budget to hire someone to help me with housework. I have to say, it took me some time not to feel guilty about what I considered then to be indulgences, but quickly realized were life and sanity-savers. Or to refrain from sharing this with friends and family, for fear of being judged. Without the pressure of having to do it all, I could finally do simple things like sit on the couch with my husband, actually play with my kids, and stop complaining about not getting a haircut in months, minus the guilt and sleepless nights…
- Being more present
Piling more on our to-do lists as working moms has also forced us to give up on being present, as partners, friends, sisters and mothers. There are not enough hours in a day, so we unconsciously do more and live less. We’ve traded in being fully present in our lives, for lists of accomplishments and shiny, photo-shopped pictures on Instagram.
I’m re-defining motherhood as a working mom as simply being, instead of getting lost in the illusion of constantly doing. Which may mean leaving the dishes unwashed in the sink to have a conversation with the kids, or make it on time to the school play. Or putting the phone down during my son’s soccer game, and letting business happen as it would. Or just sitting in silence with myself, instead of mentally searching for one more item to cross off my duty list.
- Investing in self-care
Self-care is not an indulgence. Let me repeat this again: self-care is not an indulgence. It’s an investment, one that requires of working moms to provide the effort, time and energy to pour into ourselves before, and because of our call to, pour into others.
I had wrongly defined motherhood as this unending roller-coaster of obligations and responsibilities, neglecting my own well-being. There was always something to do at home or at work, so there was no time to drop by the gym, read a book or hang out with the girls. How many of us negatively judge other working moms who take the time to exercise, have regular girls’ night out, or go back to school? Because shouldn’t motherhood be this sacrificial thing we dedicate ourselves entirely to, before trying to fit in everything (and everyone) else? Hence the myth of the frazzled mom escaping her life at Target on Saturday night….
I’m choosing instead to invest in the best version of myself so I can show up as the best individual, including the best mother, I can be. Which may mean re-arranging some priorities, freeing up some time, and putting my mask on before saving anybody else…
- Building a legacy
I choose to re-define being a working mom as investing in building a legacy, from making sure we have a reliable life insurance policy to following my dreams, building the business, rising in my career to having the courage to craft my will. These are things I wouldn’t have time to think about before, let alone tackle, because I would lose myself in all the minute details of parenting, from serving as dedicated chauffeur to shopping the latest kids’ designs.
Yet, if we only could release the pressure on ourselves and lift our heads from the smoke of day-to-day details, we might start asking ourselves questions such as: “What am I leaving my kids?”, or “What impact am I really having on my family?”.
Because being a working mom is not just about crossing all the T’s and dotting all the I’s of our over-packed existences, but building a legacy we can leave behind. Because our kids may not remember how sparkly clean the house was when they were growing up, but they may very well recall how their working mother invested in their college fund, starter her own business, or built her best career…
How are you re-defining motherhood as a working mom?
The Corporate Sister.
