Today my youngest (and probably last baby, did I say probably?) starts school. And even as the hardcore independent career woman and feminist I consider myself to be, it feels weird, to say the least.
As I dropped him off to his last day at daycare yesterday, my heart sank a little. I sat outside in my car for a minute, unable to turn the wheel and back up to drive towards work. I could relive the very day I dropped each one of my babies to daycare for the first time, to start on their journey towards independence. And to continue mine towards making peace with semi-constant worry and mommy guilt, even in the midst of so much joy and anticipation…
You think you’ve made peace with a lot of emotions as your kids grow, and suddenly you find yourself in the middle of new beginnings all over again. As they pack their first backpack, say good-bye to go to class, get their first report card…
Even though there’s still quite some ways for women to go in today’s world, we’re able to make so many choices in our lives. Choices to go after our own careers and dreams, pick our partners, live more of the lives we choose…Yet as you become a parent, most of these choices start being influenced in some way or another by the huge joy and responsibility to raise children.
In her masterpiece “The Awakened Family“, New York Times best-selling author Dr. Shefali Tsabary tells us that “many of us are unable to [raise children who are highly resilient and emotionally connected] because we are blinded by modern misconceptions of parenting and our own inner limitations”. The part of Dr. Tsabary’s message that struck me the most as I was watching her on Oprah’s Soul Sunday is that we must develop ourselves in order to help develop our children into the people they’re meant to be. Which also means that not only is it ok for us to go after our dreams and reach our higher selves, it also tremendously serves our children.
So we can turn all that mommy guilt as we drop off the kids to daycare or school, miss some milestones because we’re at work, or miss work because we’re taking in our childrens’ milestones, into the fire that propels us further and further in our lives and careers:
Their milestones are proof we’re growing too!
Now that I’m done crying behind my glasses after dropping off the little one to Pre-K, I can take a minute to stop and consider how much I’ve also grown as a parent and a woman. What we don’t often realize as parents is that many a times, our children help us grow more than we actually help them!
After raving about how my babies are growing too fast, it occurred to me that each one of their milestones has helped me develop as a person. That just having them inspires us to stretch and reach more of our potential. That every time they take a step, start school, get a great grade, or get bruised somehow by life, we learn something new by teaching them things we never even knew we knew.
Make the kids part of your growth!
For most of us, having kids changes our lives. For some, it can send our careers down the abyss, as this 2015 Women in the Workplace study reveals that “motherhood triggers assumptions that women are less competent and less committed to their careers”.
For others, it can mean renewed focus, energy and success. A research commissioned by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis has demonstrated that parents tend to be more productive. More parents develop skills and traits that make them better employees, while it’s noted that some parents are more ambitious after kids.
I’ve found that making the kids part of our growth as individuals, is a huge motivator to turn all the mommy guilt we may experience into more fuel for our fire. Over time, I’ve learnt to talk more to my babies about work, responsibility and learning as I experience it. To share with them more of my experiences, and let go of the guilt of not always being there in favor of the energy of shared growth…
It’s OK to let go!
This one is a “toughie”! Letting go is hard (I’m a Cancerian after all, we cling hard!). And letting go of the little human beings we’ve helped bring into this world, changed poopy diapers, and dropped off for their first day at school, is on a whole other “hard scale”…
I’ve clung to my own brand of career mommy guilt for as long as I could, until realizing it’s letting go that ultimately allows us to be more present. That it’s ok to show our kids that chasing your dreams is a part of life. That to be fully present, we must be filled with as much of our own fire as we can muster…
So here’s to my last baby going to school, to dropping (some of) that heavy mommy guilt, and instead turning it into more of that internal fire that makes us go over and beyond…
How are your turning your Mommy guilt into Mommy Fire?
With the whole “Back to School” in full swing, I’ve been seriously pondering the benefits of going to bed already fully dressed for the next workday. After all, it cuts down on picking an outfit (only to find out that stain from last week’s meeting’s still showing), switching said outfit twice, only to finally wear it backwards as you rush out the door…And before you wink in slight disgust, let’s all agree you could also use the extra time…
Such is the dilemma of working moms (and working parents in general), as the countdown to “Back to School” starts ticking louder and louder in our already over-scheduled ears. I mean, after work-free summer vacation breaks, longer, warmer days, (and shall I mention the occasional week-end margaritas and spicy mojitos), getting back into a routine that includes coercing non-collaborating children to hit the sack earlier and checking homework, sounds like sugar-free cake, really…
I don’t know about the rest of you overachiever Superwomen (and Wonderguys), but in my world, every Fall, I suffer from PSTD (Post-Summer Traumatic Syndrome). It usually manifests itself with an utter refusal to get out of bed, which results in deep morning confusion, late school tickets, and questionable “mommy hairstyles”.
So how do you hack your “back -to-school” schedule to keep from going to bed already fully dressed, and actually be productive instead? As in, not switching the kids’ lunches (or shoes or outfits), keeping from locking yourself outside in your bath robe, and actually keeping your day job…You know, the basic stuff…
These are some suggestions (some of which may or may not have been given by my now overachiever 7-year old to her dazed and confused mother):
Wake up earlier!
Yes, as in set the alarm clock for at least a half-hour earlier and put said alarm clock in a different room altogether! Or put some Krazy glue on the snooze button if that works better…Translation: trick yourself to have more time in the morning!
Although it’s been proven chronically late people (I may or may not be part of this select group of people) are creative and successful at best, truth is, we’re still late! As in so late you’re spilling your coffee on your last clean shirt on the way to the meeting a la Mila Kunis in Bad Moms, or just forgetting to pencil in your second eyebrow a la Yours Truly.
So at the risk of sounding slightly demented, I’ve been setting the alarm in my office, and resolved to wake up cursing out even morning on the way to shutting the doggone thing down. I may or may not be at my tenth alarm clock by now (no idea while they all end up crashing against the wall)…
Make time Trick Yourself to exercise!
Now you may be reading this, and silently calling me all kinds of inappropriate names…If there’s no time to even pencil in your second eyebrow, or snap your bra all the way (it may or may not have happened to the best of us), how in the hell world are you expected to make time to find your long-abandoned sneakers so you can sweat your freshly blown hair out and have to take yet another shower?
I won’t bore you with all the benefits of exercising, and blah blah blah…Yet, after many successful attempts at relying on my own natural stamina (and the support of carbs), I’ve failed miserably. To get energy, you must give away energy. It’s sweat equity for your life, like an investment on your day-to-day productivity.
The good news is, you can hack your schedule for it too. I’ve long given up on costly gym memberships that I give up on after my fancy Athleta start standing up on their own dirt weight. And instead capitalizing on short, super effective workouts. My new best friend: the kettlebell, aka the cannonball with a handle, which can help you forget about last week-end’s carbs in 15 minutes!
Find the best workout that accommodates your life, and stick to it!
Get your zzz’s!
In her book ” The Sleep Revolution: Transforming Your Life, One Night at a Time“, Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington makes no secret that the ultimate productivity tool is…sleep! Yes, those precious hours you often take a lease on to finish laundry, or work on that late night report…
Those are the very same hours that can literally multiply your productivity ten-fold, in addition to making you save on those expensive anti-wrinkle creams.After all, if one of the world’s powerful women, author of 15 books, who also happened to have sold her site to AOL for $315 million in 2011, suggests you should sleep more, I’d take her up on it.
As the whole “back-to-school” craziness starts and threatens to take over our summer tans, let’s remember to recharge not just on the week-end, but every.single.night. I’ve recently admitted to my friends that I must hit the sack by 9:30pm (which in our circle is the equivalent of social death). Yet at the risk of looking like the totally “uncool” mom, think about all the energy, ideas, and smooth skin you can brag about at the next PTA meeting…
What other tips would you recommend to hack your “back-to-school” schedule?
As a working parent, the end of the summer also spells the proverbial “Back to School” double-edged sword. On one hand, you may be extremely excited happy to actually get an “educational daycare” option for your kids. On the other, you also have to contend with getting said kids ready for yet another school year. Which, in other words, also means “back to school” shopping, “back to school” scheduling, and overall “back to school” stress everywhere you look.
I mean, from deciphering the list of required school supplies (what in the world are washable hypoallergenic crayons?), to figuring out how in the world you can turn your late-night movie-watching little monsters into early risers without losing every single strand of hair on your head, it’s a challenge. Never mind adjusting our summer schedules to the school schedule, without scoring the most late tickets ever recorded in the story of said school district.
I would know… “Back to school” time in my house is a lot like “back to craziness” for me. A lot of trial and error, mixed with some honest scheduling mistakes, and we pretty much always end up with some “back to school” catastrophe or another. Like the year we actually dropped off Dear Daughter a day late without her backpack…But I digress…
After quite a few unfortunate, albeit hilarious “back to school” experiences, here are five of the most noteworthy tips I garnered over time:
Start early
Don’t get caught in the last minute shuffle of “back to school” activities. I used to, and only ended up being immersed in loads of administrative frustration. Instead, start at least a couple of weeks early.
Gather all the information you need, from the important dates to the school supply list. Obtain whatever information you’re missing, and give yourself some time to prepare.
Have a Plan
Considering the limited amount of time you have as a working parent, have a plan of attack. Instead of going at it in one week-end and despising the process forever, list all your to-do’s and spread them over time. Which also means you must start early (refer to tip #1).
Be willing to be flexible
As a working parent, combining full-time work and responsibilities with back-to-school to-do’s can stretch you way too thin. To avoid being overwhelmed, plan to ask for a day off, or a more flexible schedule for a limited period of time. This way, you’ll have the time and availability necessary without the stress of impairing your work.
Cut yourself some slack
You’re doing the best you can. Even when purchasing the wrong brand of stencil pad, or forgetting to sign that school form. Give yourself a break throughout the process, it’ll get done eventually.
Enjoy the process
Remember that it’s not just a matter of checking the boxes and crossing out all the to-do’s. It’s also a process to be enjoyed, as you celebrate new milestones for your kids and watch them accomplish and learn new things.
Yes, it can be stressful to get everyone ready, including yourself, while still striving in your career and keeping your sanity. Yet, in the end, it’s all worth it, wrong brand of stencil pad and all.
How are you managing ‘back to school” time as a working parent?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sis.
What other tips do you have to manage your kids going back to school?
I’ve been impatiently waiting to see “Bad Moms“, and yesterday finally grabbed my sis-in-law, kissed the hubby and kids good-night, and headed straight for a movie treat. And what a treat it was!
This hilarious yet sentimental comedy had me laughing, tearing up, and leaving most of my “mommy guilt” on the movie theater seat. I said most of it, still gotta worry about some stuff after all…
Think of it as the mommy/female version of the Hangover movie. A comedy aimed at destroying the gender stereotype of smother mothers everywhere. You know the mothers I’m talking about…The ones who spend hours making their babies’ homemade foods only to give you the side eye when you pop your store-bought jars of pureed carrots from your stained diaper bag. Or the ones who raise their eyebrows when you don’t volunteer for at least two extra-curricular activities, or bring non-homemade goodies to the school’s bake sale…
In “Bad Moms”, Amy, a devoted 32-year-old working mom to her two kids, bends over backwards to emulate that stereotype. So she runs from kids’ drop-offs to annoying work meeting, then to two-hour-long PTA meetings and unending bake sales…all the while her husband’s cheating on her and she’s nearing a mental breakdown. Until the day she decides enough is enough, and goes on a “bad mom” trip…And the rest is an artfully orchestrated sequence of funny, inspirational and at times downright emotional, yet oh so real moments…
I loved watching Amy (played by the amazing Mila Kunis), as the “good mom gone bad”, put her childish, cheating husband out and decide to stop coddling her kids so much, so she can have a real life. The neurotic, “doormat mom” Kiki (played by Kristen Bell) had me jumping off my seat when she told her hubby to figure out how to care for their kids on his own. And the overly sexed-up, hilarious Carla (Kathryn Hahn) had me in stitches as she sought to make out with pretty much anything reminiscent of a male sexual organ, while unapologetically being her own kind of “bad mom”.
The thing is, I could find myself in each and every one of these women. I, and most moms out there, have been there. Trying to fit in the annoying work meeting with the kids’ pickup schedule. Bringing store-bought brownies to the bake sale (albeit on a beautiful platter, pretending they just came out of the oven). Saying yes to the school PTA meeting when all you really want is go home and lay down. We’ve also been on the other side of the spectrum too, obsessing over every detail, and checking to make sure the baby’s diapers are bio-degradable. Or just skipping that last diaper change, giving hurried instructions to the babysitter so we could enjoy a night out with the girls.
I know I have…And I know I’m not the only one. It still stings a bit when I remember this fellow mom bragging about what an honor it is to give birth “naturally”, after I had just delivered my first baby via emergency C-section. Or the unsolicited advice from other women about pretty much everything from how to feed your kid to how much time you should spend with them…And the silent shame and guilt at being an ambitious working mom hustling for my dreams, instead of focusing every single minute of every waking day to my kids…Feeling like I had to get it (and keep it) together, at work, at the kids’ school, on the playground, or as I try to pee alone. Exhausting! Utterly, definitely, unbelievably exhausting!
Being a mom has never been so hard as it is today. In our ultra-connected, social-media driven society where our kids are over scheduled, over-stimulated, and frankly over-spoiled, we feel the need to do it all, and do it all perfectly all the time. To be the mom who takes her kids to all the swim meets and piano lessons and soccer games, while making sure their school projects are the best, that they eat enough protein and look perfect on every Instagram picture. Truth is, that seemingly perfect mom, is so tired she falls asleep as soon as she sits down somewhere, and has to buy extra packages of concealer to make it through a regular workday. No wonder she doesn’t exactly think about sex (unless it’s scheduled ahead of time) or still wears her mom bra from her last pregnancy five years ago…
Bottom line: none of us is perfect, and none of us is a perfect mom. And it felt so good to see our fears, awkward, happy and crazy mommy moments translated on-screen in such a simple yet personal way. It felt so good to just kick my heels and for once, stop blaming myself for not being like the next mom. To just laugh at the mistakes, celebrate the good, and accept that there’s a “bad mom” in all of us, and that it’s OK.
I stepped out of the movie theater with a pep in my step, a fresh swipe of my Revlon lipstick bought on sale earlier, and a newfound appreciation for the woman inside. I can’t guarantee I won’t be late for the kids’ pickup next week, but what I’m sure of is, I’ll never look at myself the same again. Or at any other mom out there. We’re all doing the best we can, and that’s a heck of a lot already…
So for today, I’ll just enjoy being a “bad mom” and skipping the laundry…and the dishes too…Oh and by the way, we’re ordering out….
And if you’re still on the fence, check out the official trailer here:
PS: Shoutout to all the “bad moms” out there, you rock!
I’d know… I set up my alarm for 4am every night, only to play a game of catch-and-release with the snooze button until about 5am. At which point I engage in a tough back-and-forth with myself, discussing the pros and cons of leaving the sweet refuge of my blanket to face the harsh realities of this world. Then starts the mad dash to take a shower, get breakfast and lunch bags ready, before (gently) admonishing the small creatures of the house to roll out of bed and act like humans…
For women everywhere, the lapse of time between the moment we open our eyes to the time we finally walk out the door, looking somewhat human, without forgetting any little creature or dropping the other shoe, IS a journey in and of itself. And for most of us, how we start our day very often defines how we go through it (which also very often explains sugar binges and chocolate highs..)…
Yet, there are plenty of women out there who do this day in and day out, without (apparently) resorting to massive amounts of sugar or excessive online shopping (don’t judge me). From doing a bit of research and looking around, I’ve learnt one or two things from some of these successful and uber-productive women on hacking my morning routine (and cutting down on the sugar and online shopping):
Make Sleep and Exercise a Priority
Listen, if you don’t care for yourself, you can’t care for anyone else. Period. Running on empty batteries is running on no batteries. It took me a while to understand this, as my over-inflated, Superwoman ego was bent on doing it all, no matter what. Except your body can only do so much, and your mind may betray you the minute a German chocolate cake shows up…
Meanwhile, First Lady Michelle Obama gets up as early as 4:30 am to exercise. In this 2009 interview with Oprah, she puts it in unequivocal terms: “If I had to get up to take care of my kids, I’d get up to do that. But when it comes to yourself, then it’s suddenly, ‘Oh, I can’t get up at 4:30.’ So I had to change that. If I don’t exercise, I won’t feel good. I’ll get depressed.”
And is it any surprise that Vogue Editor-in-chief Anna Wintour starts her day at 5:45 am with a game of tennis?
Ok, time to dig out my sneakers…
Find Creative Ways to Spend Some Time With Family
Even more than money, time’s a commodity. Especially when it comes to spending time with family…
In the research for her “I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make The Most of Their Time” book, author Laura Vanderkam found out many busy families choose to have family breakfasts instead of dinners. All in all, they focused on how they could find ways throughout their days to create family memories.
For celebrities like J. Lo and Kim Kardashian, it means starting their busy day with their twins. For others, it may mean leaving early and saving dinner time for family time. Whatever works best…
“Good Enough” Is the New Perfect
The biggest morning hack of all is letting go of the need to be perfect. Whether it’s foregoing blow-drying your hair like designer Tory Burch, or getting an extra half-hour of sleep like Oprah (so you can do even more afterwards), understanding that what you can do is “good enough” is one giant step towards turning your mornings into success.
We look forward to summer all year, and then it comes, with its slew of fun things to do to entertain ourselves. And most importantly for working moms, to entertain the kids…All of a sudden, all this fun has to be combined with being stuck in a cubicle working full-time, while trying not to stress about keeping the kids busy and happy over the summer break.
Let’s keep it real…When kids are in school, we worry less about keeping them busy and entertained. Over the summer break (and any other school break really), getting appropriate childcare becomes more of a headache, as we try and plan our entire kids’ lives for three months. So how do we entertain the kids when we’re working full-time? How do we find time to plan kids’ activities in between the daily to-do’s and fun-packed week-ends? And in the midst of all this entertainment, how do we manage to keep our sanity?
Find the Childcare Option That Works Best for You
When it comes to summer childcare options, while you have options, you’ve got to pick what works best for you. That fancy camp that requires you to drop off at odd hours, and leaves you after mid-day? It may sound appealing, but may just end up stressing you out more than necessary.
Whether it’s a camp, specialized classes, or a more family-based childcare option, pick something that works around your own schedule. You may have to be a little more flexible than usual, but don’t put yourself in a situation where you just drive yourself insane.
Work From Home on Some Days (or Ask to Modify Your Schedule)
Aside from keeping your motivation up during the summer months, worrying about your kids while in your cubicle on an 80 degree day isn’t exactly the definition of summer fun! Break up the monotony of summer days, along with your childcare worries, by asking to work from home on some days. Why not even request a modified schedule in the summer? A girlfriend of mine asked to work 40 hours in 4 days, so she could have every Friday off to spend with her kids during the summer.
Besides, if you can argue that it’ll actually help you be more productive (and maybe a tad nicer), your request may end up going over pretty well…
Budget (And Use) Your Vacation!
Don’t be like the 41% of Americans who didn’t use their vacation n 2015. Summer’s the perfect time to use, and leverage, your vacation time. It wasn’t until I became a working mom that I understood how important it is to budget vacation time. Plan your time off earlier in the year, to ensure your ave as much time as possible for summer vacation.
Let the Kids be Bored!
In our modern obsession with “busyness’, we tend to overbook our kids, especially in the summer. We take them from camp to music lesson, then to swimming and through painful playdates. Yet psychologists recommend we should let kids be bored in the summer, so they can discover what truly interests them.
So instead of overbooking their schedule (and yours), let them flow freely for a bit, and give yourself a break in the meantime.
How do you keep kids entertained in the summer when you’re working full-time?
So the other day, as we were discussing prospective plans for Father’s Day, I got to asking Dear Hubby a few questions about being a working dad.
“Honey, how does it feel to be a working dad?”
“What do you mean? I work and I’m a dad!”
“Yeah, but, do you feel like you’re stretched thin between your commitments at work and at home? Do you ever feel like you’re in over your head and you just need a break to breathe sometimes?”
“Uuuuhhh… you mean, me or you?”
As you can tell, our conversation didn’t go very far…The more I kept asking what I thought were more and more probing, deep questions about the “human state of being a working dad”, the more Dear Hubby kept looking at me in total bewilderment. And the more passionate I got about transferring my own emotions and frustrations as a working mom onto him, the quieter he got…Hindsight being 20/20, I bet you my morning coffee he must’ve tuned me out by about the second question…
It soon became hilariously obvious that I was transposing my own reality as a professional mom onto this poor guy, who was just trying to have his coffee in peace, and maybe down another piece of organic waffle swimming in full-fat Aunt Jemima syrup…
It’s tough being a working dad (the non-laundry-adverse kind) in a world of working moms…On one hand, you’re praised for loading the laundry machine and earning a decent paycheck (albeit not at the same time), and on the other, you’re scrutinized for not having it as tough as the moms out there. Never mind when you get to work, and have to tread carefully with your female colleagues and bosses not to get caught under that glass ceiling that’s about to get smashed any day now…
Of course, the statistics are here to prove the facts we all know. According to the Pew Research Center, even in homes where both parents work, and where quality time and discipline are shared equally between these, scheduling and sick days still fall on the mother. Additionally, “working moms are more likely than dads to say parenting has interfered with their career progress”. Yet, what’s interesting to see through these stats, is that all in all, both working parents feel the pinch of time spent with the kids, with over 50% of working dads wishing they’s have more time with their little ones.
All humor and stats aside though, as I looked over at my husband, I felt a pinch of inner guilt as I considered all the times I came home from work and let the poor dude have it…About how hard it is to be the only woman in the room…Or how tough women have it, from carrying a baby 9 months to buying all these stretch mark oils to the gender gap and not even being able to wear flats at work once in a while…All the while he was cooking dinner, giving the kids a bath, and pouring me some Pinot Noir…
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a mea culpa for working moms towards the dads in their lives…Neither is it an absolution from doing the laundry, washing the dishes, or changing diapers in their favorite suit and tie…What this is, is a recognition that somewhere in between the confidence gap, the gender gap, and all these gaps society has created for women in and out of work, there are also those amazing spaces filled by loving, hard-working, and non-laundry-adverse working men out there…
I should know…I was raised by a single mom, with no dad in sight for the majority of my life…Until I had babies of my own, I didn’t know what a man who’d participate at work and at home, remotely looked like. As a very early feminist and advocate for women, I followed in my mom’s footsteps, and decided to do it on my own. All of it, the work stuff, the house stuff, the bills stuff, the kids stuff, all of it…
Except life has an interesting way of making you look outside of yourself, and in the midst of that struggle you’re in, make you acknowledge you’re not alone in the battle for clean underwear and sleep equality…So for all the non-laundry-adverse, bath-giving, Pinot-Noir-pouring, loving working dads out there, here’s a heartfelt confession and a sweet token of appreciation…
Which you may redeem for a no-laundry pass this week only (please note that it expires on Father’s Day, after which you’d be solely responsible for clean underwear —or the lack thereof)….
PS: Here’s to my favorite working dad in the world, the hubby Walter!
Today my youngest (and probably last baby, did I say probably?) starts school. And even as the hardcore independent career woman and feminist I consider myself to be, it feels weird, to say the least.
With the whole “Back to School” in full swing, I’ve been seriously pondering the benefits of going to bed already fully dressed for the next workday. After all, it cuts down on picking an outfit (only to find out that stain from last week’s meeting’s still showing), switching said outfit twice, only to finally wear it backwards as you rush out the door…And before you wink in slight disgust, let’s all agree you could also use the extra time…
As a working parent, the end of the summer also spells the proverbial “Back to School” double-edged sword. On one hand, you may be 
Mornings can be rough.
We look forward to summer all year, and then it comes, with its slew of fun things to do to entertain ourselves. And most importantly for working moms, to entertain the kids…All of a sudden, all this fun has to be combined with being stuck in a cubicle working full-time, while trying not to stress about keeping the kids busy and happy over the summer break.
So the other day, as we were discussing prospective plans for Father’s Day, I got to asking Dear Hubby a few questions about being a working dad.
