by Solange Lopes | Feb 12, 2016 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
I remember returning to work after maternity leave for my first and second baby, being lost and trying to find my marks for weeks. Dealing with the emotional and physical pressure at home, and the mental upheaval at work. After missing so many months at work, there was so much catching up to do. Even as my mind was still reconciling the change in circumstances, when my heart was longing for my fuzzy-haired babies, and my body was juggling the two as I struggled to pump enough milk while reading the quarterly report at work.
This is the dilemma for many moms returning to work after baby. How to adjust to this life change, while still showing ourselves as competent, competitive and ready to shatter that glass ceiling all the while pumping adequate amounts of milk? And how to even expect our male-dominated workplaces to understand what it means to go through the experience of making another human being and emerging as a totally different human being?
While we may expect companies and management to help us through this transition, truth is, we have to do the bulk of the understanding, and the working, and the making peace with all the milk and diapers and quarterly reports mess. And if you’ve been in the same situation, you know all too well what it feels like..
And sometimes, many times actually, we learn more from what not to do, than from what to do. And after breaking my own records of what not to do, in and outside of work, here are a few of my not-to’s for us ladies returning to work after maternity leave:
- Don’t try and be SuperWoman! More than any other time, work after baby feels like having to be Superwoman, except instead of the cape, we have to make do with milk-stained blouses and haunting dark circles (hello waterproof concealer). After baby#1, I though I could come back to the professional life and do it all. Pump while taking the conference call. Get the house in tip-top shape, baby fed, bed made, all before heading out the door in the morning. The reality was, my expectations, more than anything else, drove me bonkers. In addition to having to comb my hair and apply my make-up in the office bathroom, I had to deal with the disappointing frustration of feeling that I was not enough. And of course, my work, and entire life, suffered. Take it one day at a time. Stepping out of the house fully clothed and with matching shoes is already a big accomplishment, acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can.
- Don’t stay in your corner! After returning to work from maternity leave both times, I literally hibernated in my cube for a while. At the time, I thought this would be the best way to catch up and to find my marks. What ended up happening though, is that I failed to re-integrate the work environment as well as I could have. As a new mom back at work after baby, it’s easy (and somewhat normal at first) to stay in your corner and take some time to readjust. Yet, you want this transition period to be as short and swift as possible. Even if you’re still overwhelmed and uncomfortable the first few weeks, come out of your cube. Go meet and talk to people. Ask about changes that have happened in your absence. Do your own, subtle yet effective “after baby networking”. Better than catching up on email, it’s the fastest and most effective way to get yourself back in the groove of all work things. And it’s also the best way to show that you are indeed, back!
- Ask for what you need! Many new moms fail to ask for what they need. What they really, desperately need. Instead, we try to do it all, and end up frustrated, unhappy, and paralyzed into inaction. After baby#2, our family schedule had changed, and I needed to be able to come in earlier so I could leave earlier to pick up both babies. Instead of asking for what a slight schedule adjustment, I would instead drive myself insane trying to leave a few minutes late and curse my way to the daycare. Not the most effective way to keep sane! Do you need to leave at 4:30pm to feed the baby? Ask for a more flexible work arrangement. Do you need to take an hour at lunch to pump? Check with your manager and block that time on your calendar. The better you are at asking for what you need in order to perform your job well, the better you’ll be able to fulfill your professional duties. And yes, there may be instances where the answer will be no! Yet you owe it to yourself to ask.
- Don’t think of your circumstances as obstacles. I was speaking to a close friend earlier about her career progress. And what she said made me realize the sad truth for many moms returning to work after maternity leave. “I don’t think I’ll get the promotion. I’ve just had my second baby, and I’m sure I won’t even be considered for the job. They’ll probably think I won’t be committed enough, with all my family responsibilities and all…” So she didn’t go for the job…at first. Until her own husband pushed her to apply and go for it. And she did get it…This is a happy ending that may not happen in many other instances. Yet, way too often, we take ourselves out of the race mentally first. Thinking that we won’t be able to do the job. Or that “they” won’t consider us for it (who’s “they” anyways?). If you don’t think of your circumstances as obstacles, even if these look the part, chances are others won’t.
In summary, here are the no-no’s to absolutely avoid when coming back to work after baby, milk-stained shirts and sleepless nights galore:
- Avoid the Superwoman trap at all costs! You can’t do it all, and you can’t please everyone. You’re not a plate of cheese!
- Get out of that office, cube, or wherever else you may be hiding out after baby! Network your way back into the fold, show your face, and get back on track!
- Put your needs out there! No more trying to beat traffic, or concoct excuses! If you need it, ask for it!
- What’s happening to you is normal, it’s not an obstacle! Stop thinking of and presenting your circumstances as obstacles to your career advancement and progress! The more you learn to thrive in your circumstances, the more success you will attract your way!
What else would you suggest as a no-no for women returning to work after abby? Care to share your own story? Please chime in in the comments…
Love and Success,
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Jan 23, 2015 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
Photo credit: http://4.bp.blogspot.com
You know the drill, you’re on it, meeting, even exceeding deadlines and goals, keeping on your grind, coming in early to get yours (and others’) work done. And here it is, 5:15pm, and your boss is sending you an IM to come in to his office to discuss some project you handed in last month for review! Really? And here you are, looking at your watch, realizing you’re already late to pick up the kids, and you’re probably not going to make it tonight, yet again…Story of a gazillion working moms out there! And what gets done in most cases: nada, ziltsch, nothing!
Granted we all have to take our work responsibilities seriously (and in case you were thinking, the myth of the distracted working mom is just that, a myth), and that most of us know by now work-life balance is just as elusive as the no-carb diet, the unrealistic demands and stereotypes placed on working moms keep on taking a heavy toll not only on these women, but also on companies and the economy in general that keeps on losing great workers to unfair, and frankly inefficient practices.
Truth is, work is a part of life, and not the other way around. As part of this life thing, women have had to pick their kids up for decades. So have men. That’s just part of life. So if both work and picking up your kids are part of normal life, nothing fancy, what seems to be the problem? Is there even a problem, or are we as a society making our lives, and the work that’s a part of it, unnecessarily complicated? Sounds simplistic? Well, try explaining to your 5-year old why they’ve had to wait on the school steps three times this week…
Yes, there’s work to be done, yet there’s also a life to be lived. Part of the work and the life we’re given is to ensure we can manage both efficiently enough so they don’t spill on each other. That includes running the day before it runs us, and not decide to wait until after-hours to address an important project (that you’ve been sitting on for a month)…
Just sayin’….
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Nov 24, 2014 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
It’s the countdown to Thanksgiving! Menus are being planned, families are getting ready to gather, some for better, others for worse, and we’re all ready to go ahead and think of those people, events and things we are thankful for (and those we have other, much less thankful words, about…but I digress again…). All in all, Thanksgiving is like this scheduled positive time in your life when you’re expected to say thanks. And considering the bad rap this generation gets, taking a grateful pause makes us all look (and feel) better…
Plus your career may thank you too, what with complaints about the unstable economy (which by the way is much better than advertised), the gender pay gap, and what have you…Not to mention the fact that being thankful can keep you healthy, boost your morale, and prevent you from throwing a sharp object at your boss…Besides, the simple act of saying thank you at work has the power, according to research by Susan Quandt, to help you overcome career roadblocks with the sheer power of optimism:
- Write down what you’re grateful for: Start a gratitude journal, and motivate yourself to find something, someone, anything you’re grateful for…every day, even on Mondays!
- Thank 5 people at work this week: I know, some of you may read this, and think “shoo, I don’t even like five people at work”. Well, try! Whether it be thanking the janitor for keeping the toilets clean, or the cafeteria help for putting up with your constant lack of change, or your manager for skipping this week’s one-on-one, find 5 people, say thank you, and treat yourself to ice cream (or shoes) later!
- Give someone a career boost: If someone has helped you at work, or has been a great resource professionally, don’t just keep it to yourself! Spread the word, tell their managers, give them brownie points on the company’s Intranet, and help boost someone else’s, other than yours, career. It’s the small things, and they pay off…
How are you being thankful at work this week?
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Oct 15, 2014 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
Children or career – Photo: huffingtonpost.com
The news that Apple and Facebook decided to pay women employees for freezing their eggs took me a bit by surprise. I realize, as incongruous as it may sound, that there is such a thing as the motherhood penalty, or that some may leave the widening gender inequality in the hands of karma. Yet when it comes to deciding upon our fertility as women, I still tend to be a traditionalist at heart.
Certainly, this is an amazing perk, as the cost of freezing eggs can add up to $10,000 per round of treatment. And considering at least 2 rounds are needed for the recommended 20 eggs for fertilization, this procedure does cost a pretty penny. Having companies such as Apple and Microsoft in male-dominated Silicon Valley volunteer to invest such money in their female employees will undoubtedly be a great opportunity for many women. It will afford many a woman the choice to delay pregnancy and focus on their career, or even help with health issues forcing them to consider having children later in life.
However, for those women who want both motherhood and career success, what message are these companies sending? Does this mean women must now choose between motherhood and career? And if they choose motherhood, that their chances at succeeding in their careers are diminished? Or if they choose to delay motherhood and focus on their careers, that having children was out on the back seat?
For many women, the choice is not that easy. While we may not want or need to have it all, some choices are among the most difficult to make, and have longer lasting consequences and implications than a couple of fertilization treatments. Do we want this type of choices to now be institutionalized and made the norm?
What do you think? Are companies offering to pay employees’ costs to freeze their eggs sending the wrong message?
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Oct 10, 2014 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
Photo: blackenterprise.com
Before I even start ranting, let me add a disclaimer here: I believe all women are working women, whether we are professionals excelling at work or mothers raising kids at home (which by the way happens to be the toughest job on Earth).
Ok, now back to my rant…I remember after having my first child, in the first few weeks of the frazzled rest of my life, looking at childless women in the office almost with envy. Their perfectly manicured hands, rested looks and generally more relaxed appearance against my early foray into motherhood’s “Sorry” land. “Sorry I can’t make that meeting, gotta pick up the kids!” “Sorry I have to miss happy hour!” Sorry, sorry, sorry…
You know what I’m talking about, the feeling of being sub-par because all your childless colleagues can attend all the work’s social events, stay extra late at work, and be constantly available. Does this mean childless women at work are more successful than professional moms? I’d say, it depends on your definition of success. Yet, is there sometimes a subtle competition between moms and non-moms at work? Hmmm…
While many argue women with children get preferential treatment at work, and others are relentless about the motherhood penalty, the fact remains the state of women at work is definitely more complex and layered as it seems…
I’ve been on both sides of the fence. As a young, career-focused woman in Boston, spending my entire paycheck on rent and shoes (who needs food?), working late and never missing a happy hour. As a mom (even as a somewhat experienced mom), I miss my laundered shirts and 5-inch heels (and my waist too), and work is no longer number one. And I’m certainly not going to apologize for being a working mom.
All I can say is when it comes to moms and non-moms at work, success and struggle do go hand in hand…And whether we believe one group may have the upper hand on the other, at the end of the day, it’s really all up to your personal definition of success…
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Oct 9, 2014 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
On parental pressure and choosing the wrong career – Photo credit: madamenoire.com
If you watched The Middle on ABC last night, you couldn’t have missed Axl struggling with major anxiety the entire episode, before being admonished by his father to pick Business.While in Axl’s case, he needed the admonition, in many other cases, most of us could have done without…
Your mom told you so. Heck, everyone else did too…The immense pressure of career choice was upon you as you graduated from high school, you just had to make the best decision, for yourself and everyone else…but mostly for everyone else. My mother raised all four of us as a single mom, and wanted us to pick lucrative, well-regarded careers. Her dream was for at least one of us to be a doctor, which didn’t exactly work out as planned.
Overcoming parental pressure to pick the careers we really want is no small feat. It goes even further than that, as parents often play a big role in determining their children’s success, and happiness. And most often, the reality is most of us did not exactly resist the parental pressure. Instead, we caved in, got the degree and ended up in some office with all the apparent signs of success, yet feeling like we failed ourselves.
So what should you do if your parents pressured you to pick the wrong career, and you actually did? Do you just chuck it up to bad luck, keep pursuing your dreams even if on the side, or just resign yourself to your fate?
1. There’s a reason for everything! As lame as it may sound, it’s true. There was a reason I got this Accounting degree, paid my dues and learnt what I now know. If anything, I can write about it…
2. Make your dream a part of your life! Dreaming of a writing career? Well, start writing right where you are, at work, in your side hustle, everywhere you can get your pen through. Use your talents in your current career, moonlight when you can, and have faith it will all come together…
3. Stop blaming your parents! Let go of the resentment and blame, accept that your career was also your choice. As soon as you start letting go of the “what if’s” and the anger, your path becomes clearer, even in the midst of uncertainty and confusion…
Did your parents pressure you to pick the wrong career? How did you cope?
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Sep 6, 2014 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
Mommy, Why you didn’t tell me – Photo credit: jiyobefikarwomen.com
My mother always worked. She was always the busy, well-dressed career woman climbing down her high heels after work to rush into the kitchen and fix us a hot plate. It’s through her that I learnt the meaning of work, and all that being a career woman represents. From the struggles to get promoted, to the unsuccessful yet hurtful sexual harassment attempts from male colleagues and superiors, not to mention the passive aggressiveness of fellow women at work. I saw it all, absorbed it all, and…wished it all upon myself…Except my experience was going to be better, easier and much, much more successful…After all, doesn’t each generation make better, more informed decisions? And aren’t women progressing so much more now than before?
Yet, what I didn’t realize, as I gathered all my hopes for career and life success, is that I may have missed an important part of the picture. The internal part. That secret, inside part of every woman’s struggles, that unfortunately we tend to shield our children, and especially our daughters from. I missed the down, dirty truth about what my mother really felt about her career and life…
Until I faced my own struggles at work, gave birth to my first child and witnessed the death of my most profoundly ingrained beliefs and assumptions about life. Until I asked my mother what the heck was happening, and she finally told me about it all…All of it…
All of it, from the exhilarating feeling of achievements, to the fear to disappoint, the gut-wrenching pain at leaving our children to get back to work, the push and pull between tradition and modernism, family and work, ourselves and everyone else. When the strong facade fell, and words of wisdom, pain and ultimately victory, started rolling, I understood and started forgiving myself…
Are we telling our daughters the truth about being a woman at work and in life? Or would we rather shield them under covers of private education and women’s empowerment speeches, leaving them to fend for themselves when reality hits? And does it hit hard…
Mommy, why didn’t you tell me it was ok to choose myself? Why didn’t you say having children would be considered a career mistake? Why did you shield me from the realization that it was going to be hard but oh so rewarding? Why, why, why….
It may be time to start telling…
The Corporate Sis.
