I’ll admit it. I’m a recovering people pleaser. There, I said it…For the longest time, I had the strongest aversion to the word “No”. It was as if I were compulsively moved to utter the one word that would grant me others’ approval: “Yes!” Although in many cases, I could see how whatever was being asked of me was not in my best interested, I couldn’t help myself.
If you’re a recovering people-pleaser, you may have felt disconnected by this need to positively answer others’ needs. You may have been silently crumbling under the pressure those around you may have unknowingly (or knowingly) put you through. You may even have felt trapped, not knowing what to do and too ashamed to admit your people-pleasing tendencies.
What many see as a weakness, or “being too nice”, is often a natural response developed by certain individuals in order to make life easier for those around them. This is also so they can feel better as well. However, issues arise when this type of behavior turns into a prison of inadequacy and fear.
Truth is, people-pleasing tendencies do not help anyone. On the very contrary, they hinder both the people-pleaser and those around him/her. The solution is not to wait for others to apply less pressure on you. Rather, it is to change your own behavior first.
Here are a few steps to get started out of people-pleasing into wholeness and becoming the best version of yourself:
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It starts with acknowledging the problem
The first step is always to acknowledge the problem. You may not want to be perceived as a people-pleaser, which in turn may create an attitude of denial. Instead, allow yourself to look at the way you react in an honest way, yet without judgment. It’s only then that you can be more aware of yourself and commit to change.
For me, it started with feeling the extreme pressure of over-committing and being unable to say no to external requests, especially at work. Over time, it became unbearable and un-manageable, to the point that I had to take an honest look at myself. That’s when I could recognize there was a problem, and that it started with me.
Related: How to establish your authority as a working woman
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Realize that relationships are about exchanges
If you’ve ever been in uneven relationships, where you did most of the giving and caring, you know it’s not a pleasant feeling. As a matter of fact, it can turn out to be quite a burden to carry.
When I started realizing that some relationships were depleting me more than they were fulfilling me, I had to take a pause and re-consider. Healthy relationships are about give-and-takes in both directions. Otherwise, you may find yourself in situations in which you over-function, prompting others to under-function. As a result, you end up being in unhealthy relationships.
Related: How to improve your work relationships this year
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It’s ok to be your most authentic self
Many of us wear a mask, especially in the workplace. Outside of the workplace, there’s also a tendency to subject ourselves to a certain status quo. This prompts us to not always be, and show, our most authentic selves.
It took me a while to own my “weird” as I call it. As an introvert, I operated mostly in extroverted environments, which seemed at times foreign. You may also wonder if owning your “weird” or being your most authentic self is ok in your environment, and to what extent. However, it’s our uniqueness and special values which truly allow us to bring our best contribution to the world.
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Get comfortable with the word “no”
I have a big “NO” written on a Post-It note above my desk in my office. It serves as a reminder that not only is it ok to say “No”; in many cases, it’s the best response. It’s one that I have had to grow accustomed to using over and over again.
Not all opportunities, requests, or relationships are for you. This is why it’s so important to master the art of saying no.
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Let go of the past
People-pleasing tendencies can create a negative hold on you from the past. You may have been hurt by others’ behavior or pressure from those around you. However, it’s crucial to let go of past traumas and difficult memories to be able to muster the courage to grow.
Are you a recovering people-pleaser? How have you overcome these tendencies?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sister.
