It takes a crisis to reveal the true character of situations. The current COVID-19 pandemic, as most crisis, is revealing many, if not most of the inequities, around gender. One of the most striking manifestations of this is directly linked to parenting. The reality is, this pandemic is killing working moms, figuratively and literally.
Truth is, it is digging so deep into our last reserves of resilience and strength, as well as into any of the gender equity advances we’ve managed to make so far, that it may have the potential to set us back decades behind. However, what this current crisis also is, is a loud, stringent wake-up call for working mothers, and everyone else around. A call to re-visit, re-evaluate, not just the modern pressure of 21stcentury parenting, but also the very much contemporary meaning assigned to being a working mom.
Over time, with advances in gender equity and stronger initiatives (and incentives) for equal pay, working mothers have certainly gained some ground, although not enough just yet. However, what we’ve also gained has been the added pressure of living up to the impossibly high standard of “having it all”, even if not at the same time. We can all agree that having and doing it all at the same time, is a surefire recipe for disaster. So we’ve compromised instead on having and doing it all, just not at the same time. More realistic, certainly. Less heavy, probably not.
What it means really at the end of the day is that we’re carrying an ever heavier load, including work, parenting, life and everything in between. We’re just spreading the pie thinner rather than letting it get thicker. Yet, really, is it truly better to be spread thinner, rather than carrying a thicker weight? Aren’t both alternatives just different takes on picking our own “self-made” version of the same lethal poison?
What this pandemic has clearly, and quite harshly, if I may say so myself, shown me is that however you decide to slide the modern working mom pie, it is still too much. It doesn’t matter how many shifts one decides to compartmentalize the various demanding parts of their life and work in, it’s still too much. Too many responsibilities, too many compartments, too much to think about, even at different intervals and times…You can’t just switch off from being a great, present mom, to full-on career beast mode, and then to baking the perfect cake. You’re not a robot, you’re a human being, and yes, you’re pretty amazing but you’re not super-human…
Yes, the pandemic is killing working moms. Yet, it’s not inventing anything new. It’s simply amplifying the imbalance that’s been there for working mothers for quite some time, and the elusive appeal of the “have it all” mentality. It’s uncovered the fallacy of the modern take on gender equity and equality, and removed the mask off of the reality of contemporary motherhood. A reality steeped in profound, staggering, fundamental inequities that more flexibility, increased pay or a shattering of the glass ceiling, only scratch the surface of.
If this pandemic is offering us one saving grace, it is that of realizing that working mothers need more than just occasional help and assistance. They need a complete overhaul of an entire societal foundation anchored in gender inequity. They need for the load to be shared not just equally, but better; for structures and infrastructures, from roads and highways to the justice system, to reflect the needs of working moms and parents; and for organizations to respect the needs of families over profits.
They say it takes a crisis to reveal true character. At the end of the day, this crisis here is a wake-up call, not just for working mothers, but for an entire society, to re-think its ways, its priorities, and its heart.
Fear is real. It creeps up into every aspect of your life and work, paralyzing you and threatening to topple you at every turn. When fear overtakes not just you, but your entire network and community, it now becomes pandemonium.
Times of uncertainty bring fear. They bring about a sense that we’re no longer safe, that threats are everywhere around us, and that we’re left vulnerable and powerless in their wake. They rob us of our inner power to create the change we need in our own lives and others’.
I’ve learnt the only way to beat fear is not to try to beat it. Instead, it is to do it afraid. It is to rob it of its destructive power by doing the very thing we’re afraid to do, by continuing to strive when the temptation is to shrink and give in, to keep pushing through when everything else screams to stop and give in. It doesn’t mean the tightness in your chest will disappear, or the rapid beating of your heart will slow down. It just means you’re choosing to resist instead, leaning in to faith and perseverance to make the seemingly impossible possible.
As a working mom stuck in the middle of a pandemic, fear is everywhere. It’s in the small and large spaces between people at the grocery store. It’s in the media’s loud screams of panic overshadowing the fair and accurate reporting of the news. It’s in the angst of planning for tomorrow, next outing, next school year. It’s embedded in the thoughts, patterns, conversations, emotions awaken by a crisis we know by name but not by heart.
Fighting against this fear is a daily undertaking, one that requires focus and determination at a time when we’re running short of both. Thankfully, it’s a fight we can all learn to become better at:
Acknowledge your fear areas:
For me, it starts with acknowledging where it hurts, those areas where the fear is at its highest. In this current pandemic, most of us fear for our health and lives, and that of our loved ones. Many fear losing their jobs, careers, businesses and sources of income. The heightened level of panic is causing many to sink into deep anxiety and depression, paralyzing them and making them unable to perform in many, if not most, areas of their lives.
Do something every day in your fear areas
What can you do each and every day in your fear area? It could be taking care of your health by exercising daily, inspiring kids to working smarter instead of harder, or looking for a new source of income. It could be finally deciding to write the book or the business plan, facing the outside world (while taking your precautions), have a discussion with your kids, etc…
Practice gratitude
It’s hard to be grateful when you’re afraid. The smallest amount of progress loses its relevance in the face of fear. Yet, practicing gratitude gives you perspective and reminds you of how far you’ve come. It could be journaling for a few minutes a day, through prayer, or simply through quiet reflection. However you choose to do it, it will affect your outlook, motivate you, and beat the fear.
Give yourself grace
Fear doesn’t equal weakness. Nor does hiding one’s fear, especially to oneself, equate strength. Give yourself grace as you confront your own fears, and learn to do it, from the smallest to the biggest things, afraid.
How are you beating fear in these times of pandemic?
Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve taken on a lot over time. A lot of responsibilities, a lot of pressure, a lot of care, and a lot of weight, some mental, some spiritual, and some even physical over time…As time goes, you’re taking on more, doing more, being more, as there are more demands on your time, energy, and life…
You’ve been tirelessly juggling all the balls of your life and work, keeping as many of them as possible in the air at all times, not allowing yourself to drop any. From supporting your family, to acing your career, to maintaining age-old friendships, you’ve been trying to do it all, for way too long…And it’s cost you a lot, too much even, for way too long, from neglecting yourself to being taken for granted, to depleting the last of your very resources…
Yet, did anyone tell you it was OK to let go of some of the balls you’ve been juggling for so long? That not everything on your to-do list has to get done? That the kids will be ok if left to care for themselves for a bit? That your family could actually benefit from you letting go of all this pressure and weight? That the world will still go on, even if you don’t prepare organic meals or miss two appointments in a row…
You’re allowed to let go of the responsibilities that are not adding value to you, your purpose, and your life…
You’re allowed to let go of the beliefs and mindsets that no longer serve you…
You’re allowed to let go of the people who keep asking more and more of you without giving anything in exchange…
You’re allowed to let go of the places that keep swallowing you in their complacency and destructive patterns…
Most importantly, you’re allowed to let go of the guilt of choosing you over anything or anyone threatening your wholeness, your integrity and your purpose…The guilt of caring for yourself, of not being everything to everyone, and of making space for others to grow and learn on their own…
Not only are you allowed to let go, you must learn to do so with the grace, honesty and power you will need to evolve, and forgive yourself for treading new paths and creating new avenues…
Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve been holding on for a long time now, doing your absolute best, going above and beyond for everyone else…except yourself! You’ve been maintaining this façade, however successfully, of the strong woman who’s got it…Just like you’ve been taught by generations of strong women before you, whose tears no one saw, who only got half the credit for their full work, who kept plowing through the challenges and still made it happen, whatever “it” was, from a holiday mean on a shoestring budget, to “magically” paying tuition and rent every month…
Yet, the reality is, you’re crumbling…You have been for some time, without letting anyone know, not even yourself. It’s been hard, at times unbearably hard, so hard you could not even find the tears to cry or the words to explain…Prayers and affirmations are not even comforting anymore, as you look through your phone for someone to call before finally resigning yourself to handle your business alone…
This whole time, you’ve not given yourself permission to fall apart. After all, ain’t nobody got time for that! You’ve got way too much on your plate, way too many people counting on you, and way too many people expecting you to fail…So you’ve been soldiering on, not allowing yourself to feel your feelings, explore your emotions, or simply take a break…You’ve bottled it all in, the pain, the exhaustion, the trauma, the incessant worries, in the name of stoic resilience and superhuman courage, at the cost of your own sanity and mental health…Yet, instead of making things better, it’s made it all so much worse…
You’ve been taught falling apart is a bad look. Admitting you’re vulnerable is a sign of weakness and incompetence. That women can and should do it all, at the same time, whatever the cost. Yet, what if it had been the wrong message all along? What if feeling the emotions, putting down the façade, and taking a breath were actually necessary? Not to stay there and wallow in self-pity, but to observe a pause, to allow yourself to fall apart so you can pick yourself back up and rebuild afterwards, instead of endlessly running on fumes?
In this season, give yourself permission to fall apart, to feel all the “feels”, to take a break, and replenish yourself before starting over again. Because it takes courage to open up and be vulnerable. It takes compassion, for oneself and for others, to share one’s struggles so others can see they’re not alone.
Because falling apart is not weak, it’s necessary, as long as you don’t stay there…
Being vulnerable is not “not handling your business”…
Seeking help and support is not being fragile, but showing strength and courage…
Give yourself permission to fall apart…and then get back up!
Typical morning! By the time you roll out of bed, your entire schedule is flashing before your eyes, from getting the kids’ breakfast ready to meeting every deadline for the day. For many, if not most working moms, this is done on a stand-alone basis, with limited, sometimes non-existent, help from their partners.
One of the recurring complaints I keep hearing from working moms through the COVID-19 pandemic is all around the added load and burden of caring for kids and the household, in addition to handling work responsibilities. However, while men have been participating more in household chores, they’ve still been able to achieve much more work than women. Overall, in the work-from-home revolution, women got left behind while the inequities in the home and at work keep being perpetuated. As a matter of fact, Motherly’s 2020 State of Motherhood Survey reveals mothers are in a critical state of burnout.
How realistic is it for a working woman and working mom to give her all in her career, when the brunt of the home responsibilities falls on her? How many jobs can a working mom do at once, especially during this pandemic, caring for children, elderly parents, the household, all the while breaking herself to keep being employed? What conversations must be had at home and in the workplace to not just assist working women and moms, but actually set them up for success? These are many questions hovering over the surface of the still gigantic gap separating women and men at work. Questions that will probably take a long time to answer, yet that we in the meantime can help address in the home with a few changes:
Have THE equity talk with your partner
This is a conversation that should actually be had before people commit to each other, and frequently thereafter:
How can we handle household responsibilities to preserve a sense of equity?
How can we help each other grow in our purpose?
What are the non-negotiables in terms of equity?
These are just some of the questions that can, and will pop up as you have THE talk.
Set ground rules and boundaries (and stick to them)
Life happens, habits set in, and it can be so easy for the lines between equity and non-equity in the household to be blurred. Hence the importance of setting ground rules and establishing clear boundaries…While each household functions differently, basic ground rules around the distribution of household chores and care is quite common..
Even more important to setting ground rules and boundaries, sticking to them is crucial. It’s one thing to establish a new family pattern, and another one to keep it consistent in the long-run.
Involve the kids
Why do my kids walk straight past their dad to come ask me for a snack and the meaning of life? The reality is, many of the patterns we find in our households, are also internalized and learnt by our kids. This is why it’s so important to involve the kids in equity discussions in the household, as these will teach them much and later impact the way they see gender equity in all areas of their lives.
This may also mean openly assigning various chores and responsibilities irrespective of gender (yes, boys can do dishes and cook while girls take the trash out). Establishing a household atmosphere where equity is the norm goes a long way…
All in all, gender equity starts at home, and has wide repercussions on work and society at large. Beginning the fight at home can make a world of difference…
