“Girls, I know it has not been easy as I have tried to navigate the challenges of juggling my career and motherhood. And I fully admit that I did not always get the balance right. But I hope that you have seen that with hard work, determination, and love, it can be done … I love you so much.”
Her simple, yet wisdom-filled words, echoed what so many of us, as working moms, fear: not to get it right, to somehow miss it. “It” being this elusive, perfect balance between motherhood and career, this impossibly taxing juggling act we desperately try to master yet end up feeling guilty about much of the time.
It’s this heavy weight of society’s expectations, coupled with our own, that crushes us as we run from home to the office, and vice-versa. Most of all, it’s the disappointment and guilt at the end of the day, weighing our own often unrealistic plans against what we managed to accomplish, feeling it’s never enough. That there’s never enough time, enough energy, enough patience, enough discipline, to get it all done, and get it all done well…And that somehow that makes us not enough as mothers, as career women, as individuals…This can be a crippling feeling, one that can leave us constantly chasing endless tasks, to-do’s, and even recognition and reassurance…
The reality is, we never had to get the balance between career and motherhood right, for the simple reason it doesn’t exist. We may miss the baby’s first steps because we’re at work. Or we may not make the executive team because we can’t take that international assignment away from our families. There will be moments when being physically present as a mom, means not being there in our careers. And inversely, there will be times when thriving at work means missing out on some bedtimes, milestones and family moments.
Yet, what it also means, is that we get to be the fullest version of ourselves, and shine through all of our facets, skills, talents and abilities. We get to show up as all of who we are for those to whom it matters the most that we fulfill the authentic fullness of who we are, our families, spouses, children and loved ones.
As Justice Ketanji Brown-Jackson showed the world, but most importantly her own daughters, the most important is that “with hard work, determination and love, it can be done”. “It” is the journey of a lifetime to overcome the barriers in one’s way, and open closed doors on one’s path so those coming behind us have a better chance. To be all we can be, so we can leave the best and most important legacy to our children, that of being our full selves.
Because, dear working moms, we don’t have to get it right, we have to get it done, and get it done well, fully, authentically, unapologetically…
In this episode, we’re discussing as part of Women’s History Month, the maternal wall bias, or the bias many, if not most working and expectant mothers are seen as less competent, regardless of their actual abilities.
Read more on this on the blog…
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Generally, this may sound like a kind compliment, especially as niceness and warmth is often traditionally expected of women. However, in the workplace, it can have a different meaning, one that may disregard or downgrade the perception of working women and mom’s competence, thus preventing them from ascending to positions of leadership.
So are women too nice to lead? Or rather, should warmth and friendliness be so readily associated with lack of competence on the part of women? Certainly not. However, the reality is that it does. As working women, being aware of this biased reality is the first step to fight against it. Over time, this realization has made many professional women adopt more masculine behaviors and attitudes in the workplace, in an attempt to dispel this stereotype and perception. Yet, what we’re coming to realize is that these qualities, falsely labeled as “soft skills”, are actually critically needed in the workplace.
As such, here are 3 tips for women who may be considered too nice to lead:
Don’t give up on warmth and kindness…
The temptation for many working women and moms faced with the pressure of patriarchal professional environments, is to give up on warmth, kindness and nurturing qualities such as compassion and empathy. Or at least to hide them away as much as possible, from their facial expressions to their speech and even their way of dressing…Even as so -called “soft skills” such as social skills, critical thinking, teamwork and interpersonal skills, just to cite a few, are in higher demand than ever, there are still negative biases associated with women displaying kindness and warmth in the workplace.
However, denying these interpersonal skills is a surefire way to let go of being authentic at work and in life in general. Leadership, true, genuine, and most importantly, effective leadership, requires unapologetic authenticity. And leading like a powerful woman is first and foremost leading authentically, which means embracing and sharing the power of compassion, warmth and kindness.
Focus on impact not appearance
Instead of focusing on the appearance of leadership and success, much of which is largely determined by patriarchal stereotypes and parameters, focusing on impact can make a real difference. And true, effective impact is achieved through authenticity. Bringing all of who you are to work and life in general may not be popular at first, however it will create long-lasting, effective impact.
What kind of impact can you create by being just yourself, instead of denying parts of your identity? Who can you help? How can you generate results for your organization by being exactly who you are?
Use the power of data
Measuring impact also means using the power of data to do so. Very often, women’s achievements are downplayed because they are not measured. Much of the labor of working women and moms goes unnoticed and discounted for lack of reliable and measurable data to document it. Even when the data is present, the documentation part tends to sorely be lacking.
What metrics can you set in your group, department or organization to measure your impact? Can you set processes and systems to consistently document all aspects of your performance? Most importantly, can you build the habit to share this data?
All in all, the niceness stigma for working women and moms, while being a pervasive bias, is one that can be demystified through awareness, unapologetic authenticity and action through data and documentation. There is no shame in bringing warmth, compassion, kindness and other similar positive interpersonal attributes to the table of work. To the very contrary, these are powerful assets for individuals, groups and organizations alike. Instead of fighting these to better fit into a falsely effective patriarchal mold, embracing them and showing up as a genuine leader, while measuring impact through data and documentation, is key to powerfully leading like a woman.
“ Will you be able to resume your functions after baby?”
“ Are you able to effectively work from home with your children?”
“Shouldn’t you be home with your kids?”
These are only some of the questions and assumptions many, if not most, working moms face in the course of their careers. While we hear so much about the glass ceiling, this seemingly impenetrable, gender bias in career advancement separating professional men and women, what we don’t talk about as much is the maternal wall bias. This form of discrimination largely experienced by working mothers in the workplace perpetuates the false perception that mothers and pregnant women are less competent, productive and effective at work. This pervasive stereotype is manifest in hiring practices, promotion processes, and career growth and advancement in general.
According to a 2018 PNAS study, 43% of working moms in the Sciences, Technology, Engineering and Maths (STEM) fields dropped their full-time employment after becoming mothers, as opposed to only 23% of men after becoming parents. This statistic, along with many similar ones in other industries, illustrates well how many working mothers are pressured to leave the workplace while, or after having children. The other common alternative for working or expectant mothers is to resign themselves to the more stagnant, less growth oriented “mommy track”, which is especially prevalent in situations where they take advantage of flexible scheduling for family and childcare-related reasons.
The maternal wall bias is embedded in how society traditionally views mothers, whose primary role is assumed and expected to be in the home. This general expectation is also at the root of the deep gender imbalance felt by working mothers throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, during which mothers had to carry the brunt of the home responsibilities while quarantined along with their work duties. Whereas pre-pandemic, the pressure of required “face time” in the office left many working mothers stuck between their careers and roles as mothers; during this global health crisis, moms now had to grapple with blurred work and life boundaries, a never-ending cycle of work on the home and professional fronts, and the reversal of decades of feminist progress in favor of backtracking to antiquated traditional gender stereotypes.
As the world of work is increasingly evolving from a more traditional to a more technology-focused, remote environment, some of this bias could be alleviated by leveling the playing field for remote and hybrid employees. However, for working mothers, working from home also means grappling with the unequal gender division of labor, thus multiplying the weight on their shoulders. And as companies and organizations seek to return their employees to the office, working mothers may again face the harsh pressure of having to choose between work and motherhood…
In a society still plagued by the unfair distribution of childcare resources, as well as health, political and economic uncertainty, the maternal wall bias may constitute a much larger threat than the glass ceiling for working mothers…And maybe this should be the one gender bias we should focus more on…
Dear Working Mom is our periodic love letter to working moms everywhere, where we deal with and unpack the challenges facing mothers and offer encouragement and support…
Dear Working Mom,
Are you doing too much?
If you’re reading this, you may feel a twinge of anger as you wonder if you really have a choice to do less. Wouldn’t you take the opportunity to lessen your burden if you could? Maybe, but then again, maybe not…
In this modern era, almost post-pandemic era of the “supermom”, the mother who can defiantly do it all, is it possible that working mothers have taken on too much, willingly or not? Is it possible that after all, mothers have resigned themselves to carry an excessive burden that was always too heavy for them? And most importantly, is it still possible to put some of this burden down?
If you could only open your to-do list, and look at it with fresher eyes, with eyes outside of the harsh, demanding, and ultra-competitive reality you’re accustomed to, maybe you could see that not everything on it is truly needed. If you could take the exhaustion you feel in your body and soul, the hint of resentment and anger you experience all too often, as serious signs of imbalance and excess, you could see that what you’ve come to consider as your normal pace is actually burning you out. If you could understand that what the world considers to be a superwoman, a “successful” working mom, is a grossly ridiculous modern exaggeration of women’s and mothers’ roles, then you may be inclined to consider that maybe, only maybe, you are doing way too much…
In between all the ultra-positive messages of female independence and #girlpower, the hyper-visibility of women’s accomplishments, and the transformation of motherhood into a competitive social media-fueled performance, it’s no wonder too many working moms are overwhelmed. It’s also no wonder you feel the all too heavy pressure to do it all at the same time, from breaking the glass ceiling, raising model children, keeping up a spicy partnership, to maintaining the perfect girl squad too…Even as you’re advocating for increased gender equity, adding more action items to your already packed to-do list, you’re carrying burdens that never belonged to you entirely. All the while, you’re signing up for more kids’ activities, volunteering for additional benevolent activities, and trying to keep up with a smile on your face and a paralyzing fear of failing in your heart…
While you certainly have a lot on the various plates you’re juggling, you’re still adding on more, for fear of saying no, disappointing your loved ones, or just not being up to par. The reality is, as much as you have to do, what you don’t have to do is slip into the dangerous trap of excess, whether it’s excessive commitments, demands or challenges…
It may be time to pause and listen to your body, soul and mind, as they first whisper, then start loudly yelling, warning you of impending crisis. These warnings are not a sign of weakness or calls to increase your stamina, as you compare yourself to other working mothers who seem to do it all at all times, in the most flattering Instagram filters too. Instead, they’re nudges to ask yourself: “Am I doing too much?”
Is that extra project absolutely necessary? Are the extra kids’ activities a must? Are the extra volunteering activities on three boards, two parent-teacher associations, plus the neighborhood council indispensable? Is taking on all the grand family holiday celebrations a must?
Are you doing too much? And if so, it’s ok to release all the extra, focus on what truly matters, and breathe again, even if imperfectly so…
