Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve been holding on for a long time now, doing your absolute best, going above and beyond for everyone else…except yourself! You’ve been maintaining this façade, however successfully, of the strong woman who’s got it…Just like you’ve been taught by generations of strong women before you, whose tears no one saw, who only got half the credit for their full work, who kept plowing through the challenges and still made it happen, whatever “it” was, from a holiday mean on a shoestring budget, to “magically” paying tuition and rent every month…
Yet, the reality is, you’re crumbling…You have been for some time, without letting anyone know, not even yourself. It’s been hard, at times unbearably hard, so hard you could not even find the tears to cry or the words to explain…Prayers and affirmations are not even comforting anymore, as you look through your phone for someone to call before finally resigning yourself to handle your business alone…
This whole time, you’ve not given yourself permission to fall apart. After all, ain’t nobody got time for that! You’ve got way too much on your plate, way too many people counting on you, and way too many people expecting you to fail…So you’ve been soldiering on, not allowing yourself to feel your feelings, explore your emotions, or simply take a break…You’ve bottled it all in, the pain, the exhaustion, the trauma, the incessant worries, in the name of stoic resilience and superhuman courage, at the cost of your own sanity and mental health…Yet, instead of making things better, it’s made it all so much worse…
You’ve been taught falling apart is a bad look. Admitting you’re vulnerable is a sign of weakness and incompetence. That women can and should do it all, at the same time, whatever the cost. Yet, what if it had been the wrong message all along? What if feeling the emotions, putting down the façade, and taking a breath were actually necessary? Not to stay there and wallow in self-pity, but to observe a pause, to allow yourself to fall apart so you can pick yourself back up and rebuild afterwards, instead of endlessly running on fumes?
In this season, give yourself permission to fall apart, to feel all the “feels”, to take a break, and replenish yourself before starting over again. Because it takes courage to open up and be vulnerable. It takes compassion, for oneself and for others, to share one’s struggles so others can see they’re not alone.
Because falling apart is not weak, it’s necessary, as long as you don’t stay there…
Being vulnerable is not “not handling your business”…
Seeking help and support is not being fragile, but showing strength and courage…
Give yourself permission to fall apart…and then get back up!
Dear Working Mom is our weekly letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
How many times this week/month/year have you set aside your own needs for that of others? How many times have you felt yourself shrinking, and sometimes even a bit resentful, at not being able to have a little tiny bit of a moment to yourself, to do something you truly enjoy, or just to be and breathe? How many times have you questioned yourself, only to be overwhelmed by this constant sense of guilt that seems to follow you everywhere, all the way to the bathroom as you strive to pee alone?
Yes, you’ve got a lot on your plate. And yes, you may not exactly in a position to pick and choose what to let go of, and what to keep of your obligations and commitments, because so many people depend on you. Yet, really, how much of all this stuff on your plate do you really have to take on all at once? Are all the to-do’s on your to-do list really to do? What would happen if you let go of some of the least essential of these, if you did not work all these extra hours to treat everyone, if you did not cook all the meals but taught the kids how to, if you did ask for the help you need? What would happen if you broke yourself a little less so others can remain whole, if you dared to say “No, this doesn’t actually work for me”, or “This is what I need‘’? What would happen then?
Maybe what would happen is that world would not come to an end…That others would come to your help, honor your value, and give you what you did not realize you really never asked for out loud…Maybe the world would open up entire streams of possibilities and opportunities as its usual gracious response to all those who dare to seek more of the wholeness they’ve always had but so selflessly gave away…
Maybe if you dared to please yourself for once, or twice, or a few times, you would realize that no one is going to break…That actually those who truly love you have been waiting for you to take yourself back, to take your time back, to take your wholeness back, so they too could learn through you to own their wholeness…That giving of oneself does not equate giving all of you because when you give all of you, you have nothing left to give…
Dear Working Mom, I hope today, and every day, even if it’s at the end of the day, or when the first rays of sun shine through the window of your soul, that you decide to put yourself first. I hope you don’t feel shame pleasing yourself once, twice, or many times, not at the expense of others, but at the expense of hiding your true, beautiful and unique wholeness to a world that needs it more than it will ever need your sacrifice…
As working moms, many, we’re on the front line of caring for loved ones and families in times of crisis, such as the coronavirus pandemic we’re currently facing. This also may mean we may not have much time to care for ourselves, in between handling childcare, homeschooling, remote work, and household chores, among others. Considering many working moms already do not invest enough time in self-care, situations of crisis only worsen things. Many of us feel we don’t have enough time, don’t deserve it, or feel it’s an indulgence we’d feel guilty to take advantage of.
As a working mom myself, I hesitate to take time for myself for self-care when considering the needs of my own family, especially in times of crisis. When I do, it’s with a lagging sense of guilt that may prevent me from enjoying it altogether. I know many working moms feel the same, and it’s especially prevalent when a crisis occurs. However, it’s important to constantly remind ourselves that our well-being doesn’t only serve us, but serves our families, loved ones and anyone else who may come in contact with us.
As counter-intuitive as it may sound, prioritizing self-care in times of crisis is crucial for working moms. As we handle so many responsibilities at home and at work, our vulnerability resulting from lack of self-care directly affects those around us.
Here are a few ways to care for yourself as a working mom in times of crisis:
Prioritize your mental health
Periods of crisis tend to heighten our anxiety, worry and sense of despair, along with any tendency we may have to mentally suffer. Any negativity around these, especially through social media, may reinforce it. Our mental health as working moms is put on the test during times of crisis, as we may neglect it to care for others and assume our many responsibilities. Yet, without a healthy mindset, it’s extremely challenging to keep up with raising kids, working, uplifting our families and taking care of our loved ones and households.
Prioritizing our mental health may mean rising up earlier or taking time out for activities such as praying, meditating, or journaling. It may also be a matter of reaching out to friends and family members, seeking therapy (online therapy is an option), reading or watching your favorite show.
Schedule your self-care
In between all our obligations and duties, it may be challenging to find time for self-care, which is why scheduling it is necessary. Adding self-care, whether it’s an exercise session, a therapy appointment (live or online), or just some time to read or relax, can make all the difference.
For working moms, it may mean blocking our calendars to resist the temptation of overworking, and informing our families that we need to care for ourselves.
Take breaks from work
In times of crisis, we may be tempted to overwork or give in too much of ourselves to our responsibilities. Scheduling breaks, such as a formal lunch break instead of just eating while working, can go a long way.
While we may be tempted to work overtime, it’s important to discipline ourselves to take breaks. Using a timer or an electronic reminder to do so can help, as well as setting firm boundaries.
Take a break from the kids
Yes, we love our kids, but we also need a break from time to time, even from our most precious loved ones. This may be a matter of having a partner or trusted family member or friend relieve us for a few hours, while we rest and recharge. Or it may be building a family schedule including individual activities for the kids that allows us to have some breathing moments here and there.
It’s also a welcome break for our kids, who can learn to develop their independence.
Ask for help
Last but not least, as brave as we may be, learning to ask for help is an important part of our self-care. Whether it’s asking our partner to support us in a way that truly helps us, requesting assistance at work, or seeking support from professionals such as therapists for instance.
Overall, periods of crisis should not prevent us from caring for ourselves, even in the most basic way, as working moms. Whether it’s prioritizing our mental health, scheduling self-care activities, taking breaks from work and even our kids and asking for help, self-care during times of challenge should be a priority.
So the other day my little cousin stopped by after getting off from one of her many jobs. Like many college students, Ina juggles a full class load, plus a couple of side jobs here and there. As I watched her quickly change from her scrubs to her Walgreens uniform, and listened to her talk about how crazy busy her days are, I was taken back to my time as a student when I was trying to keep up with school work, regular work and the never-ending work of figuring myself out….No wonder Rihanna’s tune “Work, work, work” rings a bell or two…Anyhow…
“How do you keep up, Ina, you’re way too busy!”, I told her, as she looked at me smiling.
“It’s actually fun, I bring a different side of me to each job, and I’m never bored. Kinda like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing..”
Kinda like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, without the whole good and evil side that is…but with the perks of exploring her different talents, interests and different facets of her personality at…work! Or the freedom of bouncing back from whatever life brings at you, from moves across the country to ugly break-ups…How many of us can say we get to switch it up like this from the comfort of our cute cubicles?
What if you had the opportunity to get “unstuck” from a rigid, seemingly one-way career and instead be able to explore and experience your various interests in your career? What if the same career that tends to feel so static at times could offer you the opportunity to expand your horizons, express your many talents and cater to your many sides? What if you could re-invent yourself all throughout your career?
Ok, I hear you, we live in the real world here…Bills have to get paid, shoes bought, and (some shred) of sanity saved…When the mortgage’s due, ain’t no one exactly thinking about re-inventing anything else but your (slightly depleted) bank account, right..Yet, we also spend the majority of our lives at work; and the only thing worse than the thought of not being able to be all we can be for eight (or more) hours a day is never having dessert again…And who wants that?
Re-inventing your career is not just about deciding to quit your boring Big Corporate job to hike up the Himalayas. Or giving your notice to start your business, pursue your passion, or be a stay-at-home parent for a while. It’s not always about the big stuff. It can just be that you fell in love, fell out of love, got a divorce, or just found out you have six months to live. Or that you walking into work makes you want to hide under the sheet covers, or that everyone at your job just flat out hates you. I mean, life happens…
Whatever life throws at you or you get up and decide to do, here are three stages to doing your very own “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” thing at work, and re-invent your career in a way that ‘s best suited to you:
Stop and look around.
No, really, take a good hard look at yourself and where you stand in life and in your career. Is this where you expected to be at this stage of your life and career? Are you fulfilled and satisfied, or do grow restless by the day? Do you feel like there are still things you haven’t gotten the opportunity to accomplish? Where are you now, and where do you want to go?
The first step to a career, and by extension, life re-invention starts within. It starts with all those questions you really don’t want to answer, but have to face as some point or another. Those are the “tough” questions that let you know whether it’s time to do something, and change the status quo, or just ride the fantastic wave of success and fulfillment you’re on (in which case you can skip this post and go back to texting with Oprah).
What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
After the first introspective stage where you stopped and took a serious look at where you stand, ask yourself this one question: “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” Believe me, the first time you utter the words, you’ll start imagining all kinds of executive meetings with Beyonce, and downing as much fried ice cream as your stomach can humanely muster…
No, but seriously, what are those things you’ve dreamt of doing in your career that you’ve never exactly had the guts to go for? For some, it could be asking for a promotion, raise or just telling your boss what you really think (let’s think about this last one some more, please). For others, it could be finally starting to write that book, or get going on that side hustle.
While it can be tempting to make grand projects as you answer this question, try and be realistic. The biggest mistake we make when re-inventing our careers is going too fast, too far away from their experience. It’s OK to go for an 180-degree change, but make sure you’re extra-committed and that you’re making gradual progress.
Sharing is caring!
Especially when trying to re-invent your career…Keeping your journey through career re-invention to yourself can hurt you more than it can benefit you. It can feel pretty lonely to start over, or branch out into something different, or go through a challenging life period with minimal support. If you have connections into the new field or business you may be going into, don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for advice or even mentorship.
It’s also a great idea to test-drive your concepts and projects before launching into a new venture or career. Having different perspectives and opinions can help you clarify things in your head, and even come up with better ideas. You can even develop your own “re-invention narrative”, a quick synopsis you can use to explain why you’re making a career change.
However, be careful who and when you talk to other people. Don’t run the risk of looking flaky by sharing your plans if you’re not quite ready to commit . And if you can’t exactly trust the office’s Chatty Cathy, you can just chat about the latest Nordstrom sales…
Have you re-invented yourself in your career? How did you go about it?
“Picky dresser” = little person who compulsively insists on picking their clothes at the expense of reasonable timing, style or reason.
If you’ve ever dealt with a “picky-dresser” under the age of 7, you know what positioning looks (and sounds) like. You know this apparently “little” person will emphasize the distinguishing features of the outfit of their choice for the day, and how said (strange) outfit may give them super-powers to actually behave well that day. You also know that they will not quit until they have promoted the merits of mixed color socks and shorts in the dead of winter…and actually gotten their way, at the expense of your sanity, and whatever ounce of patience you had left for the day week…
I happen to have one of those “picky dressers” at home. And after the initial aggravation and (failed) attempts at tipping the parenting scale to my advantage (did I mention it failed), what I quickly realized is that there’s more to learn than to lose here.
Standing out at work, or in the school yard, or against your parents’ will is less a matter of being picky than making the choice to strategically position yourself. Not just to stand out from your competition or put your unique qualities on display, but also and most importantly to show that you’re ready for the next level in your career.
Ask: Any “picky dresser” will tell you that unless you ask for it, you won’t get to wear mismatched socks with unicorns on it. And that applies to getting the promotion too. It took me a few years to understand this concept. As many others in the corporate arena, I believed if you work hard, you will get what should rightfully be yours, the promotion, the perks, and the extra coffee to boot. And while this may have been and may still hold true in certain corporate environments, there are many more factors involved in one’s career advancement, one of them being asking for what you really want out of your career.
Build Your Case: Have you ever witnessed a first-grader defending their picky clothing choices? If you have, you know they will pull any imagined trick out of their young “brain bags” to come up with the most plausible explanation as to why it would be against any common sense to wear normal clothes. My first grader told me she should get to pick her clothes because when she does, she keeps them clean which creates less laundry which in turn allows Mommy to write on her computer. Didn’t I tell you these little people are too smart for their own good? And they always win…In the same way, learn to build a solid case for you and your career. Argue your position, and always show that at the end of the day, you are an asset to your team and company. Never fail to tell your manager why he/she should invest in you, and how your contributions can help her/him shine!
Do the best you can, right where you are: Whenever my first grader consciously starts picking up after herself or does her chores exceptionally well, I know she’s after something. Likewise, if you’re after a promotion or particular opportunity at work, start with doing your current job exceptionally well. Why would your manager consider you for advancement if you’re not hitting high marks with your current responsibilities? And why would Mommy allow you to show off your mismatched socks with unicorns on it if you haven’t picked up after yourself, done your homework, and vehemently argued to stop the parental discrimination against “all pink” wardrobes?
If you’ve been wondering how to position yourself for career success, look no further than the picky dresser next door. Ask for what you want, build a solid case, and hit all high marks as you perform your current responsibilities.
Have you or will you be applying these tests to your own career? Please chime in the comments below.
