The story was repeating itself…It was only the third day back to school after the New Year, and the kids had missed the morning school bus…Again…The morning tension was at its usual peak, what with breakfasts barely eaten, work schedules now thrown off, and moods in need of a serious overhaul, all before 7am…At this point, with one teenager, one almost-teen, an unruly dog, and about ten loads of laundry in tow, I felt our family was in need of more than the usual New Year resolutions and goals. We needed something stronger, better, some sort of a purpose or mission that would create a shift in this season of our family…This is where our journey to build a family mission statement began…
As a working mom, the New Year rarely feels like a fresh, clean slate. After all, last year’s laundry is still lingering in the dryer, glitter from the Christmas gifts’ overpriced wrapping paper is still littering the dirty floors, and no one is checking the bank account balance until things somewhat settle…With each passing year as a mom, family resolutions become increasingly obsolete, slowly replaced by the hurried frenzy of the first days back at work and in school…Each year, as I stare at the sheer immensity of Motherhood, I keep asking myself: “So…where do I begin?”
Have you ever thought of building your own family’s mission statement? Have you ever looked at your closest loved ones, and wondered as you were picking up dirty socks off the floor, if there could be a sense of a common mission among you? I know I have, in between two loads of laundry, grading mid-term papers and emptying the dishwasher…
If like me, you and your family are in the process of building your family’s mission statement, these 3 steps may help:
Clarify your vision of your family
How do you envision your family and family life? If you were to close your eyes and picture your idea of what your family would be like, what do you see?
Too often, we don’t have a clear idea, or any idea at all, of our vision for our family. Neither do we talk about it. Growing up in Senegal, West Africa, in a single parent home, there was no time even to begin to think about having a vision for our family. How was that going to help with anything?
Fast-forward a few decades in my own family, as an African immigrant in America, stuck in between the reality of American families and the history of African families. To say there was confusion was an understatement…Clearing this confusion required coming up with a clear vision for our family, not just for me, but for each and every one of us.
Define (or redefine) your values and principles as a family.
What are your family’s values and principles? What’s important to you as a family? What are you and your family members passionate about? What do you love to do together? When are you and your family members at your best, or at your worst? In what ways can you help better others in the family, and vice-versa? How do you want to be perceived as a family?
Defining or re-defining your values and principles as a family can help put everyone on the same wavelength, especially when it feels like everyone in the family has been speaking a different language. It’s especially powerful when children and young adults express their values and principles for the family, as they may not often get the opportunity to do so.
Reflect on your family’s impact
What contributions would you want to make as a family? What impact are you envisioning your family making on others? What have you been struggling to achieve as a family?
Reflecting on your contributions, achievements and desired impact as a family can help explore the goals ahead of you. Not just any goals, but rather the goals aligned with the unique vision, values and principles for your own unique family.
I don’t know about you, but my family is on a mission. We’re not a perfect family, nor do we aspire to be. Yet, in the midst of the imperfect, beautiful chaos that is our life, we’re striving to share a common mission and purpose we can walk towards.
Every year, the resolution frenzy takes over, as people all around the world make a list, however much realistic (or not), of goals they plan to accomplish during the new year. And yes, I was “people” for the longest time (and I still am)…
Making a list of changes, however unrealistic, at the beginning of the year, somehow feels like a relief when faced with the unpredictable newness of another turn around the sun. It feels good to etch ideals of achievement, goals and behaviors on a virgin slate of time… As if laying these down on paper, or even uttering them in the atmosphere of a still pregnant future, would make them magically turn into reality…
For many years, as an overachieving perfectionist, a mom, wife, professional, I would partake in the same resolution ritual, peppered with slight variations in form, loud empowering affirmations and frail temporary faith here and there. Yet every year, it would be the same walk down the hallway of resolution shame, barely hanging on by a thread of watered down excuses… until the following year, that is…
At the end of last year, I finally, and quite ungracefully bowed out of the annual resolution dance, less out of an urge to do better and more out of sheer exhaustion. I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired… The same goals and strategies that have been hammered on us from year to year, from “waking up earlier” to “getting more organized”, not to mention “making it to the gym this year”, no longer worked for this mama juggling work, kids, home and everything in between…Especially not in the post-COVID era of scarce childcare resources and non-existent parental support…
I needed something else to keep me going…I had just completed a terminal degree that left me running out of steam, while raising a teenager and a tween, and pursuing an academic career I am passionate about. I was out of resolutions, out of stamina, and in serious need of something stronger than black coffee with a spritz of lemon juice and a touch of cinnamon. I needed a mission, beginning with a mission statement…
In his acclaimed book, “The 7 habits of highly effective people”, Stephen Covey discusses the importance of building our own mission statements, whether personal, team or family-oriented. He delves into the power of mission statements when discussing the second habit entitled “Begin with the end in mind”, out of the 7 habits defined in the book.
According to Stephen Covey, a mission statement is about “ defining the personal, moral and ethical guidelines within which you can most happily express and fulfill yourself.” The way I see it, a mission statement is the clear, concise expression of one’s purpose, priorities, along with the actions to live a purposeful, fulfilling, and successful life. It’s a compass of sorts to keep us on the path that is right for us…
As I stepped into the New Year, the idea of a compass, a sense of direction in an otherwise increasingly directionless world, sounded so much more appealing than a set of empty, albeit widely popular, resolutions. As a mom, career woman, wife, along with the other hats I, like so many other women, wear day in and out, it took me decades to realize that popular strategies and mainstream advice do not work for me. As a matter of fact, from talking to so many other women, they hardly work for many, if not most, working women and moms. Hitting the gym three to four times a week, as much of a sound resolution as it may be, is not as practicable for a mom struggling to barely make it to work after dropping off the kids to school and daycare. Neither does the 5am club be much of an option for an exhausted working mom in dire need of sleep. Instead, a sense of direction, a compass that could be adapted to my own purpose, life, circumstances and chaotic kitchen, may just be what the doctor ordered…
So this year, I’m skipping the resolutions, and embracing my own mission. My own mission statement, to be more exact…One as unique as my purpose, priorities, and goals…If like myself, you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of making (and breaking) the same popular resolutions, here are three steps I can suggest to begin the process, inspired from Stephen Covey’s mission statement builder:
Hone in on your Vision
Who do I want to be? What may sound like such a simplistic question holds so many answers as to the direction to take in a new year. Even if the vision is not yet clear, just delineating the character we may envision for ourselves can get us started in the process of framing our mission. This includes digging into what we are passionate about, what drives us, what we can imagine ourselves doing without the time and resource constraints we usually face, especially as working women and moms. It’s visualizing our life’s journey, and using it as the start of the mapping of our own personal missions.
When I first started crafting my mission statement, reflecting on my vision and who I want to be turned out to be quite the interesting exercise. I had anticipated struggling with even beginning to lay down my vision in words. Yet, in the absence of distracting lofty goals and resolutions, it became simpler and so much more enjoyable for me to see in the eye of my mind, through the things I enjoy doing and the childhood dreams I still have, what my vision is.
What is your vision of who you want to be? What if time, resources, and other constraints were no object? What if you cleaned the crowded slate of popular goals and commonly accepted objectives to re-focus on what truly matters to you?
Identify your values and principles
What are your values and principles? What would you like to make a priority going forward? Who are the people who influence you? What are the physical, social, emotional, mental and spiritual activities that you value the most?
Delving into what I value the most was surprisingly refreshing, as opposed to setting far-fetched objectives that raise the already high level of pressure we’re under. It also brought light to many of the things I have been doing that are not in alignment with my values and principles. In a way, it confirmed the sense of direction I had started getting from defining my vision in the first step.
Focus on future contributions and achievements
What can you do going forward to contribute to those around you? How can you use your gifts and talents to do so? When are you at your best to do so? To complete the sense of direction you have started getting from honing in on your vision and defining your values and principles, you can begin focusing on future contributions.
Getting to this third and last part was not quite as laborious as I thought it would be. Armed with a clearer vision and sense of my own values, I was inspired to see how these could serve those I love deeply, and the world at large. I was encouraged by documenting my own gifts and talents, and the concrete ways these could be of service.
What struck me through this process is that actual achievements and contributions only came after refining my vision, values and principles. Unlike the traditional, and popular way of setting goals, this process first led me on a foundational self-introspection journey, before laying any goals down. It did not leave me to fend for myself against far-fetched, misaligned objectives, almost setting me up for unavoidable failure. Instead, it provided direction and guidance.
As I went through each one of these steps to build my own mission statement, I experienced a sense of relief and clarity that resolutions and goals never provided me. For once, I felt in my lane, aligned with the vision that was mine, the values that I believe in, and the contributions I feel inspired to make with the strengths and desires I have. For once, I did not feel like I had to meet some elusive ideal of excellence that was not in line with my authentic self. I felt like I did not just set a destination with no idea as to how I could possibly get there. Instead, I had some sort of a map, or at least the foundation of it, that would lead me back to the only destination worth getting to: myself.
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The holiday season is certainly a busy season for working women and moms, what with planning family and friends’ celebrations, gift-giving and meeting year-end deadlines. For busy working women and moms, Black Friday can be the perfect opportunity to take an early approach for the holidays and save on deals for the whole family. From a financial perspective, especially during inflationary periods, planning ahead can relieve a significant burden on families. From a personal, family and community perspective, taking advantage of early deals can save valuable time and stress.
I personally know first-hand how stressful the holidays can be, and have learned with time to plan earlier for year-end festivities. An important part of my early planning process involves curating a list of available sales on Black Friday, whether in person or online.
This year, here are my 10 best Amazon Black Friday sales for working women and moms curated from my own list of must-haves and luxuries for the home, the family and the office.
In this podcast episode, I discuss making peace with ambition as working women and moms. For the longest time, ambition has been a double-edged sword for working women and moms. However, in this post-COVID pandemic area, women are redefining ambition for themselves…
Listen in!
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“You don’t need to take that certification, you’re a mom now, just take care of your kids…”
I remember these words like it was yesterday. While they were intended to be well-meaning coming from one of my loved ones, they cut like a knife. I had been trying to get my Certified Public Accounting license for a few months now, and had failed miserably after the first few attempts. I was on the verge of giving up….Had it not been for my wonderfully supportive husband, I probably would have…
This story is not unique. It’s the story of so many ambitious moms trying hard to juggle motherhood, career and everything in between. On one hand, they have so much merit going after their dreams and purpose while taking care of their families, often at the expense of their own well-being. On the other, they are often discouraged to do so, and even criticized and humiliated in the process.
Despite a growing number of working mothers in the U.S. workforce, even after the pandemic, research confirms the discrimination and negative stereotypes against working moms still persist at the hiring stage and beyond. Yet, working moms are still just as ambitious as women without children. They are also returning to work in greater numbers after the pandemic and using the advantage of remote and flexible work, as well as leveraging digital technology, to juggle work and family life. This is in addition to the general ambition bias against women in general, and working moms in particular. Women, and mothers in particular, are often slammed for being ambitious and stepping out of the traditional roles of wife and mother. Actually, being a working mom has been proven to benefit children.
What’s a working mom to do to face the double-edged sword of ambition?
Here are a few steps that can help:
Clarify your values:
Clarifying your values and priorities is the first step to fight this double-edged sword. What is truly important to you? What impact do you want to make on your family, community and the world at large? What do you want your legacy to be? Who do you truly want to be? These are some of the questions that will help you clarify your values and priorities, and help you move in the direction of what truly matters to your authentic self.
Assume your choice:
Even after clarifying what my values and priorities were, I was still in denial for a long time. It is important to assume your choice as an ambition working mother, especially when faced with opposition from the outer world. Accepting yourself and your career as well as your life choices is absolutely imperative when it comes to fighting the stigma of ambition as a working mom.
Create your own brand of motherhood:
Last but not least, clarifying your values and priorities and assuming your choice will lead you to create your own brand of motherhood. What kind of mother do you see yourself being? How do you mother best?
The reality is, ambition truly is a double-edged sword for working moms, both on the professional and on the personal and community front. Yet it is one that moms can use to improve themselves, inspire their family and create a new brand of motherhood for themselves.
How do you fight the double-edged sword of ambition as a working mom?
