There are few books I’ve read that have made me feel like my experience as a working woman and a mother in general, and a Black professional woman and mom in particular, is universal. Seldom have I felt more at home than in the pages of Michelle Obama’s latest book “The Light We Carry”. Rarely have I felt more seen, more touched, less invisible than inside her no-nonsense words, her lived experience, the shelter of her unique yet so universal testimony…
Yet, this is no common woman whose life I was reading the bold and brilliant strokes of. This woman, this role model to the whole world, also happens to be the first Black woman first Lady of the United States of America, an educated, profoundly and powerfully human woman. A woman who’s been praised, but also critiqued, denigrated and misunderstood…Yet a woman whose light she so graciously allows to shine on the rest of us, even as she gently summons us to let our own shine…
As a Black woman born and raised in Senegal, West Africa, an immigrant on US soil, someone at the margins of different worlds, cultures, even languages, I could so relate to her voice also suspended between worlds. Worlds transcending generations of past slaves, into a middle-class home on Euclid Avenue in Chicago, to the heights of Ivy league schools and prestigious law firms, into the noble service of the highest office of the land at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Worlds that may seem foreign to a little African girl like myself, an immigrant, yet that rang a familiar bell through every single word, every heavy phrase of a loaded yet interestingly familiar read. The reason this book felt so familiar to me, is because it speaks of the universal familiar experience of being a human being, a woman, a mother at the fringes of worlds colliding and coming together in an unending dance of life and experience…
How I could relate to the strong sense of achievement brewing inside the young woman on Euclid Avenue, as she felt in her a call for the things, places and universes many did not think she belonged in. How I could understand the determination to transcend barriers in her way, coupled with the desire to do it in an authentic, real manner that also made room for the things that truly matter, like family, love, health. And how I could sense the deep longing for normalcy in the midst of the uncommon, the cultivation of the ordinary in the middle of the extraordinary, the duality between the highs and lows of those of us who dare to do the work of our lives…
More than anything, what I could relate to was the feeling of constantly navigating different worlds as a Black woman at work and in life. This constant need to adjust, recalibrate, prepare and do the work. It’s a feeling so many Black women experience in the corporate and professional world day in and day out, one they learn to carry with them as fuel rather than deterrent to their own lights. One they fight to not let steal their authenticity, their heart, hope and soul, as they stand on the shoulders of the women and men who came before. Those same shoulders that made it possible for us to wear our natural hair at work, to create our own businesses, to be more vulnerable, more raw, more human…I could hear and feel through her words the ache of others’ perceptions when someone who wasn’t supposed to make it does in fact break through the doors of success, when the cost of destiny is leaving your home and family to pursue new dreams, when all you have is your faith, hope and fight to turn the rejection, frustration and anger into the healing power to keep moving forward.
As a mother reading her, I could so relate to the urge to protect our children, counterbalanced by the need to allow them to fly on their own. One of the parts that most edified me in the book, is the part when she was describing her mother. Learning about her own mother teaching both she and her brother to be more independent, taught me about the more challenging yet more impactful side of mothering. The side that requires us to prepare rather than hinder our children from the world. The part that describes our job not just as a rosy cloud of love and kisses, but as a tough armoring of the souls entrusted to us. The side that requires us to buy our kids an alarm clock rather than having them depend on us to get out of bed in the morning. By the way, I did buy my son an alarm clock, finally…
As a wife and partner reading her, I could so relate to her account of the reality of marriage. Not a reality mired in roses and visions of eternal romance, but one of practical love, love that stands the test of time, love that takes into account the differences in people, backgrounds and destinies. The no-nonsense love of our forefathers and mothers, who shared a common purpose, a common goal, those who weathered storms and somehow came out on the other side…What it also made me realize is the imbalance of marriage, the uneven nature of partnership at its core, and how to navigate the reality of it with a long-term view in mind while still keeping our end of the bargain somewhat intact.
Reading Michelle Obama’s words, I could feel a growing sense of hope that the work is not, after all in vain. The work of motherhood, the work of marriage, the work of Purpose, and ultimately, the work of being human. While I could identify more closely to her experience as a Black woman, wife, mother, sister, friend, it was really the universality of her story that she refers to, that is left in me. A universality that says, as she herself explains it so well, that at the end of the day, we have more in common than we have differences. That as women and mothers, the threads of our existences and experiences are so intertwined, so similar despite all the apparent complexities of our individual stories, that we can’t help but hear each other even in the midst of the noise of our current times. Most importantly, we can’t help but see each other, see the light we carry, the light we give, the light we receive…
Although it is not a tax, the “pink tax” refers to a pricing structure favoring women’s goods and services. According to BALANCE, women pay around 13 percent more for personal care items like body wash, shampoo, lotions, and perfume than men. Even razors targeted at women were 9 percent more expensive. Pink is a common hue for packaging products for women , thus the term “pink tax.”
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, full-time American women earn 83 cents for every dollar earned by males. Women have been impacted by this discrepancy all of their lives, especially women of color, from the beginning of their professions until retirement. Women also earn less in Social Security and pensions due to lower lifetime incomes than males. This is compounded by the fact women are expected to pay much more for identical products during their lifetimes than males due to lower salaries and higher expenditures on personal care items.
As a result, women tend to make less money overall due to the gender wage gap, yet still pay more than their male counterparts for the same products due to the pink tax. The fact that women often live longer than males adds an even heavier weight to these statistics.
Indeed, the average lifespan for American women is 80.5 years compared to 75 years for men. As such, women are indeed being paid less and charged more. Additionally, they also routinely endure more significant levels of stress, anxiety, social inequity, and lower income than men. This creates massive problems for women, as they end up having fewer savings to pay off debt or build emergency savings.
Another compounding factor of this blatant inequity is that while men tend to accumulate more debt than women, their financial means allow them to take prompt action to pay off debt through debt consolidation or any other debt relief options. Yet, the same thing can’t be said about women who tend to have less savings and need to be more careful about their finances and tax.
The Pink Tax Repeal Act, which “prohibits the selling of equivalent products or services that are charged differently depending on gender,” was reintroduced by Rep. Jackie Speier in June 2021. Since reopening the dialogue, some states have started campaigns to eliminate discriminatory taxes. Twenty-four states have abolished the luxury tax on products used for period care. Gender-based pricing in services like dry cleaning and hair treatment is prohibited in New York City, Miami Dade County in Florida, and California. However, these states may charge higher fees if the service demands more significant time, effort, or expense.
How to avoid paying too much on pink tax
Although the pink tax and inflation won’t go away soon, women may still take action to avoid paying too much on certain products. After all, a penny saved is a penny earned. Here are a few ways to avoid the pink tax:
Purchase gender-neutral goods
Depending on how much you favor nicely curved pink razors or flowery-scented deodorants, as well as how much math you have the time and energy to do when shopping at CVS after work, this may be simpler in principle than in practice. Since men’s and women’s items sometimes come in different sizes, you can’t always just compare costs. Instead, you should calculate the prices per ounce if it is not already stated and compare these.
Consider purchasing products that don’t require two different versions—one for men and one for women—such as shampoos, soaps, and razors. There are also several unscented men’s or gender-neutral bath products available on the market if you don’t want to “smell like a guy.”
Even certain perfumed goods for guys might appeal to ladies. Similar items are subject to the “pink tax,” although occasionally, brand or variety has a more significant impact on price. Many female-focused online merchants also provide pink tax-free personal-care goods via subscription programs if you’d rather stay with feminine alternatives. You may reduce pink tax costs with this method.
Purchase garments that don’t require dry cleaning
Purchase clothing that can be machine-washed, hand-washed, and line-dried, such as no-iron blouses. Even in states like California or Washington, DC, where it is illegal to discriminate against customers based on gender at establishments like hair salons or dry cleaners, you will still be charged extra if you want your long hair trimmed or a nice shirt cleaned.
However, it certainly isn’t easy to find apparel that is initially less expensive, especially if you’re plus-size. There is also limited recourse you have to stop certain shops from charging more for women’s clothing than men’s, other than to protest when you notice it happening.
Purchase reusable menstrual supplies
One of the most sinister aspects of the “pink tax” is that it forces women to purchase goods that men don’t need at higher prices, such as sanitary supplies for instance. While shops or manufacturers cannot legally be held responsible for this disparity, there certainly is a push out there to level the playing field in this regard. Indeed, there is a campaign to make menstruation products free for women, as well as a movement to outlaw sales taxes on tampons as they discriminate against women.
In the meantime, you may save money by utilizing reusable products like the Diva Cup, sea sponge tampons, reusable pads, or Thinx period underwear. In addition to being more environmentally friendly than single-use items, some of these goods could also be healthier to use.
Reduce your use of pricey makeup
This is likely something you already do if you feel at ease doing it. It’s also another example of how gender standards cost women more than males.
Complain against discrimination
Speak up if you see a particular manufacturer or merchant attempting to impose absurd gender pricing on unaware customers! Make a call to the corporate office or the manager. Post a review of the company on social media, contact the consumer protection office in your area, and inform your friends.
In practice, it could be more challenging to outlaw gender-based pricing for goods than services since so many variables are at play, such as packaging and marketing variations, that are acceptable justifications for corporations to charge more. Yet, businesses may change or modify some of their practices if customers cease purchasing particular goods or protest.
Develop greater discernment
It also helps being informed about price discrepancies, and going above and above to locate the most significant goods for the money, regardless of packaging. Speaking up if they notice unfair pricing is another alternative. A powerful way to voice dissatisfaction is to complain on social media, in consumer groups, to local lawmakers, and to the business as well. Consumer behavior can provide manufacturers with valuable information.
When shopping, check if there is a pricing difference between the women’s and men’s versions. If there is, check if the quantity and composition are similar. Take a photo of both goods and include the hashtag #AxThePinkTax if they are identical.
Conclusion
It’s important to remember that the pink tax is just one example of how women can be unfairly disadvantaged in the marketplace. By being aware of these issues and addressing them, we can work towards a more equitable society for everyone. It’s high time women set concrete financial goals and work on them.
Author Bio: Attorney Loretta Kilday has more than 36 years of litigation and transactional experience, specializing in business, collection, and family law. She frequently writes on various financial and legal matters. She is a graduate of DePaul University with a Juris Doctor degree and a spokesperson for Debt Consolidation Care (DebtCC) online debt relief forum. Please connect with her on LinkedIn for further information.
PS: Please note this post contains affiliate links.
Let me ask you: When was the last time you decided to tidy up the kitchen yourself because no one else at home would do it, or do it right for that matter? How about taking over the task of organizing lunches and get-togethers in your department at work? Or even taking over the planning of events in your friend group? If you’re reading this and nodding, you probably have been the victim of weaponized incompetence, and a willing victim at that…
Weaponized incompetence was coined on TikTok and is routinely defined as the act of pretending to be incompetent at a task in order to get out of it. Usually, this is done so as to get someone else (aka the weaponized incompetence victim) to do it. It can play out in any context, from household chores to friendship-related tasks, to family dynamics and definitely work environments.
For working women and moms, this is a phenomenon that definitely plays out in the home, where mothers tend to take on the majority of the parenting and household labor three times as much as their partners, according to a McKinsey poll. This became even more apparent, and traumatic for working women and mothers, during the COVID pandemic. The pandemic also brought to light the heavy invisible labor of women leaders, from supporting Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) efforts to providing employees with emotional backing or taking on unofficial mentoring and administrative projects.
The reality about weaponized incompetence, as much as too many of us unfortunately would prefer to justify and excuse it, is that it’s nothing but an attempt to manipulate others, namely women, into doing more work than their fair share. The real danger about it as related to gender, is that it has the unfortunate tendency to victimize women and girls, seeping into their education and socialization from an early age Although it’s embedded in the artificial, man-made fabric of gender stereotypes and societal expectations, it can be addressed and fought against. Here are a few ways to do so:
Call it out!
One of the first weapons against weaponized competence is the courage to call it out, just as it is, and for what it is. Often, the perpetrators are weaponized, or strategic incompetence, do not fully realize its negative impact on its victims.
The woman leader at work who takes on unwanted DEI or administrative tasks is piling on additional labor, hours and stress that are taking a toll on her well-being and even the quality of her work. The wife who has to shoulder the majority of household tasks is crumbling under the pressure, not able to be present with her family, attend to her work and take care of herself. The friend who is constantly expected to plan all outings is prevented from enjoying the latter because of all the work she has to put in. Calling it out is the key to starting the process of fighting it!
Have an honest conversation
The first time I mentioned the concept of weaponized incompetence to my husband, he was quite taken aback. As a matter of fact, when I mention it to my male friends and family members, they’re often surprised and even tickled a bit. Yet, the more we talk about it, the more we can come to a mutual understanding.
Having an honest conversation about the load taken on by victims of weaponized incompetence, mostly working women and moms, is vital. Whether it’s discussing the mental load of planning and scheduling everything on the home front, to the time and physical load of handling household-related tasks, to the pressure of doing too much at work, being honest about the consequences and impact of weaponized incompetence is crucial. The more we pretend we’re ok taking on more responsibilities, more work with less time and resources, the less others realize what is really happening. Hence the need to have frank conversations about what this means, and how to more equitably share the load…
Now release control!
Yet, it’s not enough to just call it out and have an honest talk. Last but not least, implementing solutions discussed and releasing control are key. As working women and moms especially, we are so accustomed to doing it all that releasing control and allowing others to step in can be particularly hard. As a recovering perfectionist, letting go of the need to have things done my way was one of the biggest challenges in this process, yet one of the most freeing parts of it. It also happened to benefit my entire family, as it became an opportunity for my partner and children to learn and even start enjoying some of the tasks they had been running away from previously.
Surrendering and releasing control, even if the initial outcome if not exactly to our taste, may take some substantial trial and error. However, it is what ultimately can, and will free us, from having to suffer from weaponized incompetence.
All in all, weaponized incompetence is a phenomenon which has always existed, although it was only recently coined on social media. More than just an unfair allocation of labor, be it personal, relational or professional, it is really rooted in the patriarchal, power-based construct of our societies. The good thing is, as we’re gaining more awareness of it and its negative impact, we’re also able to counteract it in constructive and beneficial ways, not just for its victims, but for the education and bettering of all.
The New Year is prime time to set goals, including our financial goals. While many tend to think about general life and career goals, few really devise an approach to tackle their finances in the new year. Hence why many find themselves repeating the same negative cycles of financial loss year after year…
As working women and moms, setting appropriate and achievable financial goals is all the more important as many of us tend to manage the finances in our homes. This is without mentioning the many single working women and moms who are sole earners in their households. Furthermore, as moms, we’re often partly or entirely responsible for the financial education of our children, hence compelling us to have a solid financial vision for the future.
I know in my own experience, it has taken me quite some time to get in the habit of setting strong financial goals every year. Despite my business background and growing up in a single-parent household where money had to be carefully managed, setting financial goals didn’t always come to mind. It is with time, experience, and through conversations with fellow women that I actually started paying more attention to the importance of financial objectives in our lives and careers.
If you’re thinking of setting financial goals in the New Year, here are three I would like to suggest to your attention:
Develop a more positive money mindset
As women often socialized to aspire to less in terms of remuneration (hello wage gap!) and money in general, we may be inclined to think of finances and money in a negative way. As a matter of fact, many may develop a scarcity mindset when it comes to money, not feeling like we deserve to be paid fairly in the workplace, or that we should not aspire to reaching higher levels in terms of position and compensation. When we add to it suffering from imposter syndrome as working women, having a positive money mindset can become a daunting prospect. Many women also suffer from being raised in families and environments where money was not discussed, let alone with the women in the family.
All these factors, and so many others, speak to the importance of mindset when it comes to setting financial goals. Developing a positive money mindset rooted in abundance instead of scarcity is the first step to achieving any desired level of financial success.
Yet, how do we go from a negative, or lukewarm money mindset at best, to a positive one? It’s a change that requires re-training our minds to think differently. One of my favorite tools to re-train my money mindset is through financial education, mostly financial books geared at women, such as “Women and Money” by Suze Orman or “Get good with money” by Tiffany Aliche.
Understand and own your money
The second financial goal that I’d like to propose is that of understanding and owning your own money. Too often, we have no, or very little of an idea, of the ins and outs of our own money. As busy working women and mothers, we can be so caught up in our daily commitments and duties that our own money slips through the cracks. This can translate into financial debt, loss, overuse of credit and overall disastrous consequences for ourselves and our families.
This is where setting a goal to better understand, own and manage our money can make a world of difference. This means committing to a consistent practice of taking inventory of our money, being aware of and accountable for our expenses, and setting up a reasonable budget that fits our personality and lifestyle. Personal finance software such as Quicken, Mint,YNAB, or TurboTax for taxes, can help in the process.
Plan to create generational wealth
Last but not least, the third financial goal I’d like to propose may sound like a lofty one, but is one most of us should think about when it comes to our finances. As working women and moms raising the next generation, impacting our communities and creating a legacy, our finances can serve as a powerful tool to create change and make a lasting difference. This is why it is so important to have a long-term financial view that includes planning to create generational wealth.
Generational wealth is wealth that can be passed on to future generations. Contrary to popular opinion, it is not something only reserved to the rich families and communities of this world. It is actually possible to build, starting with each and everyone of us. It can be done through investing in children’s education, in the stock market as well as in real estate. It also can be achieved by creating a business, and taking advantage of the benefits of life insurance. However, all this requires setting solid financial goals and having a clear plan.
Overall, setting financial goals is an important part of starting a new phase or season of life such as the New Year. Among these, developing a strong money mindset, understanding and owning your money and planning to create generational wealth are three of the most important goals we can set as working women and moms.
What financial goals are you setting this year?
With Gratitude,
The Corporate Sis.
PS: Please note some of the links are affiliate links.
After becoming a mother, I started getting in the habit of setting goals for my growing family. This became all the more important as our family kept growing, and the demands of work and life in general started taking over. Achieving some semblance of balance became harder as there was an increasing amount of tasks to attend to. As a working mom, juggling the home front, work, relationships, and everything in between would at times seem like an insurmountable challenge. Without some clear goals and objectives in mind, it was next to impossible to keep up. Hence the importance of setting family goals, especially as we start a new year…
I remember reading some business and strategy books (this is one of my favorites, as well as this one, and this one too), and thinking to myself that running a family and a household ought to incorporate similar principles. There has to be a foundation and systems in place, albeit unique and less business-like, to keep it functioning as smoothly as possible. Without these, the family unit is bound to crumble under the pressure of conflicting schedules, differing personalities, career demands and multiple other sources of pressure.
Setting family goals is not much different than setting any other types of goals, from personal to work and even financial goals. However, it does involve a greater level of complexity due to the sheer number of individuals, personalities and opinions involved. For family goals to truly be effective, they have to involve everyone and take into account each and every unit of the family. This can make for a monumental task at hand, and possibly a breeding ground of disagreements.
So how do we get to set effective family goals that involve everyone and can be achieved individually and as a family unit? Here are three tips that may help:
Start with a process of self-introspection
Yes, family goals involve the entire family. However, since the family is made up of separate individuals, it also requires each person to go through a process of self-analysis and introspection to determine what their vision of the family is.
When we started setting family goals in my own family, my husband and I quickly realized that coming from different cultural and personal backgrounds had us define the concept of family in very different ways. It was important for us to first think about what our own view of family was, in order to bring it to the table and discuss. It was also important to involve the children in this process, by inviting them to journal about their own family goals (this is an excellent journal for kids by the way).
Meet and discuss
Family goals are for the entire family, and do require the entire family’s contribution, including the children, as long as they are old enough to participate. Coming together with everyone’s view of what the family should be like, how it should operate, what the rules should be, and so many other factors, is a game-changer. This is where ground rules can be set, an effective foundation can be built, and where respect and consideration for all can be demonstrated.
This is also where fundamental disagreements can arise, which is also beneficial to identify where there is a need to set a different foundation. Some of the topics discussed can range from respect, health, responsibilities, religion, finances, communication, to time management, education and purpose.
Decide on the best goals for YOUR family
Setting family goals is not about reaching an ideal and elusive set of grand objectives for the family. Rather, it’s really about coming together and sharing what works best for YOUR family. No two families are alike. As much as we would like to replicate the organizational skills of this family, or the glamour of that family, the reality is, each family is beautifully unique. This is why it’s so important to focus on the goals that are appropriate, realistic and achievable for your family. It may mean starting with just waking up on time for school, or setting up a basic family calendar (check out this well-reviewed family calendar, as well as this More Time Moms Family Organizer too), or having a set budget,( you can use this Simplified Monthly Budget Planner, or this Monthly Finance Organizer) as opposed to launching into extra volunteering activities or investing in the stock market. Whatever it is, it has to be aligned with the type of family YOU have, its vision as well as its heart.
All in all, setting family goals is a crucial part of the goal-setting process as the new year begins. It involves partaking in a process of self-introspection, coming together to discuss, and finally deciding on the best goals for one’s family.
Do you set family goals at the start of the New Year?
With gratitude,
The Corporate Sis.
PS: Please note this post contains affiliate links.
If you’re like me, you know how difficult it can be to be consistent, whether at work or in life. For many, if not most of us, it can be so easy to set new goals and objectives in our minds, whether it’s being more productive at work or setting a regular gym routine.
As a working woman and mom juggling many balls in the air, I know I’ve certainly struggled with being and staying consistent with my goals and habits. As women set goals differently than men, favoring more private, less competitive goals encompassing both their personal and professional lives, one can argue that women tend to also approach being consistent in a different manner than their male counterparts. What if, as often busy and overburdened working women and moms, we could devise our own approach to being more consistent in our work and lives in general? This is certainly a question I’ve asked myself year after year, as I kept experiencing the same challenges with establishing long-term consistency in my work and life…
What I have discovered in my own journey with consistency, is that as working women and moms, we’re already dealing with inconsistency on a day-to-day basis. After all, the very nature of our lives as women and mothers can be rather unpredictable. From facing the unpredictable threat of gender stereotypes, to withstanding the various seasons of our lives from marriage to motherhood to menopause just to cite a few, as women we deal with constantly having to adapt, stretch, reach, and overcome the numerous obstacles on our way. It then becomes extremely challenging to establish constant consistency in our work and lives. How do we consistently hit the gym at the same time every day when the needs of our kids may change from day to day, especially given that moms usually carry the brunt of caregiving at home? How can we consistently maintain the same rhythm at work with minimal, sometimes even non-existent, childcare and household support at home and in society?
Despite the numerous books and articles written on the topic of consistency, especially as related to goal-setting, not enough is being said about what it would mean for women. After all, most of the advice out there is geared at men, who most often benefit from societal support as well as that of the women who make up the backbone of families and communities. What this means for us as women and mothers, is that we must learn to redefine what consistency means to us, and how to best apply it in the context of our lives and work.
From mine and that of many other women and mothers, here are some tips that may begin this process:
Look within first:
Research has shown women tend to favor more private, as opposed to public, goals and intentions. The same can be said of choosing to become more consistent in our goals and habits. Being self-aware in the process of deciding to be more consistent is the first step. This entails having a clear vision of who we are, what lights us up, what truly matters to us first. Without this vision, without this sense of who we are in whatever season of our lives we’re in, it can be daunting to set the priorities that would require us to be more consistent in the first place.
Who are you in this season of your life? What matters to you? What no longer does?
Start with what fulfills you
Studies have shown women are more attracted to life goals that promote self-fulfillment, than plain work goals. This is why we often tend to tie our professional goals with our life goals. Besides, given the many facets of our lives and the many hats we wear, compartmentalizing the various areas of our lives is next to impossible. The reality is, at any point in time, we are all of our identities at once, the woman, the mother, the sister, the friend, etc, even to the point of commingling our different identities.
As self-fulfillment is then so much more important to us as women, starting with what fills us up makes sense. Whenever I try to be more consistent in one area or another in my life, beginning with what matters to me is crucial. It’s this fulfillment that can keep me going when the going gets rough and time seems to dwindle to nothing.
What fulfills you? What are the habits and goals that would bring you the most joy? Start with those to build consistency.
Now create your own version of consistency
As you become clearer about the vision for your life, and you can more clearly identify those areas of your life that truly bring fulfillment to you, then you can start building your own version of consistency. This version will look different from that of another woman, who may be in a different phase or season of life, and who may have a different vision than yours. This version may certainly not be perfect, or tied to a rigid schedule. Yet, it may just be the version that works best for you.
For me, it’s been a matter of honoring my capacity, and building the consistent habits that fit in my own life. It’s been about integrating the various areas of my schedule, work and life, to make it all work as best as possible. That means going to the gym after dropping off the kids to school because I’m already out and I can carve some extra time in the gap. It also means waking earlier to meditate, read and write, so I can be available when the rest of the family is up. It means focusing on my teaching when it’s time to do so and not try to fit in anything else.
Some of the tools I’ve been using in the process include life planners, to help me plan my goals according to my particular schedule.
Last but not least, it means giving myself grace when my best efforts don’t work, when I can’t make it to the gym or be fully present, knowing that tomorrow is another day and I’ll give it another short…
What does consistency look like for you? How can you make it fit and work in your own life and career?
With Gratitude,
The Corporate Sis.
Disclaimer: Please note some of the links in this article are affiliate links.
How many times as a working mom have you felt a wave of resentment come up at the thought of everything you have to do day in and day out?
And how many times has this resentment made you feel guilty as a result?
Further, let me ask you, how many times have you even dared talking about this feeling of resentment to anyone for fear of being negatively judged?
If you’re nodding at any of these questions, you’re certainly not alone.
Resentment is one of the best well-kept secrets about and among working moms. As working mothers are hailed, praised, and kept, by society as “sheroes”, they’re also not allowed to show weakness, and certainly not resentment. Instead, they are expected to hold up the sacred veil of motherhood, bravely (and flawlessly) handling all the responsibilities assigned to them without a complaint, murmur or negative feeling. Being resentful as a working mom is perceived as a threat to this picture-perfect idealization of womanhood, and as such, is considered a big no-no for many, if not most, working women.
Yet, the reality is, as we pick up dirty socks off the floor, wash dishes, run from work to kids’ activities, forgetting to fill this or that form, it’s virtually impossible for many, if not most working moms, to experience if only a touch of resentment at some point or another. This is especially true when there is a lack of gender equity in the home and at work, and women have to face a staggering lack of resources and support, from childcare to work flexibility.
So what do you do when resentment rears its ugly head in the midst of your unending to-do list and tired self? How do you address the subtle anger rising up in you as you consider one obstacle after another standing before you? Here are some tips that may help:
Stop and reflect!
Resentment is a clear indicator that there is a lack of balance somewhere. I’ve found over the years that our bodies and minds will give us distress signals. However, too often, we fail to listen. This is where pausing to listen to ourselves is important.
Why am I feeling so resentful? What is creating this feeling in me?
Identifying the root cause of resentment can go a long way towards addressing what the real issue is. Oftentimes, we feel resentful because of false beliefs, or because we’ve taken on too much, or we feel unappreciated in one or many areas of our lives and work.
What is making you feel resentful as a working mom?
Resentment is not a dirty secret to lug around and hide from everyone around us. Neither does it make us bad mothers. It simply makes us human, and allows us to heal what is festering inside us. This is where communication, effective communication that is, comes in handy.
Communicating how you feel, in a non-blaming way, whether it is to your partner, family or friends, can help them better understand where you’re coming from. It can also help in solving the imbalance you may be experiencing, whether it’s related to the lack of equity at home, or the stress in your career and/or relationships.
Who can you trust to talk it out and communicate how you’re feeling?
Readjust
Last but not least, while reflection and communication are important, action is indispensable to readjust the lack of balance causing the resentment you’re feeling. It may be readjusting the distribution of responsibilities and chores in the household, or looking to make positive changes in your career, or asking for more support in your relationships. It’s often also a matter of re-centering yourself and taking better care of yourself through self-care. Whatever the need may be, taking action on it can help reduce the feelings of resentment you’re experiencing.
How can you readjust your schedule, work and life to feel less resentful?
In conclusion, feeling resentful as a working mom is not a sign to blame yourself or others. It’s a powerful signal to re-establish more balance, joy and health in your work and life. Pausing to reflect, talking it out and readjusting as needed are three effective steps that can help tremendously in the process.
How are you dealing with feeling resentful as a working mom?
